I must do some journaling. I just had a phone conversation with W. She was calling because my paychecks aren't coming fast enough to cover our expenses. I "lectured' her, her words, on how our spending rate isn't covered by my paycheck. She then said something about her wanting to work and that she would one day but that it would probably take two years to start. That part was the part I wanted to write down. I wish it was a email exchange so I could look at the words. Two years for what? She has never mentioned her plans before and "just wanted to, you know, throw that out. You know me, I want to work." Now that seems like she expected me to read her mind. Then I thanked her for telling me about it and that I would be supportive of anything that she did. Then I sarcastically reminded her that I had always been somewhat supportive of her in the past, bad move. She laughed and reminded me that one of her complaints was that I was only somewhat supportive of her during our M. Then I did something I never do. I got mad. I was extremely supportive of her every move. She wanted to be a rock star, we got her a band. When she couldn't get a record deal we became her record company. When she did work I built new things for her to return to. It seems to be so easy for her to put together a history that tells her what she wants to remember. I can remember an new business idea that she had that I thought sounded hard to pull off. She can use that time as an example of how I was only somewhat supportive.
I have decided to pursue the D! I have been unwilling to discuss the D with her because I was doing my DBing by not helping the D and not bringing up R talks. On this call I did a 180 by telling her that if she files I will begin to restructure our finances to reflect our new situation. She said that nothing will really change because we are keeping the houses and nesting. I didn't go into my plans. They are only ideas anyway. Simple ones, like getting my own bank account.
We have had two mediation sessions and it has taken 5 months. She has not filed. I'm not tired of waiting for the D at all, but her spending is driving us into debt.
As for the aforementioned affair, I still have no evidence. I find it a bit sad that she is alone and that she would cause so much pain without someone to run to.
She just called back. She said she was sorry for the earlier conversation. I wasn't. So I got right back into it. HA. Then I turned it into laughter with my infinite charm. It ended with the standard, I'm glad we talked, we have to in order to move forward blah, blah. When we hung up I said, OK, bud. She said don't call me that. I said OK. Lots more laughter. HA. I hope she is smiling like I am. This D thing really is bringing us together. I do think that after 18 or so months I am finally starting to be able to stand up to her a whole lot better. I do think that the only thing that is making that possible is that I'm starting to not like her as much. It is all such a shame. Wasting perfectly good love.
Good luck to you all. I know you need it.
L
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
