Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

Ladies,

My wife is a borderline WAW and I really need some feedback from those who have been in my wife's shoes. I just finished reading "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley and have realized I have really neglected many of my wife's basic needs, especially conversation, affection and family commitment. Not that I haven't contributed in these areas, but not nearly enough as I should have. As I have noted in previous posts, her current position is "I'm done"(emotionally exhausted), she dreads thinking about a future with me (she cries when thinking about opening her heart up to me again) and will not give up OM in a deep EA. She is very detached from me right now in all aspects and has expressed a strong interest in divorcing, perhaps "within the next year" as we can not afford to physically separate right now due to financial reasons.

She has spoken of ideally getting remarried to OM in the near future, however OM lives in another state and I will not agree to have her relocate with my kids, nor will he relocate to our state (this is my understanding)if we divorce. Therefore my wife has told both OM and me that she will find someone else after leaving me if OM won't wait/ relocate/ or he becomes unavailable in order to have her needs met.

We currently do not have health insurance, so I am paying OOP for weekly counseling (only I go now) and can't afford anti-depressants. So, I am just now starting to get a handle on all of my emotions after much previous arguing/debating(logical thinking)along with pleading and pursuing.

I am currently giving her "space" and limiting my contact with her but don't think LRT is going to be effective with her given our particular sitch. I am also doing some 180 behaviors, working out at the gym and spending more time with the kids. I'd like to implement some of Harley's techniques to refill my "love bank" account with her- (some marriage counselors suggest competing head on with the OM)- however they seem mostly dependent on a willing spouse, which she is mostly not.

I know that I am in a particularly bad situation with my wife. I guess what I am looking for from you both in particular is ideas on developing the best strategy to possibly win back my wife- get her to stop all contact with the OM and reconsider our marriage relationship (don't know in which order that might happen). I realize that many of the changes I need to make and the things I need to do must be implemented as soon as possible and/or all at once if possible. Given my circumstances, what should be my priorities in terms of changes/things to work on?

(Yes, I know that generally speaking I need to focus right now on me and the kids. I am also frustrated in recognizing my own need to detach from her in order to think clearly myself, control my emotions and preserve some feelings for her during this crisis.)

Any advice/feedback would be greatly appreciated!