I'm new here, but I am looking forward to accessing some of the wisdom that I have been reading in the forums. I am still in shock so much of my life makes no sense right now. My H and I have been married for almost 6 years. We do not have kids (thank God). We are both 30. My H had an affair beginning in Mar 07 and I discovered it Oct of the same year. We went to a C but she was a little weird. He began corresponding with the OW again in 08, but stopped within a few months. In April I found an email that he sent that basically said he missed her. When I confronted him, he left for 2 weeks. I didn't handle it well. I called non-stop and was pretty much a mess when we talked. He came back because he had no where else to go. I called a DB coach and I began DBing. I stopped initiating all R talk and began focusing on more positive parts of our marriage. I felt great. We were relaxed and comfortable again. we began having fun together again. Then when I got home on Friday, all of his stuff was gone. I'm in shock. I thought things were going well, but he said he didn't know if he could ever feel the kind of love he once did for me. I have called and cried and begged for him to come home. I know that that is the worst way to handle it, but I've been out of my mind. Is there anything left to save at this point? And how do I know? He has called to tell me that he is miserable and even vomiting! He wants to meet me for lunch tomorrow. Wondering what to do?
Last edited by needinghope; 06/08/0905:36 AM.
Needinghope
Me: 30 H:29 M: ~6 years No kids H's EA: 3/07-10/07 H talking to OW 3/08-10/08 (What is it with him and March?) Found 1 email to OW: 4/09 H moved out: 6-5-09
I posted this on the other thread where you said you were having trouble coming up with a plan, I wanted to RP it here incase you didn't go back to check...
The first day after H told me he wanted to separate (a week ago today), I had trouble really coming up with a plan. I figured we were going to be in limbo until we (he) decided one way or the other. I was scared. I talked to him about everything that was on MY mind all day, and he listened... But I vented to some friends over email and he found it the next day and got mad at me
Anyways, starting that afternoon I put my own plan into action. Everything I was doing in regards to how I reacted to and treated H, I stopped. -No more checking his phone records or bank account -No more calling him throughout the day, unless he called me first -No more forcing physical affection -No more forcing conversation about our relationship -No hysterics - I cried a little on Monday, but I haven't cried since then.
I just started putting that energy back into me. -Buying myself cute clothes to wear when I go out with my friends. Even cute underwear even though nobody's going to see it -Getting my hair cut and colored -Doing my nails -Making plans with my friends -Filling up my calendar, keeping busy in general -Having fun with my DD instead of focusing so much on getting everything clean and keeping up around the house.
It's all been one day at a time, and some other questions I ask myself before acting/reacting are:
What do I have to gain by doing XXX? What do I have to lose by doing XXX?
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
How did you stop all of the checking? Also, I will be the first divorce in my family in several generations. I have no frame of reference for this. How did you tell your family? Thank you so much for replying.
Needinghope
Me: 30 H:29 M: ~6 years No kids H's EA: 3/07-10/07 H talking to OW 3/08-10/08 (What is it with him and March?) Found 1 email to OW: 4/09 H moved out: 6-5-09
I posted this on the other thread where you said you were having trouble coming up with a plan, I wanted to RP it here incase you didn't go back to check...
The first day after H told me he wanted to separate (a week ago today), I had trouble really coming up with a plan. I figured we were going to be in limbo until we (he) decided one way or the other. I was scared. I talked to him about everything that was on MY mind all day, and he listened... But I vented to some friends over email and he found it the next day and got mad at me
Anyways, starting that afternoon I put my own plan into action. Everything I was doing in regards to how I reacted to and treated H, I stopped. -No more checking his phone records or bank account -No more calling him throughout the day, unless he called me first -No more forcing physical affection -No more forcing conversation about our relationship -No hysterics - I cried a little on Monday, but I haven't cried since then.
I just started putting that energy back into me. -Buying myself cute clothes to wear when I go out with my friends. Even cute underwear even though nobody's going to see it -Getting my hair cut and colored -Doing my nails -Making plans with my friends -Filling up my calendar, keeping busy in general -Having fun with my DD instead of focusing so much on getting everything clean and keeping up around the house.
It's all been one day at a time, and some other questions I ask myself before acting/reacting are:
What do I have to gain by doing XXX? What do I have to lose by doing XXX?
How did you stop all of the checking? Also, I will be the first divorce in my family in several generations. I have no frame of reference for this. How did you tell your family? Thank you so much for replying.
I just had to stop. Say to myself - no more!
I am almost seven months pregnant, and when I check up on him it only stresses me out, makes him mad at me, we fight, I have contractions. I need to take care of my baby and myself.
Also, it goes back to the question I ask myself before I do anything having to do with H - what do I have to gain by doing this? If nothing, I simply don't. I posted on my thread a couple of hours ago about how I was faced with this choice today.
I come from a no-divorce family too. Right now I'm wishing I hadn't told my mom - she will only freak out about it and hold it against H if everything works out in the end. I just went over there and told her, and some of my sisters, and we chatted about it for a while, and it felt good to vent but it doesn't do any good over all. The only thing I can change is me.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I didn't realize that I had become perfectly content in my own misery. I wasn't happy. I'm sure I wished I was dead more than my H wished he was.
I decided about three weeks ago simply to behave better, but a week ago I just decided to be HAPPY! I don't want to waste any more time sinking into a hole - it just makes it harder to climb out.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Mach1's one day at a time advice is excellent as well...
The furthest I'm looking ahead is a week. What do I have planned to keep me busy for a week? What do I have to look forward to (that is out of the norm for me)? What can I do to improve me?
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
One day at a time, one minute at a time if needed one second at a time if needed.
Are you meeting him today???
You need to ACT AS IF you are starting a new relationship. Listen more than you talk. (remember his words so you can make your changes) Validate his feelings IE "I understand you feel that way", "I can see why you feel that way"
Do not argue, just listen to his POV. You do not have to agree with it, just understand it and show EMPATHY and COMPASSION.
Avoid Relationship talk like the plague, If he initiates just listen, "I need time to process that" is a good phrase to state if he asks your POV.
Be upbeat, happy, confident, looking acting, smelling good.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We met over lunch. He hasn't looked at me the way he did in a long time. He hugged me and pulled away after several seconds saying, "we can't do this." As if I was expecting any of that. We talked about a plan. I told him that i was not interested in him moving back in as of now because I needed to get comfortable with the idea of living alone. I did say that I needed to know what he was thinking about a course of action. He said that he was interested in an intensive counseling session recommended to us by our pastor. So he's not acting like his decision is final.
Needinghope
Me: 30 H:29 M: ~6 years No kids H's EA: 3/07-10/07 H talking to OW 3/08-10/08 (What is it with him and March?) Found 1 email to OW: 4/09 H moved out: 6-5-09
