The old saying goes, "Where there is smoke, there is fire." My personal experience of this marriage crisis hell, and the many, many stories you read on this site suggests that there is profound truth in that saying.
Every courtship begins with profusive contact. And don't even get me started on the whole notion of sending erotic stories where you and your new "friend" are the main characters.
I agree completely in this sitch, but I will say that I am holding out hope that there is not a PA that she is hiding from me.
She made some moves that may change things forever between us, and I may never get the truth about what has already transpired.
One thing I will say, and this is not from a naive viewpoint, I am not burying my head in the sand, sticking up for her or being chauvinistic. I think my wife is a beautiful woman, and up until this recent turn of events have always said she had the soul of a saint.
My wife is extremely self conscious about her body and physical appearance, and over the past year has actually fallen deeper into a rut of not doing anything about it. It weighs on her...I listen and I watch her and I know how unhappy she is with herself right now.
In my head, I would think if there was or is something physical going on..or planned in the future with someone who is not near by, I would see some sort of change in her appearance, attitude about herself...weight change..something that would tell me she is trying to be better, or look better for someone else....prepping..primping...something...and I don't.
Ahhh..the beauty of the computer and internet.
Thanks Bill....the anger comes and goes. I told someone today half of me wants to hold her, hug and kiss her and tell her how much I love her...the other half could care less whether or not she ever comes walking back through the door after the vacation.
Looks like I have about 24 hrs. She sent me a text this morning to say they were getting on the road.
I...foolishly, I think..called her to say hi..be safe, and had to ask her...
"just want to make sure you are coming home, staying home and we will be able to sit down soon and get all of our cards on the table...when you left we were still pretty close and I want to maintain that as long as we can through this new twist".
She said yes..of course and has texted me a couple of times during the day to keep me posted on their progress.
Our schedules will prevent us from hooking up soon after they get back, and I think I actually want to watch her and feel things out a bit before I go diving into this. I guess my hope is she will bring it up, get it out and be truthful...be the woman I know. Not a lot of hope for that, but hey, who knows.
Who knows what she has been thinking since this came out...who knows what text boy is thinking now that hubby knows.
AND...I have got to get past the snooping until this recent turn comes to a head, although this last one finds me almost indifferent to the whole mess...after the initial thump of my heart and empty feeling in my gut...I chuckled just a little to myself.
On one hand I wish I was not able to check her email..her fault..when I set everything back up after a computer problem I made the password, gave it to her and told her next time you are on let me know and I will show you how to put your own in. That was months ago.
On the other hand, I figure WTF?...at this point any info I can gather may help me make my decision in the long run.
If she is not going to open and truthful with me, then why keep putting myself through this.
Text boy sent her a message this afternoon...short and sweet with an "I love you" at the end. Apparently he is having trouble with his phone.
Mr. erotic story guy is wondering where she has been the past couple of weeks....poor guy. She didn't tell him she was going on vacation.
Depending on the exact time they arrive tomorrow, I am going to try to be gone for work before they get here.
I'm thinking that I really need to just let this go for a while and see how she is. Like I said earlier...have to make it all me now...no more laying down, telling her I will leave when the time comes.
If we talk tomorrow or next week, what difference will it make? I just need to stay focused, not say anything stupid and make it worse and wait for an good time to get it all out.
This was never something I thought I would have to deal with after working at this for so long, but now that it's happening, it's time to back up, step out of it and get my act together...physically, emotionally and financially...prepare for the worst, because I didn't do that this past year.
I am posting this just to keep anyone that was following along up to date. My head is spinning a little bit...no.. a lot and not sure where the next 24 hrs will bring me.
Short and to the point...
They got in around 5 this morning and I barely woke before wife crawled into bed and snuggles up to me because she was cold and tired from driving all night.
One thing led to another....and instead of sticking to my guns and keeping it cool...being distant but there...I melted when she came close. I had originally thought that I would be gone for work before they got back.
We ML...we stayed next to each other and grabbed a couple of hours sleep. I went to get coffee....she crawled out of bed and went to the car to bring me the "gifts" she brought back for me...silly things, but she went out to the car just for that.
Pleasant, calm chatter and I was off to work.
Feeling weird...indifferent...calm..she ML to me...we were close. Why did she allow that after me finding out about text friend?
My heart was thinking at least maybe it is not physical...who knows what she is thinking...has the fact that I know made a difference. I was believing that it was still an EA, but confused...I tried so hard not to let her be physical with me, but when she got in bed next to me, I couldn't help myself. I still believe she would not physically cheat on me...and continue to be intimate with me.
Do I still want her if this was only an EA...was this a dealer breaker...all day I was still spinning and had decided, still, to just let things ride..wait for the right time and get it out in the open....there was no urgency.
But, I needed to know more...had he sent her any messages...just knowing whether they texted was not good enough so I snooped again.
Copied and pasted, exactly as I found it.....
"hello beautiful im leavn on tues or weds three stops bfore XXXX caant wait to touch you n kiss All over You i love you honestly you sexy"
Hope he is more articulate in person.
I am still at work, and as I write this she is on fb..chatting with me as if nothing has happened...as if we are going to pick up right where we left off 2 weeks ago.
I have about 2 hours to decide what I do when I get home, and by the note...until the weekend?...before they have their first physical meeting...
Is it the first?...is this a deal breaker now?
Do I confront her with what I know and admit to the snooping. Will the exposure change her plans?
I feel like, if there has been nothing physical between them, and that is the plan, I can't let it happen.
If there already has been, I need to know now. I know I need to be calm and relax, but I can't live with this all week and just wait to see how it plays out. I can't stand by and watch as my wife goes out next weekend.. not knowing where or with who.
Feeling weird...indifferent...calm..she ML to me...we were close. Why did she allow that after me finding out about text friend?
Maybe because she knew that would calm you down? Make her homecoming easier?
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Is it the first?...is this a deal breaker now?
Why does it matter if this is the first or not? Stay in the moment, deal with what you know right now. What happened before now doesn't matter, to be honest, IMHO.
Where are your boundaries? Is EA a dealbreaker? PA a dealbreaker? This is only for you to decide. If the boundaries keep moving, no one can abide by them.
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Do I confront her with what I know and admit to the snooping. Will the exposure change her plans?
If you choose to confront her, be prepared that things may not go as you wish. I have a feeling you're hoping to stop this train that's coming your way, but will it? Won't know until you get into the conversation, go in with no expectations of outcome. No one can predict this.
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I feel like, if there has been nothing physical between them, and that is the plan, I can't let it happen.
You can control this? If she wants it to happen, it will. Maybe not this weekend, but eventually it will. Again, IMHO.
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If there already has been, I need to know now.
Why? What's it going to change? Will it turn into a dealbreaker?
Take care of YOU. Get centered. I think you need to sleep on this. Talk to someone you trust.
Deb...no indications about a trip. Too complicated to get into, but if it happens, it will be here and local..my assumption any way. He will be coming to visit family that she is close with.
That is how, to the best of my knowledge, this accidental online meeting took place to start. Mistaken identity on alt u.
WT...too many questions and thoughts to process before i leave here in a few. My gut tells me to get it all out tonight...unemotionally and firmly, but I don't know if it's possible.
Admitting to snooping seems the only way to open up the the talk, or just asking her to be honest..tell her it's time..that I KNOW something.
Can I stop it...I don't know. How will she feel if she knows what I know? Will she be able to go through with it knowing what I know and eventually everyone else will..our families..our daughter?
It's still too new to process....I was still unsure if the texting was an issue.. a deal breaker...now, I have no idea where I stand.
It's as though I can handle her moving on...closing this out finally..I knew she wanted that.
But to have it end this way..to know she was so deceitful...to think she has lied so often and willingly.
and then to sit her and chat..laugh talk and joke...and to be intimate this morning.
Spinning is not the word.
Isn't like Bill said...letting this go any longer, just putting off the inevitable? Does it matter how I know at this point? Isn't it time for her to come clean and stop lying?
Others may chime in differently. I could not let this kind of information go, particularly if I was given reason to believe that a meeting was planned.
Yeah, the snooping is a violation, and she may well rip you hard for that.
On the other hand, I have always felt that the stronger the response, the more likely that something serious was going on. And if that's the case...well, I guess that's up to you.
Keep in mind that this is coming from the man who visited his ex-wife's first lover's apartment every night for a week hoping to catch him there and confront him.
Let's just say I have a strong sense of right and wrong.
Common decency would say that your wife should let you know that this sort of thing is going on, even if it's nothing more than this moron's wishful thinking.
She owes that much to you.
Get it all out on the table. Compose yourself first, and prepare for the worst.
Blessings,
Bill
Last edited by Bworl; 06/09/0912:29 AM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
As you know, I've always felt your wife was wayward, even when you first started posting. I felt like I was starting to beat a dead horse, and it was discouraging you, so I stopped posting my gut feelings to you, but there was just something about her behavior.
Trust me, as a guy who has been where you are right now, I really hoped I was wrong.
Like you, my head was reeling when I got my confirmation, and like you, I had never decided ahead of time what my boundaries were going to be (EA only? PA's a dealbreaker, but EA isn't? Ongoing EA, with continued deceit a dealbreaker? What??). I did later, and was ready when she came back repentant and wanted to reconcile, but not back then, and I frankly was in no emotional condition to make any potentially life-changing decisions.
I would strongly encourage you to take 24-48 hours to decide what YOUR "dealbreakers" are. No one can tell you what they should be but YOURSELF. I do think, WHATEVER you decide, that you take into account the fact that -- for a woman -- an ongoing EA is usually more significant TO THEM than a brief physical fling. To us guys, we're just the opposite, and we tend to say "if it's 'only' an EA" . . .
I think that's a mistake.
I also want to suggest that you consider anything that your wife tells you, when you confront her, to be UNTRUE. Cheaters lie -- PERIOD. I'm not saying not to confront her (I believe you should), but just that you shouldn't BASE YOUR DECISION-MAKING ON WHAT SHE TELLS YOU WHEN YOU DO. Base your decisions on your own intel.
I also would suggest that you DON'T tell her HOW you know -- only that you do. NEVER REVEAL THE SOURCE(S) OF YOUR INTEL. Just tell her "I know all about you and _______ , and it needs to stop if you want to remain married to me. I am not willing to live in an open marriage" (or whatever it is you want to say).
Again, I'm sorry you're having to face this. At least you know what's going on, and in many ways it DOES explain her distance from you, if you think about it. I know that's not much consolation right now though.
Tim, I'm with Bill on this. I snooped and found out my exH was calling not just one woman, but 8. I not only confronted him, but I called each of them. It was interesting the different stories that I heard.
You are married. Maybe I am wrong, but you don't keep secrets from your spouse. You are right to expect her to be honest with you....where's the trust otherwise? Just my opinion.
