Thanks for your post. If you read the follow up, things are coming along and not so hard. I do wonder about the long term, I have looked at my choices and right now this is it. So, here I am to take a swing, relax and enjoy myself.
H seems to be aware of how he hurt me and it bothers him. Most of the time it is not in front of me, but there are times when I see it on his face and he just tells me. Good part is that he really is trying to get most of his support from AA buddies and just wants to enjoy our time. He made a point of telling me that he doesn't want to put me in that position because he wants to ease my burden after all he did.
It is a tough decision for me - I can read between your lines - I know I have choices - earlier this year I became strong enough to see a life without him - it was just at that point when he had a major breakthrough - I kind of wonder about the timing so I am still here. And just as you consider my sitch carefully, so do I. I still get frustrated, and I need to chill more.
This is just a difficult time all the way around - earlier this year both exMIL and exFIL died in Jan, my SIL is dying as we speak, my bro won't talk about it or call me, my kids are moving out and forward and current MIL has reached a time when she doesn't remember who we are anymore. So, there's a lot of loss around me, always has been so I am not so keen on making a lot of changes - personally I am afraid that I would withdraw from living my life out fully if left alone right now. I see changes in me that I am wary of due mostly I assume to getting older.
I am sorry this is long, just feel like talking to someone. There are some things I used to dream about doing at this age, but I never expected to feel as tired and lacking in energy to do them as I do. And yet, through my experience I have developed a greater compassion and tolerance/acceptance of all that life brings us and less of a need to know the answers. So, it's not perfect, but I am ok. TAke another swing around the room.
