another newcomer - thread #2

[Mach1]

I have to disagree M1 - I don't see a problem with self-assessing where I am at. I know that I can't put a clock on the WAW and her timeline. But I can monitor my progress. That is why I used the analogy of climbing Everest. It is a huge and dangerous mountain. Base Camp is the start, and Camp I is on the way. There is much left to do but I think anyone doing this work also needs to reflect on their progress and feel good about how far they have come.

I am proud of here I am versus 2 months ago. I have no idea what the outcome will be. I have no idea how long things will take. I am sure I will have setbacks. But I am better than I was a month ago, and I think my R is better with my WAW than it was a month ago. I still sent her a draft of our separation agreement today, which is tough. But just another step that needed to be done.

So yes, do the work for you but don't be afraid to assess progress.

Yes, assess YOUR progress.....not the relationship.

And I believe that you stated reconcilliation there....

If you ARE speaking of just yourself, then that is fine and neccessary in this...

This IS tough man. And I'm not bashing you....

So you are getting comfortable with you again ?

[JKL2009]

Yeah man, that is the cool thing... I am getting comfortable with me again. That is what this is all about, right? The possible byproduct is others digging the changes, but the focus is you.

[Mach1]

Yeah man, that is the cool thing... I am getting comfortable with me again. That is what this is all about, right? The possible byproduct is others digging the changes, but the focus is you.

It is cool...very cool.

And this is what this is all about....I think...

Problem is, that in this, we are all here because our relationships have failed......And while I am no expert on everyone else's situation, I would say that the majority of us are here due to complacency....

All I am saying is that even though we think we have "fixed " us....

We ALL can strive to do better, cause none of us are perfect.

So when I say Do Better....

I really mean it for all of us,



including myself....

[JKL2009]

Indeed, it is a journey and not a destination.

[givingitmyall]

I am with you all the way. Won't ever be complacent again.

[JKL2009]

Last night was a challenge. My WAW brought up the separation agreement that we have been discussing. I had emailed a draft in the morning, which contained changes we had agreed to a couple of weeks ago plus some additonal notes based on my lawyers advice. This is all stuff WAW and I had talked about, so no surprises.

She said she got the doc but couldn't see any changes. She also was upset because I sent it to her "later" than she wanted it "ike I always do", on JKL timetable and not WAW timetable. I said I think that it was just an issue where she didn't have Word showing track changes or something, and I understand the point of timeliness but she knew I was pretty busy last week and I had kept her up-to-date on things. I was sorry she felt that way.

She kept hitting at these points, and I did my best to validate and keep my cool. I got a little defensive because I knew I sent it to her with the changes, so I said let's go look at my sent my and I can show you. I was getting a little upset as she was going into the whole script of "this is how you get" and "I don't like being around when you act like this." It was tough, but I didn't blow my cool.

Things settled down. She talked about how stressed she was with all this, how it sucks she has paid for lawyers, etc. I said I was sorry she felt that way and I understood it is hard for both of us. You get going down this path, you get lawyers involved and legal stuff, and it gets emotional and stressful.

At some point, she was talking about "it doesn't matter, I don't care anymore" etc just usual script and I had a chance to respond with "things going on with me are to make me better, to improve my relationship with my family, and to make my next relationship everything it should be; and I hope that next one is with you." I think that threw her a bit, as she nodded her head a little. After that, the conversation was less combative and we eased away from the sep agreement talk to some lighter topics.

It was a tough night, but I feel I rolled through it OK and after that whole interaction things were "normal" for the most part the rest of the night. This morning, she seemed in a pretty good mood and we had some nice little conversation.

Lesson of the day, don't get drawn into arguments during these times. Do the best you can to validate but not argue or be defensive. Have material in the back of your mind, your own "script" that you can call on when the time is right.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

JKL,

Awesome, AWESOME job of not getting sucked into the pit with her!

Puppy

[JKL2009]

Thanks, I think I did save myself from getting sucked down. Even though she threw some hurtful comments (you are being just like the old jerk you used to) I felt I was not acting that way and I didn't let her pull me in. Not trying to cherry-pick observations, but the interaction later that night and this morning were pretty positive. Who knows, maybe she is putting on a great show just to get through the days but I am in a good mental state because of my actions.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Try to keep the focus on YOURSELF, and not on "why is she doing this?" or "what is she thinking"???

She's going to swing wildly all over the map.

Puppy

[JKL2009]

Got from from work yesterday, and when WAW got home with S found out he had behaved pretty bad at daycare. WAW and I talked about it, probably the best conversation as parents we have ever had. After he went to bed, we talked more about it and our day. It was a great conversation.

Went to sleep, and in the middle of the night I was sort of restless, and interestingly she was too... turning over and whatnot. I finally rolled over and put my arm around her. She settled into a nice sleep. That was the first time that happened in 2 months.

Later in the morning, a little before we get usually get up, we were again lying next to each other and my arm was around her. She rolled away from me and moved my arm away. When she got up, I said sorry if that bothered her, just sort of happened. She said that it made her angry a bit because of all the times in the past few years when I didn't show her any affection or attention, so why now.

Not exactly detaching and not pressuring, but a think a little bit here and there in an organic way is not a terrible thing. But I know I have to be cautious on showing affection like this.