I was completely open & honest about having dinner with his Aunt. He seemed angry about it but seemed to get over it quickly. He initiated s again. I'm just going to go with the flow. I see it has a way for us to connect at least on some level.
I have my own individual counseling session tonight which I'm really looking forward to!
Counseling session went well. Counselor says always better to stay connected to H if there's no abuse etc, and both parties are willing participants. Helped to talk about family issues that creep into your marriage.
H asked me when I got home - so did she tell you to run as fast you can the other way? Interesting comment. H made dinner and I thanked him for it. Watched TV with him for a little while (said it was OK with him) - made a little small talk.
Decided to give him a little space and play on the computer for awhile. A much better day today.
Rollercoaster continues. I'm about worn out with everything. Just when I think I'm practicing DBing well it seems I'm not. He still thinks that I don't get that he needs space because I was surprised that he decided to go to the lake this weekend (father's day weekend). I went to the lake by myself last weekend and it was wonderful! When I got back I thought we were making progress.
His latest thing is that he feels two of my girlfriends are treating him differently (not true) because I've talked to them about things. That I've bad-mouthed him and they only know my side of the story.
Had a confrontation with the friend (my H's best friend's wife - they are going through a separation/divorce)and my H and her spent 31 hrs on the phone over a month's time - no affair she still wants to reconcile with her H see my previous posts). We talked everything out. I was out of line for talking about her situation with other people and I apologized for that. She apologized to me. But I can tell my H fed her information as well.
This all happened Wednesday after we came home Tuesday night after our latest counseling session and he was all pissed off again because as I found out on Wendesday - he said I take the gloves off and let him have it. But yet it's ok for him to talk about the same things over and over again and how I've wronged him!
That set me off and Wednesday when he wouldn't return my phone call (I'd discovered the friend had called him again and talked for an hour). Which led to me driving to his business during my lunch hour - having the phone confrontation with her on the way and then having a discussion with him! By the way she agreed there would be no more contact and there really hasn't been expect for a couple of times. She really was just going to him for advice on how to deal with her H.
I guess I need some real help with space giving. I stay out of his way when we're both at home. But I guess he needs to feel like going to the lake is OK and that I'm Ok with it. Somehow I'm not communicating that to him.
He told me he feels like we're going backwards instead of making progress.
We went out to dinner with his family for father's day. We just met there from work. I took off afterward and went over to a friend's house. Just got home and he's downstairs which frankly is a relief. We'll both go to work tomorrow and then he'll leave for the lake. So I'm hoping by disconnecting entirely tonight and all weekend that when he gets home Sunday night maybe he'll have had a good break and things won't be so tense.
I plan on just going to work and coming home and doing my own thing and staying out of his way again next week.
OK - how do I keep myself from getting so reactive and worked up over things? I'm making things worse instead of better!
I suggest that you and your husband separate yourselves from her and HER husband, for the good of your marriage. At least for a period of time until you can rebuild your trust and are fully reconciled.
That's a hard-core position, I realize. I also think it's the right one.
Puppy
M25,
I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling. Is this the same woman we spoke about before?
This is why I am such a "nazi" on no-contact/transparency plans. Without one in place, your H was destined to just get back together with her.
Yep same one. She has promised not to contact him anymore and won't take calls if he calls her. She swears she just needed someone to talk to and since my H is her H's best friend she wanted his opinion. Of course, my H shared our situation as well. Which of course I'm the bad person for talking to my two best friends about things. There have been just a couple of phone calls between them. Her call the other day was to ask him to have me call her because she knew I was upset with her when I avoided her at our mutual friend's funeral the other day. We had a long talk and I do believe her. She did apologize. Other then having to see them at the funeral the other day I have no contact with either one of them. My H's best friend still calls him occasionally.
I called our counselor today because my anxiety level was off the charts! She recommended the book Boundaries in Marriage which I have on hold at Borders and plan to pick up tomorrow.
At this point I'm not feeling really hopeful. He has such anger and bitterness towards me that I don't know if he'll ever be able to get past it.
We don't have our next counseling session until next Thursday night. The real test will be to see how he behaves when he gets back from the lake Sunday night.
I'm trying to keep myself off the rollercoaster of emotions. I go from total anxiety and panic to by the end of today (and a good workout) feeling empowered and in control. I just wish I could keep my head where it is right now!
I shut down before and checked out of our marriage before when I couldn't handle his moods and felt like a total failure at communicating with him. We've been in some awful patterns with one another! I just can't go back there again.
I'm really trying to work toward happiness for myself. I've taken some positive steps - exercising regularly (I've walked 111 miles since March)& lost 15 lbs., I'm reconnecting with friends from high school on Facebook, I'm working on getting my house organized, and make sure to spend plenty of time with friends.
Deep down I know I'll be just fine if this doesn't work out. It's just hard because between our dating years and married years we've been together 29 yrs. I've been with this man since I was 19 yrs old!
It was from April 13 through May 12. I confronted him about it right after that. There have only been 3 phone calls since then and he has been very forthcoming about them.
Since everything is supposed to be resolved, he's asked that I not check the phone records anymore. Not sure if I'm going to be able to live up to that one that or not!
Thanks I will be careful. My biggest concern right now is all the anger and bitterness he has towards me and his need for space every weekend! Oh yeah - and the fact that we seem to being going backwards instead of forwards!
That's exactly why I'm concerned. Demanding "space" at this stage is weird. And THIS, is simply BACKWARDS:
Quote:
Since everything is supposed to be resolved, he's asked that I not check the phone records anymore. Not sure if I'm going to be able to live up to that one that or not!
It GETS resolved, by him building TRUST with you, and he DOES that by being TRANSPARENT. Maybe if the other woman's marriage weren't ending, I'd feel better about this, but it just doesn't feel right to me.
Is this woman's time accounted for while your husband is at the lake alone?
