I follow K.Sunshine’s story very closely and I think this is where I am at
Its odd this thought did occur to me several times in the last week - 'stuck' and 'withdrawn', very few words, focus only on the kid(s).
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
I'm not getting after you fb2, but if W doesn't want to seek help I can't force her.
I know Lan. Just as you can't force an alcoholic to get off the bottle. What you can do is actually stop dancing to her tunes and get off the merry-go-round until she seeks help given she told you she wants to stay married. Maybe its time for some very tough love at least in the interest of D7.
And I am where you are :reading along everyday but not very enthousiastic about posting. In my case because my weeks are empty of interactions with H. We hardly interact when we are in the same room even. What a sad mess. XXX K
It seems that anivers. party is not taking place any time soon I fear.
I sure wish I knew something to add that I haven't said before. I know....you didn't think I would ever run out...right? Well, I always seem to have something to say....but not necessarily something new and different.
It is so sad to know that I was one of the folks that tried to encourage you to hang with this R and try hard to change and work toward a better M..........and that is just what you did.......but you are still not seeing the results you deserve! It makes me want to pinch her head off. She reminds me of a woman I knew several years ago who kept after her H to do all these different things to make her happy. It was a diamond ring, and that wore off.....so then it was a house, and that wore off......so in short, nothing really made her happy b/c she did not like who "she" was and nobody can run away from themselves. Her H was as good of a person you could find and would have gotten her the moon if it had been within his power. The last I heard, they were living behind a fast food place and she had the kid running back and forth buying fast food all day long. She was so huge that she would not go anywhere. So what does that tell you? Right!
I know I have not heard your W's side of things, but from where I sit, you have done all that has been within your power to help bring happiness into the MR. However, if she continually refuses to assist in some of those "works", then what does she expect? What was it Puppy use to call it? The Princess thing? That is the picture I get about her. Does she think she is a Princess and Lan is her servant? Sorry, guess I'm not helping matters.
I see it as a personal issue within herself, Lan, and I don't think there is anything else you can do that you have not already tried. As you have said, she has to want to get help. What would happen if you "shut down"? What if she thought that you did not want to work in the M any longer? What if she wondered if she would actually have to be the one to get things ticking again? If you refused to treat her like the Princess she thinks she is and do a giant 180 and just shut it down......what would happen? Would she walk? What if.....instead of "shutting it down", you just shut "her" down and you were to get this mysterious busy life that did not include her? By shutting "her" down, I mean, of course in your attitude toward her. I am not suggesting that you walk away and leave your family. But I am wondering if she doesn't need a great awakening. So, what would she do, Lan, if she thought she was losing you???
Not trying to make things harder for you, sweetie. You know better than that. I am only scratching my head and trying to think of something and throwing thoughts out to the wind. Maybe that is dangerous, I don't know sometimes.
The thing is that I am still here with you.....okay??? I have not left you alone. Just wanted you to know that. Want you to take good care of yourself and try to enjoy life as best you can, even if it does not include her. That may be a decision she has to make about this MR. How much is she willing to put effort into it. Lan has been doing all the work, so it appears that it's time for a shake up. Again, I'm not suggesting you leave home or anything like that. As long as you feel that all of this is "worth it", then you need to stay where you are. I know that "she" is not the only person you are thinking about! Makes it very difficult, I know. You are a wonderful man and I have always thought you were. It is such a shame she can't see what a treasure she has.
I'll check back soon. Sorry I have not posted in a while. Kind of like you said, don't know what to say but about the same thing. You know you can always catch me on my thread if you need to talk to me.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know I have not heard your W's side of things....
Hi Sandi,
Here’s W side of things, she’s not been talking to me or engaging me in full conversation cos in her opinion, it was me Lan, who has not been talking to her, and this (again in her opinion) was since FIL had a episode of chest pains and had to go to ER.
Well from my side at the time W and I had a discussion about her internet chat and I got annoyed cos she just dismissed it as not important or anything to worry about. We left that conversation with me retreated in my shell still fuming that she was being very dismissive about something I was concerned about. Anyway later in the day W had left the house without saying a word . I only found out she was at ER with FIL cos BIL phoned me to find out what was going on I didn’t have a clue. Needless to say FIL was ok after some checks but W is still annoyed with me cos I didn’t ask in detail about FIL the next day so she’s held it against me for 3 weeks.
She said she’s been waiting for me to talk to her and more importantly ask more about FIL. I told her when I see that scowl on her face I know she (in my opinion) is unapproachable and is just looking for an opportunity to bite my head off , so I back off and give her space.
W said when we do talk it’s all about me, me, me, my problems, my fears, my work, my friends etc and I never ask her about her work, her feelings, her friends, I don’t listen to her and most important of all I didn’t ask her about FIL after she went to ER with him. In short she doesn’t think I care enough about her, FIL and what she is going through coping with his illness.
That’s it in short, I was gonna add more but it make me sound defensive, and takes away the balance in the account I’ve just given.
Oh, the PS to all of this is she did tell me about what went on with FIL at the hospital but her point was I didn’t ask first.
Well, if it were me and given the history, I would have been ticked about the Internet stuff. She has never been stable enough IMHO since the other problem and she would be too tempted to fall into an area she doesn't need to be in.
The part about the FIL and her not talking, etc., is unfortunately like a lot of women. She was being spiteful toward you by not alerting you of the trip to ER and she knew exactly what she was doing and yet was waiting on you to ask questions about FIL first. It is adult games that the sexes play and it is stupid. As long as my H and I have been M, I have to fight myself to not play stupid games when I get mad.
I'll have to say that I have been very proud of us and how we have improved since I had the EA and all that trouble back then. You know, Lan, for a long time when my H was backing off and giving me space and time to get my act together (so to speak) I wondered at times if he was even going to "try" at putting forth any effort b/c I couldn't see anything coming from him and if you are familiar with my story...that was one of my major grips was that he didn't "work" at the R like I had all those years. However, the one thing that both of us has improved upon is when I get angry at him for something....instead of not talking and burrying that anger inside of me....I try to wait until I can calmly talk and then approach him to tell him that I did not appreciate how he spoke to me (or whatever the situation was). So far, we have been able to talk it out and that is when I see him putting forth a bigger effort to try to make things good between us. In the past, he would have sulled up and not said a word! Even if I had talked until I was blue in the face....he would have sat there and not talked it out, so I hope that he will continue to do what he is doing now b/c then I can get over my hurt/anger and he can also and we move on and both of us are okay again.
I don't blame you at all for what you are feeling and it really ticks me off at your W to act like that. How can you be supportive while she is doing that? I hope it won't take the two of you as long as it took us to finally find a middle ground. You know her and what works best. You've also been on the board long enough to know if something "isn't" working that you need to try a different approach.
Hope you have a great Father's Day, Lan!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I had a really good Fathers day, D7 confirmed something I suspected for a while….. “I’m the best Dad in the world !!!”
W, D7, FIL, MIL and I all went for a drive into the countryside and we had a great pub lunch, followed by a walk around the local village whilst admiring some of the great countryside views.
Late in the evening when we got home W thanked me for looking after everyone, especially FIL, and told me what a wonderful guy I was. A far cry from last week when she accused me of not caring. And guess what, I haven’t changed one bit over that same one week period.
Ahhh....that is great, Lan!! Yes, you are the best dad in the world. Any father who sticks it out in a rough M b/c he loves his kids is a great dad.
I know your W sounds like she's crazy at times. Heck, I'm not even married to the woman and I could pull her hair out! Who knows what her hormones or whatever could be effecting her? I, for one, can testify to what "low hormones" does to a gal. It also can work the other way if they are raging out of control, so it looks like we females don't stand a chance. I think I told you a long time ago that we girls are either....pre....mid....or post some kind of "cycle" our entire life..... Not using that for her excuse or mine or anybody's. Just stating a fact. You never know what is going on with a woman!
Glad you had a great Sunday. You certainly deserved the admiration of your family.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i thought i was the world's best dad...well that is what i was told by D8. All kidding aside lan, I have been following you for a while and i have nothing but admiration for your efforts to keep your marriage going. To protect your D. That is what kept me going for the longest time. I really hope things turn around for you soon mon ami....you and your D deserve it.
I am just keeping low profile, so I won't say too much save I jinx things.
Actually the only drama in the last couple of weeks was over our collective debts and how we reduce some of them, we eventally came up with a workable plan, so the money stress is a bit less now.
We've ML once recently, W initiated things so that wasn't too bad. I tried again the following night and got a sharp rebuttle, so that put me back in my place I've not tried since.
I'm still having fun with D7 and being the best Dad in the world, next weekend we are away visiting W friends, I used to hate trips like this but now I just go with the flow.
So I'm just taking things one drama free week at a time.
Not using that for her excuse or mine or anybody's. Just stating a fact. You never know what is going on with a woman!