Kids came back after almost a month away with grandparents and SIL. Youngest is now reading - Yay! They insisted on driving straight over to my house so they could see the dog. It was a perfect afternoon and evening with the family.
Other than a few views here and there on Skype this was the first time they saw my house with all my stuff in it including their bedroom. They bounced around for a long time. We had steaks, corn, root beer, and picnic stuff on the back patio. W and I opened a special bottle we bought in Napa.
We walked up to one of the parks where there was a festival thing going on (almost every weekend there's something up there). This one was Ok but not very big - other than the beer garden (not the weekend for that) and the climbing wall for the kids, kinda small. Nonetheless a good family time-waster on a good evening. Maybe next festival I'll get a Harley Davidson eagle henna tattoo across my chest I've always wanted (that's a joke but someday I'm going to do it just to send W ROFL).
We came back and family played a few mean games of Jenga and Battleship. S went home with W and D stayed here. D and I watched some TV until late. (I haven't signed up for any tv service, just broadband internet. TV will be an occasional evening thing with hulu, appletv, DVDs and such. We've got so many things to do around here in the summer so TV is taking a back seat to the rest of life. It will be a good time to connect better with kids and for me to get out more.)
Once again it felt like any other day (in our previous life) except she wasn't with me during the evening. While it was comfortable, I didn't feel like it was as warm as a few previous times, perhaps because I was a little detatched. I've been a little zen-like all week.
A few comments stuck with me. She noted how she was lonely this weekend because her friends were out and I could see it in her. She also noted how this was an interesting week spending time by ourselves. She wanted to know how I felt. I told her sometimes it seemed very quiet around the house but otherwise I was doing all sorts of stuff. She thought the time was useful for us to figure ourselves out. We're both oldest children and kind of independent. Lastly, S said something about living apart (don't remember all of it) and her response was, "well maybe mom and dad live better as friends."
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I haven't been sleeping well most of this week so I need to keep tabs on what's going on. My sleep is fitful. My dreams are mostly about the R or money and I'm trying to problem solve in my sleep. I lose track of time and either wake up after an hour and feel like I've slept all night or I toss and turn feeling like I haven't slept at all. I just want one regular night of sleep.
I'm going to ask psy about this because I feel like something needs to be dealt with.
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Last edited by orangedog; 06/07/0906:11 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Don't want to be an actor pretending on the stage Don't want to be a writer with my thoughts out on the page Don't want to be a painter cause everyone comes to look Don't want to be anything where my life's an open book
A dream it's true But I'd see it through If I could be Wasting my time with you
Don't want to be a farmer working in the sun Don't want to be an outlaw always on the run Don't want to be a climber reaching for the top Don't want to be anything where I don't know when to stop
A dream its true But I'd see it through If I could be Wasting my time with you
So if I'm inside your head Don't believe what you might have read You'll see what I might have said To hear it
Come waste your time with me Come waste your time with me
So if I'm inside your head Don't believe what you might have read You'll see what I might have said To hear it
Come waste your time with me Come waste your time with me Come waste your time with me Come waste your time with me
Come waste your time with me
Phish "Waste"
The continuation of a sunny weekend.
D and I spent the morning at the house. Played some games. Planted the start of a simple bonsai. I taught her about rocks, soil, wiring, etc. The tree will look cool in about 50 years so be sure to mark it on your calendars. D likes the house and thinks it's cute.
At noon we went over to W's house . W was experiencing a little culture shock going from almost a month without the kids to the youngest demanding help with video game setups, computer not working, not able to find anything in kitchen, etc. She'd just bought RockBand and was trying to figure things out. i got there and got the thing going so kids (and adults) enjoyed some pointless entertainment.
Later in the afternoon we went to another festival. A bit on the weird side but entertaining. I felt a bit cheap because W paid for admission and food at the event. I've got two counseling appts and an expensive rx to fill so my budget is down to the wire until the 15th. We joked about how I'm buying the next din and a movie for all four of us next time out. But I still felt a little cheap and not very manly.
We came home, kids played for a little while in the sprinklers, and I cooked up some din. Just like old times. Food was about ready to hit the plates when BFF and Fling arrived. They'd spent the weekend fishing and this was the first W had heard from them. They dropped some stuff in the freezer, made some loud conversation for a few minutes then rolled on. W was not crazy about it. After they left she told me how she'd laid down the law with BFF and Fling and rules about how much time they spend at the house. She even referred to Fling as "Jack--s" .
Kids went upstairs so we refilled our cups and settled in for a little conversation. W was really upset how her sister, just two weeks after a big breakup was already involved with someone new and brought her and the kids on a weekend trip with him. She promised she would never do something like that with me. (thanks) Seriously, she said she was in no hurry to find someone new. She also remembered how I said I wasn't interested in dating anyone either. i think my response was something like, "yeah I'm in no hurry. I'm enjoying my time"
W said we should give each other a big pat on the back for spending time with children and letting them know we love them. And getting along. Indeed!. More pointless convo. It was starting to get towards bath/bedtime so I said I needed to get going. I said bye to kids (gave them the "I'm watching you" sign language and joked a little). Then gave W a big hug and told her I was happy to waste so much time with her. She kind of laughed. You know what I mean.
Overall - I wasn't the most live today - my sleep is off ( and I mentioned that to her). She seemed maybe a little lonely, a little frustrated with others. But we spent the day as a family.
When I got back home I felt really sad.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I haven't been sleeping well most of this week so I need to keep tabs on what's going on. My sleep is fitful. My dreams are mostly about the R or money and I'm trying to problem solve in my sleep. I lose track of time and either wake up after an hour and feel like I've slept all night or I toss and turn feeling like I haven't slept at all. I just want one regular night of sleep.
That's why the Pharmacology gods invented Ambien.
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I still felt a little cheap and not very manly.
Feh! You know in that Schnarch book he has that couple where the guy was super-obsessed with making sure his wife had a visit from the O fairies every time (yeah, wotta jerk! )? Schnarch points out that this thing you seem to have going on -- "I shoulda paid" -- is actually a selfish act. You let someone else do for you, you're giving them something -- the opportunity to feel the way you do when you're in control. So lock that nonsense away.
I had a similar thing in my sitch this week. Have a family weekend "back home" in late July and am taking the kids to see the cousins, etc. Airfares are impossible -- no way I could afford it. So I said so to WAW and she insisted on paying. I refused, resisted, blah-blah manly. Finally we compromised -- I used my last 100K FF miles on Major Airline for the Boy and Myself, and she ponied up to cover the Girl-Child's trip. And we both had ownership and took responsibility and cooperated for the benefit of the children, and it was good.
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But we spent the day as a family.
When I got back home I felt really sad.
And that's as good as it gets right now. You did the right thing. You had the right focus. You sustained your moto for the benefit of the children and gave them good stuff to remember. Then you went back to the Fort Testosterone and owned your own feelings. Good on you. Hang a heavy bag in the garage and kick the sh*t out of it for a while; eat a sleeping pill or two -- no more!; buy a wok or a crock-pot; get a dart-board. Whatever it takes. You are succeeding.
Are you still unsure of what outcome you want for your sitch? Just curious...
The time you spend with you family sounds so happy and fun. It seems such a shame that you two aren't on exactly the same page, but I hope that you will be soon.
I bet the BFF sitch will never last, especially if your W has to put up with "jack##s" when she's going through this tough transition.
Don't worry too much about the money thing. Your feeling "unmanly" about it made me feel for you. You aren't in a great position right now financially, and she understands and just might feel lousy about her part in putting you there. Just have faith that you will be better off financially in time as you work toward that goal.
So... The question about where you stand in your heart. It may be too soon for you to know, but when you do, I hope that you are able to tell your W exactly what you want in a way that is not considered pursuing (in the negative sense.) I worry that she may feel that you are just letting all of this happen.
@SP I've got a visit scheduled w/ psy today and I'm going to ask him about the sleep probs. While I'm not excited about another Rx, I miss my ability to do simple math or remember the days of the week. I just want sleep.
I can see now how the paying could be like "doing", or "getting done". Next time I'll remember to let go and enjoy the ride. She'll get her turn next week when I take the family out on my dime.
I'll remember and feel good about what I did for children. It was really a good weekend.
@Lucky
I'm not sure what I want out of my sitch either. I need to define those goals. Here's roughly what's floating around in my gray matter:
- To be the best dad I can be. Day to day I will work on the fun events with kids.
- Continue to be W's friend but don't cave in to unreasonable demands.
- Use my time to fully GAL. I'm doing a lot of fun things but I feel like I need one biggie to bring it all together (part time consulting, community group, write a book, something...)
- To develop happiness independently of married. That is, whether I'm married or not, my life comes from me and is not dependent on her.
- If she comes around, I want to start at the beginning again with a first date, first kiss, and stay over at my place.
- If she comes around, I want to really open up about what we need to do and do the work.
- Deepen the intimacy (Schnarch).
- Retrouvaille.
- And to also respond to your last sentence, yes, I need to somehow get across that I'm doing this but I'd rather be married and together. I feel right now, like,
I'm going to let BFF thing just play out. She'll figure it out soon enough.
The money thing will get better. I have my atty working on the Ch13 to reduce the payment, redo the plan, or something. It might be tough for a few months till that's done.
W suggested I find a fun part-time job (outfitters, bike shop, computer place) for extra cash and socialization. While the socialization is a fun idea, I need to focus on my primary job first and the cash would be minor compared to reducing/redoing the Ch 13. She might be on to something as far as GAL but I want to think carefully about what that would be.
And to also respond to your last sentence, yes, I need to somehow get across that I'm doing this but I'd rather be married and together. I've been concerned lately about the balance between detaching (accepting the relationship is already dead) and sending a message that I agree with not being married. Here's what she should be getting from me:
-I've moved out. In turn I think I got the better deal. You're place is a disaster and you're living with BFF who you are quickly discovering is not as easy as you thought it would be. I have a cute, fun, house right downtown.
-I've given us space. I don't call or email except to discuss business.
-I've got a life. My own activities and friends.
-I've not fallen apart (as you probably thought I would).
-I've taken care of my depression.
-I've taken time to through counseling, reading, talking to others, to discover what was wrong in our previous relationship. While you may have dismissed this as psychological mumbo-jumbo or "too little too late", I've told you I want the same things in a relationship too (deep love, intimacy) and I will have them again someday with you...or with somebody else.
-I've taken care of my business (ch 13, bills, and even have an atty ready to go should you decide to file).
-I've made improvements in my life and my well-being (as you noted on several occasions).
-I've shown that I will continue to be a good father (and will become even a better father).
-I've shown that I can continue to work with you, remain agreeable, and friendly, no matter what our marital status.
-I've shown more backbone. I don't respond to unreasonable demands or bullying (robx disagrees about the moving part, but that aside, I'm firm. ).
-I've helped Woman-Friend bust her divorce, and showed you how I value marriage. I only wish I could do this with you.
-I've even got a little attention from the other gender.
Somehow though, I feel I need to do a little more than just waiting for her to see that what she's been looking for is right under her nose.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Why do you ask? Income differences? Thinking differences?
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Currently she earns about 25% more than I do. In a year or two she could make partner and possibly make twice what I do.
Ownership at my place talked about starting a partnership succession plan however they recently scraped it so all those who like me were ready to go now are left hanging. I'm at a crossroads here. I've been talking with another guy who recently started his own shop and wants me in. I like his style and I'd like to give it a try. I can't buy in at the moment (damn Ch 13) but I might be willing to go over there anyway and buy in as soon as I can. If I can convert the 13 to a 7, flush the payments, then I would have extra income to begin investing.
The plan with W and I always was that once W got on as partner, then I could try going out on my own, either in my own shop or with someone else. Then came a 13...then came the separation.
Thinking styles:
She's very black and white / linear / slightly introverted. Always knew she wanted to be an atty.
I'm more gray / artistic / ADD / introverted but do fine in familiar crowds. Knew I wanted to do something creative but not sure what. Got into web media. Seems to fit my artistic side and my hyperfocus (code) well.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
)? Schnarch points out that this thing you seem to have going on -- "I shoulda paid" -- is actually a selfish act. You let someone else do for you, you're giving them something -- the opportunity to feel the way