GETTING UN'STUCK'

[MrBond]

Hi WDID,

That was a great post! I totally owe you. You've been saying the same things that sandi's been saying.

I pray quite often for my W to get clarity and seek help in the right places. Right now she's nowhere near that place.

Out of curiosity, if your H had tried making himself attraction to you, told you to get help, etc. How would you have reacted?

[MrBond]

robx? Any comments?

[Kittyfish]

So, mine told me to get help- and I did- from two doctors- both of whom said I was suffering from PTSD from my childhood- they prescribed meds- Anti D's- and I just got more manic. It wasn't until about two years later that I said "Hmmmm, could I be bipolar?"

So, that's my story with getting help.

[sandi2]

But, didn't you say she is still seeing the OM? If so, this will be sooo much harder. Until the OM moves on to someone else or treats her bad, etc., she will still have those "feelings" popping up. Even if she is passed him, per se, she will be seeing this old OM every day and thinking about those feelings she had and start thinking someone ELSE is out there.

I agree. Even though I did not have a PA, I know from my own EA that I could not truly let it go until I finally faced some facts about OM. I tried going without contact, etc., but when I got angry at him, that made it easier to let go of the EA b/c of my pride. The second thing---was knowing in my heart right from wrong and having to make an active choice about it. The other part was tough.......the grieving and going "cold turkey". Even though I knew he probably was telling me a bunch of stuff just to get in my pants......I still missed our times together after I stopped all contact. As one of the girls said, when I was at work, on the cell phone, etc., we had fun and as sick as it sounds, I missed that when it ended. I was bored, felt empty and sad.

One time, he was going off for a weekend and could not contact me until he got back that Sunday night. I acted as if I was at a funeral all weekend! Just like they said.....when I was in a good mood....it was b/c I had had a good ego fixer. If I was down in the dumps it was b/c I had not been in touch with OM for over 24 hours. This is hard for any husband to hear, but better to have the knowledge than not.

WDID, was talking about how women could go from one partner to the next, and that was how that book I read described it. It said that she would go from man to man until all her natural feelings would not be satisfied and would be like a downward spiral and would hit rock bottom. She would never find complete happiness or satisfaction due to her messed up sexual emotions with different men. I have heard it taught that God man woman where when she made love to a man, that part of her soul was involved in that connection. With a man, it is more of a physical act instead of a "soulish" act. That is why women say that they need the sex for the "connection" or intimacy. That is why a woman gets so messed up when she has had many sexual partners. If I have already told you this, I apologize. When I read what the girls said about the OM and A's, I was nodding my head in agreement. It is so hard for men to understand how women feel when they are normal, much less when they are in a crises.

I want to say amen to the fact that a LBH does not need to do anything that hints at him feeling sorry for himself. My H would come in from work and sit on the couch with this hound-dog expression on his face and it mad me furious. I almost hated the sight of him. His "pitiful" actions just disgusted me! So, see how terrible it works on WAW's? It works the opposite direction than what one would think! GAL is the best way to show your W just what she is missing by not spending her time with a man like you! That is much more attractive than a man sitting on the couch feeling sorry for himself. At first, she may not seem to notice what you are doing b/c she is so caught up in her own misery. In time, she will see.

I love my H and feel very blessed that he waited out the terrible time that it took to get through my crises. If he had had the information that you men here on the board has......it would have been so much better. I know it is heartbreaking for you, but I want you to realize that there is hope. I am a living example of that! Don't give up.

Sandi

[givingitmyall]

Hey Sandi, I do not want to hijack this thread. I would appreciate your thoughts on my sitch if you have time to drop by my thread (see link below - still learning how to use the boards). I have read many of your posts, and it is clear you know MUCH more than me.

Thanks.

[MrBond]

Kittyfish, Whatdidido, sandi, dancingqueen,

thanks everyone for your responses. They've been great at helping me understand my W.

Okay I have another question. Over the weekend, my grandmother (who is 99) fell and broke her hip. I was at the hospital all weekend and worried sick. The docs said she was going to be fine after her surgery which happened on Saturday.

While I was at the hospital, my W and the kids stayed over at her sister's place where she had first moved to when we separated. It was already a planned slumber party, so it worked out okay.

When I called her on Sunday morning to let her know how my grandmother was, she sounded very concerned, asked how she was, etc. and it was great that she cared. Then when I got home later that night, I felt that wall up again and she half-heartedly asked how my grandmother was doing. I don't know, but her face and her attitude showed the same thing as these past month and a half. Kind of indifferent, "oh, it's you" kind of attitude.

I thought at the very least because of the situation, she'd be a little more sympathetic. In fact, at no time since this happened did she actually ask how I was doing.

When you were all in the fog of the OM, were you THAT cold to your spouses? Were there times when you purposely tried to start a fight with them?

[MrBond]

Journaling.

On Saturday, after I got back from the hospital, I was home alone since my W was at her sister's. My friend had let me borrow the "Fireproof" movie and when I watched it last night, needless to say, I cried like a little girl.

Okay I said it. Too bad real life isn't like Hollywood.

[givingitmyall]

Stuck, I have been holding off on watching that one for that same reason.

[confusedinpa]

Journaling.

On Saturday, after I got back from the hospital, I was home alone since my W was at her sister's. My friend had let me borrow the "Fireproof" movie and when I watched it last night, needless to say, I cried like a little girl.

Okay I said it. Too bad real life isn't like Hollywood.

Stuck,

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother and hope her the best.

I had watched Fireproof as well. I'm glad you didn't make the same mistake I did. her mom gave us the video and we had never watched. I asked her one day (post bomb) if she wanted to watch it. She said yes (this was about 4 weeks after she dropped the Divorce filing bomb).

After we watched it, she was crying. I thought good. WRONG

She said she thought it was so cruel that I "made" her watch a movie that brought back so much hurt as it hit so close to home. To top it all off, she said that she had to watch it with the person that hurt her that way. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I wanted to go comfort her, but she just snapped don't touch me and stormed to bed.

Craziness. I do agree, too bad life isn't like a movie. I had even told her before that I would give up all the things that we've built up and all the things just for another chance the nite she dropped the bomb on me. Guess she figured she would get all through a divorce anyway......

I'll keep your grandmother in my prayers when I go to church this Sunday

Take care

[MrBond]

Thanks CIPA. The prayers are appreciated.

I think the thing that hit home for me in the movie was the W's R with the doctor. That's exactly what happened with my W. The doc was married and preyed on her and she decided to leave her family for him. My W also has that same cold, uncaring demeanor about her now.

I think we have all gotten to that point in the film where we were praying our hearts out for some kind of miracle so I could relate to that too. I think the only way for God to knock some sense into her is if that big wooden cross actually fell on her! LOL.

She told me that she FINALLY found what she wanted in life. Although what that is, she's never told me. However, I deduce it's someone to take care of her. Someone whom she perceives as Adult/Mature and has the means to take care of her. Don't know where this came from, but that's what I feel she was looking for based on the bits and pieces she's been telling me.