I hate my H

[dmkdmkdmk]

H says I was too controlling -

He thinks I always have to have my way - that's another thing he has said.

Right now: I have stopped complaining about him wanting to do things on his own. Giving him space. No R talk. I am watching my tone - he always says it's not what I say but how I say it.

The positives:
1. Still in same bed
2. At home
3. Goes to MC
4. Says he is noticing me making changes & it is nice
5. Does homework from MC
6. Has said he appreciates me "trying"
7. Communicates w/me about where he is going & calls/emails me throughout the day - for instance on Fri said he might go out for some beers w/a friend after work. Calls later on to tell me who he is going with & where. Texts me later to saying they are leaving X establishment to go to Y establishment.
8. At MC 2 weeks ago said he takes 50% of the blame. MC says what are you doing to own your 50%? H says - coming here & trying to take more of an interest in what she is doing. He never said he was willing to "try" to do anything until this point.

The negatives:
1. No talk of future - limboland
2. No physical touch
3. No spending time together (outside of watching tv in the evenings)

I guess when things were better, we were more carefree. We didn't have so many responsibilities. If he wanted to do something, he did it. I wanted to do something, I did it.

LL - for him words of affirmation will be my focus. For me quality time. What do you mean by centering the conversation? Please give me suggestions!

Hopeful......you know, us Virginians need to stick together....LOL

So what are you doing about those things? It has been said to NOT believe anything you hear, but one does have to put some creedence in the complaints. Although they are not entirely true, they are contributors to the breakdown of things.

I did not think I was controlling until I read about controlling behaviours. I was shocked at how controlling I really was...More from being critical than anything.

Control can come from anything that makes the other person"s sense of themselves feel threatened.

I.E. Walking by something that they are cooking. taste it and adding salt without asking.... That is criticism . Whather we think that at the time is irrelevant. It is what they sense as being the problem.

It's good to list your positives and negatives....but keep them in check for yourself. Expectations can kill YOU, and I mean both positive and negative ones...

I'm going to put up something that I posted last week over in MLC. It is a compiled list of things that helped me get through the early stages of this.....

Maybe some of this can help explain to you, and hopefully others can get something from it too....



I had actually found a few different articles that got me through the toughest part of this.....understanding.



A few things pasted together .....


Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.

We get the two confused.

We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.

The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.

Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.

But it's the working that makes it not work right now.

When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.

When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.

When you argue, you're working at improving them.

When you try to reason with them.

When you tell them how much you love them.

Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.

Proof? You want proof?

Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.

Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.

It's perfectly okay.

And watch them improve themselves.

Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.

You have put the white flag up.

You've thrown your gun down.

That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.

It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.

Agree with them.

Do not disagree at all.

It's not to your advantage.
....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."

Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."

I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."

"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."

"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"

"Yeah, I want her back."

"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."

And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."

I want to needlepoint this and put it in front of me where I can look at it all the time