WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[sandi2]

My biggest fear of shifting away from my approach is that it will "validate" in her mind that she was right that it wouldn't last.

I think we have discussed this before. It is something that almost every LBS says. That fear holds them back for accomplishing what they could a lot sooner. As I told you last time, "now" is not the time to show her what a great husband you are. It is past that point. I want you to understand that it is not the "time frame" for proving you are not who she thought you were. Maybe, hopefully, someday you will get that chance......but it is not now. Can you understand that and can you accept it?

I've tried Dark/Dim (often backsliding into nice guy) and shifted into friendly but its still not making a difference

I believe one reason some LBH's get confused about the Dbing is b/c there are a couple of ways to go with this. One way is to drop the rope and go dark and allow time to heal the hurt. This allows the WAW to "miss" her H and the M. It is hard to do when there are children, but it can be done. In some cases (but not all) a LBH can be all friendly and nice when he communicates and sees the WAW. This is a painful process and takes a long time to win the trust of the WAW. This is not the way to go in every case. I belive you have been getting the two processes confused and trying to do both. One day you are all dark and call yourself dropping the rope (but you never have as of yet) and the next day you call yourself being a friendly "loving" husband.

With most WAW's the "lovingly" part does not work. With the typical WAW, the lovingly would turn her off. Although I do not think your wife is the typical WAW, I would not try to show her just how lovingly I could be b/c she would not receive it nor respect it the way you want. It is very difficult to try to explain and I think I've tried before, so I ask that you take the word of MWD and trust the DB techniques.

Answer me this, haven't you tried to show her in a loving way that you are no longer the H she claims has hurt her so badly? Yet, it has not worked during this time apart, so why can't you turn lose of that way of thinking and do what is suggested? I believe you come off as being a doormat in her eyes and she is feeding off the power of all this control.

I am a believer in "tough love" in a lot of cases. I believe that your stitch is one of those cases. However, as long as you believe it will do more harm than good.....it will not work. You must believe in the techniques you are applying.

My biggest fear of shifting away from my approach is that it will "validate" in her mind that she was right that it wouldn't last.

Any suggestions on how to mitigate that?

See my point? You are terrified that she will convince herself that what she thought about you is true. I think you have made this same statement before (or else I've just read it so many times from other posters), and you are still afraid. Why can't you be the best man you can be and if that does not meet with her approval, then too bad--b/c nothing would meet her approval at this time! Personally, I think that is where she is at right now. No man could not meet her expectations! She is into the "blame game" and nobody is going to take that away from her.

Right now she is in the last step, that a divorce is the constructive change (where I'm in despair) I need to pull her back into a signifcant emotional event.

You cannot pull her back into anything! You have no control over her. The only person you have control over is yourself.

I had tried to do that to show her that I can be a loving husband. In hopes of making her remember our dream of happily ever after to want it again. She still doesn't want it right now

That's what I've tried to tell you. So, will you believe me now and stop trying to be this "loving" H and start doing the other things we've discussed?

I don't know why she's doing what she's doing, but I guess that's not the point

You could drive yourself crazy in trying to figure all of that out. Just start with the fact that you are S and don't try to figure her out. She may not be typical, but she is still a WAW and most H's cannot figure them out.

I have to dance around the child support hearing coming up but I need to change what I'm doing to create a severe emotional event for her.

This makes twice you have referred to causing an emotional event for her. What are you talking about?

BTW, why did you bring up the subject of the child support when she was by your house and you were in the kitchen talking?

Check on you later,
Sandi