If there's anything I learned from coming to this board and reading people's posts, it is this: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."
Now, I'm not calling anyone insane, but I think insanity's definition definitely applies to this thread. We all have been telling Kevin to seek professional help/counseling, to not pursue and keep asking his W questions about the R, to focus on himself instead of the W and what she's been doing, etc., etc., and Kevin has never listened to any of them, and yet we keep telling him the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Perhaps it's time for those still willing to support Kevin to do something different?
Sorry, but I gave up on him a long time ago. I only follow this thread so I can learn from all the insightful and well-meaning posters' (thank you 25, City Girl, etc.) well-thought out advice....Your suggestions/recommendations may not have had any effect on Kevin, but I did learn a lot from them. Thank you!
Today I let my kids stay home at the apartment. D11 has her cell phone and is also on IM on the computer. She is very responsible. I will be going home to check on them at lunch. W got extremely mad about this and said they need socialization through the summer and this better not be the norm. I said it wouldn't be. I thought we would give it a try for one day and see how it goes. It may be something special they can do now and then. She said from now on if they are going to do that it needs to be at her house where her mom is right around the block. I said fine. Ugg... I can't seem to win.
Apparently after I fell asleep D11 was texting on her phone last night to her mom. I got yelled at for that. So I guess I will have to start taking away her phone at bedtime.
All in all, not a good way to start the morning.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I haven't been talking about the R with W. I will quit pursuing her to as I guess thats what it was when asking her about a meal.
I am trying to figure myself out.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Don't talk to her at all...about anything...EXCEPT the kids...and nothing else! And only do that if it's absolutely necessary. If you talk to her about the kids, then keep it short and to the point.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
You keep saying you "have to figure yourself out". Thus far drinking, escaping to Florida, this site, books, church and medication has not given you even the slightest clue on figuring out who you are and what is stopping you from learning to flourish on your own. You do NOT have the skillset (yet) to figure yourself out which is why we have said 8 bazillion times that it is necessary to see a counselor.
Lets say I had to take a chemistry class (which by the way I failed miserably at in high school). But for whatever reason at this point in my life it was mandatory I take a chemistry class. I could attend the class, listen to the lectures, read the books and pay attention but chances are, because of the way my brain works (I have a terribly "non science" brain)) I would *need* help to figure it out. So, I would see a tutor (10 tutors if necessary). In your case, the "tutor" is a counselor. Because no matter how hard you try sometimes we just cant get something without the help of a trained pro.
My sister is a registered nurse and she is also a certified med tech and works in a stat lab at a major hospital. The test she performs on blood and tissue samples are usually life and death situations. She is a smart cookie. But I sure as hell would not want her to perform brain surgery on me because she does not have those skills. See what I am saying? Sometimes you can only take yourself so far before you need somebody else to step in. She is aware of her limits as a medical provider and would not be foolish enough to try and "figure it out" on her own in a life or death situation. And you my friend, IMO, are in a life or death situation.
What if I posted here that as of tomorrow I have decided to stop taking my lupus meds and I will just figure it out on my own. I will just "wait and see" about what would happen to my kidneys, lungs and heart. I would imagine that people would tell me I am crazy. Your "disease", while different than mine, is still equally as pressing for treatment.
I have asked you now FOUR times to provide a detailed list/action plan of ways for you to find affordable or free counseling along with a timeline of when this will be done by and so far you have opted not to particpate. That speaks volumes. I think you like being unhappy because sometimes, at least from the get go, being happy takes work.
Lastly, you keep saying "I cant win with my W". Lose that mentality. This is not about winning or who can "one up the other". This is about fiding workable solutions as co parents. If ya'll cant do that on your own then you both need to get yourself to a class to obtain those tools.
I have to post this for the safety of your children b/c you don't know some very basic stuff about childrearing I guess. I mean you can cheer at their games and that's really nice and all...but seriously...
You "just wanted to try" Leaving an 11 y/o in charge of her 7 y/o sister, alone in an apartment AND on the internet,?? THEN she got mad at you (DUH!!) and you whined that you "can't win with w"...!?!?! And your solution to d11 calling the w, is to take away the cell phone (that she'd use if there was a fire, or an intruder, or an overdose of yours....ALL so your w won't get mad at you....)
Legally speaking, you're lucky your w is letting you have them at all after that. It's called child endangerment Kevin!! It was at best, truly thoughtless. You could be facing charges of neglect or worse.
I'd kill my h for being so stupid as to not prepare for child care when he has the kids. If something fell through, he'd have to stay home OR call me or someone to stay with them until HIS child care planning came into effect. What child care planning? Um, YOURS!! You knew you had the kids that day. Oh, but you were too busy obsessing and wondering if YOUR W was thinking of you, or what missing the Div deadline MIGHT mean b/c she now sees how mature and responsible you are....Basically You were too busy in Kevin's own little show of "Me and My Needs/Wants" and what other tactics you can use to "get her back FAST" instead of planning on how to care for your children while you are at work.
I'm embarrassed for you. And scared for your daughters. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have to agree with 25 totally and I dont even have kids.
Leaving two young kids alone for 8+ hours in an apartment complex that is fairly new to them with neighbors you dont yet know is crazy WHILE they have full access to the Internet. I mean, seriously? What about lunch for them? What if they didnt use the stove properly and a fire happened? What if you were robbed or when one of them got hurt? What if god forbid one of them found your meds and decided to take a few?
You knew when your kids were done with school, you knew you would have them during the week and you knew you would be working. Why didnt you make any plans for their care? What did you plan to do with them all summer besides a few weeks of camp? You have complained up and down that when your W has the kids all she does is park them in front of the tv and text. And while that is not stellar parenting at least she is there with them!
25 is right - you are so invested in getting your W back and looking for a quick fix you are not only neglectful of yourself but now you are doing the same to your children. Do you think your W will feel comfortable knowing her kids are alone all day without any adult supervision AND it was not something you discussed with her ahead of time?
You belong to a HUGE church - dont tell me there isnt some sort of daily childcare available there for the summer months.
This is what I mean by you "figuring it out". You cant. And while you keep trying you put two little kids in danger AND you really pissed your W off more.
Think about this and think hard. You keep saying its all about your kids but today it sure wasnt. It was again about you and how you cant win.
Ok. I had not thought about that. I will rectify that situation immediately. I had gone home to check on them and they were doing fine as D11 is very responsible. She has her cell phone and IM on the computer and I'm not very far away. But I hadn't thought about the rest of that. W was ok with it 2 except that she just wants them out with other kids socializing. But I will leave and get that taken care of asap. Its only been a couple of hours. Wow. I did not realize the ramifications of that.
Thanks for making me aware.
The taking away the cell phone at night was what W told me to do so that D11 was not up texting late at night. W got mad at me for D11 texting her last night past bedtime. D11 has her cell phone today. They really wanted to stay home and I felt like they were trustworthy enough and so I guess I wanted them to enjoy their day and didn't realize the impacts it could have.
I need to go take care of that. Thanks for telling me.
Kevin
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Let this be a very strong lesson for you. You never seem to think of all the ins and outs of things then you scramble around to do damage control. Arent you tired of that by now?
If you need to get a pad and a pen and make a list of pros and cons for each choice you have to make so you can see in black and white what is a good idea and what is a terrible idea. That way, you wont always be in damage control mode.
You wonder why your W is always annoyed and turned off by you? This is why. You dont think, you just act on emotion then backpeddle to "fix things" and the cycle just continues.
Only you can break this cycle. Yes, your kids might have wanted to stay home and sure, of course you want them to enjoy their day but you are their FATHER and not their buddy. Your first obligation is for their safety and well being and sometimes that means you have to say "sorry, I know you might want to stay home but that isnt going to happen".
As I said on another thread you need to start setting some boundaires with both your W and your children. Otherwise all three of them will continue to walk all over you. Dont think your kids dont see what is going on and which parent they can manipulate (that would be you). They know their mom wont take their BS but if they go crying to daddy he will make it better. That doesnt make you the hero, it makes you the pushover and drives a huge wedge in the co-parenting you and your W need to be doing.
I was 20 when my parents divorced and trust me, I knew exactly how to manipulate my dad because like your W, my mom took no BS from me or my sister. Yeah, it was good for a while but eventually I lost all respect for my dad because he was so weak and helpless after the divorce he didnt know which way to turn (and he eventually turned to booze which killed him at the age of 58).
Again, the last time I will ask - when are you going to get on the task of the counseling list?
No offense Kev, but who is making the determination that your D11 is responsible enough to stay home by herself??? Not to mention is responsible and qualified enough to watch your D7???? You have not proven to responsible enough to take care of yourself let alone make that call.
If something did happen you could not only loose your children, but also go to jail for NEGLECT. Why on heavens would you take that chance right now with everything else going on in your life?
Here is a web site I found that has some useful information for you to adhere to.
For the most part, I too was done replying to your thread until you sought help, but I couldn't ignore this ignorance.
Illinois law defines a neglected minor, in part, as "any minor under the age of 14 years whose parent or other person responsible for the minor's welfare leaves the minor without supervision for an unreasonable period of time without regard for the mental or physical health, safety or welfare of that minor." Juvenile Court Act, 705 ILCS 405/2-3(1)(d)
Get HELP PLEASE!!! If nothing else for your children's sake.
Oh and then to read that your D11's ok because she has IM. Haven't you ever scene Dateline predator series??? So do a lot of perv's out there.
What about all your meds?? Are they all locked up? Any guns in the house???
