IMO that is the crux of the issue between the WAS and LBS. The WAS expects a certain kind of reaction from the LBS as that is how things always used to be. But now all of a sudden they arent getting it and they dont know how to operate in this new dynamic so they will do all they can do to try and pull you back in so they can operate with the LBS in a way that is familiar to them. Its unhealthy but sort of the natural way people respond... do what you know. And right now your W still sees you as somebody she cant communicate with (although, IMO, the communication issues seem to be about equal on her part).
The rude, bossy and dictative tone is not acceptable and there are ways to let her know it wont be tolerated without creating conflict or more ill feelings. This is where setting boundaries is key and setting boundaries is for YOU and YOUR growth, not for the WAS. And sure, the WAS will resist the boundaries for a while but tough, this period of growth is about you and your self improvement, not hers.
WAS are usually stunned that the LBS is now in "solution mode" as it is new to them. I would not feed into her jabs and keep on the path of finding solutions. IMO its important to offer solutions but be open and let her know that her input is appreciated and valued. But, it will only be appreciated and valued if she expresses it in a polite and respectful way.
Clearly you both have some work to do in the co-parenting department and sometimes it only takes on to get that ball rolling to change the dynamic. In this case that burden will fall on your shoulders but dont get off the path of finding solutions, validation, listening and offering compromise.
Its a big slap in the face when the WAS finally realizes they are no longer calling the shots with the LBS and they will fight that. So, let her fight it and you keep on your path to a better Antlers. Eventually you might see that the M you were fighting for isnt really what you want because you have grown to the point where her behavior is not appealing at all. Or, at the very least it will help with some detachement.
As soon as my H got the message loud and clear he would not dictate it all things changed. He can do what he needs and wants to do but it will no longer have any bearing on what *I* need to do.
As we all know we are free to make our own choices but what we do not have freedom from are the consequences those choices bring. The LBS learns that early on - for whatever reason the WAS is slow on the learning curve with that ideal.
You want to walk away. Fine. You want an affair. Fine. But to those actions there are consequences and one major consequence is signing your rights away to all the perks of marrige and partnership with the LBS and be treated as nothing more than a polite stranger.
