Newly separated...advice please!

[traveldane]

Yes, good call on the weekend trip. Related to this whole strategy, check out articles on ezine by Leslie Cane. She has good advice that coincides with DBing.

Regarding my H, since we separated he has only really contacted me 2-3 times. Now, keep in mind, I was always contacting him for some reason or another 1-2 times per week, so its only recently that I have gone dark, NC. Its very frustrating because he has always been good at "the silent treatment", I can't stand it, so its very hard for me to try this 180. Especially since I feel like its exactally what he wants right now, but it would be a different approach on my part so I am trying it.

I say have the sushi and the steak! I lost a lot of weight when my H and I first separated too, was told I looked like a ghost for a while. Now am healthier looking and have been out in the sun so have got color back.

Let me know how the mini trip goes...I think its a great idea.

[sophia]

I'm so bummed out. I was about ready to leave for my little weekend trip. H calls but I don't pick up. He arrives a few minutes later to pick some stuff. I didn't want to be here because I wanted him to wonder where I was. He was in a hurry to pick up some stuff. I acted busy and upbeat. He did ask me where I was going when he saw the suitcase. I told him I was heading out of town. A couple minutes later after he came in from the garage he asked where exactly I was going. I told him where I was going and that I was meeting my best friend there. Probably too much info.

I asked him how stepson(autistic) was. He said SS didn't want to come over here. I asked him why he thinks SS hasn't wanted to come over since H moved into rental a couple days ago. H said maybe it's because he never felt at home here. I thought that was a little mean of him to say. I didn't validate what he said and just mentioned that SS sure had fun with me last Friday night when he was here and didn't want to leave the next morning.

H was only here about 5 minutes. Before he left he said drive safely. I told him thanks and keep in touch. He smiled and said keep those cards and letters rollling in.

All in all, I don't think it was that friendly of an interaction. I guess it could have been worse. I just want him to miss me and to fall in love with me again. I guess I just have to expect a miracle and remain positive. This is going to be one long, hard journey.

Me 40
WAH 43
T 4 years
M 9 1/2 months
sep. 3 weeks
stepson 9
1 dog
1 cat

[traveldane]

ok. not that I one to be giving advice but...

try not to say keep in touch...its like asking him for attention. And his response...keep those calls, letters, rolling in! That's BS...almost like he is counting on the fact that you will keep up with the pursuing contact. Can't let him have that in the back of his mind as a "safety".

See how he pursued asking you where you were going, and again? He is intrigued, interested. Next time come back with something vague, mysterious..."oh, just of for a little adventure", or "Just for a little fun". Don't mention you are meeting a girl friend...let him wonder.

You've got the right idea. Its all in the execution. Believe me, I know. When I interact with my H, I analzye it later and see how close I was to on the right track, but tend to give myself away at the end by asking if he want's to get together again, or bordering too close on R talk...its sooooooooo hard to maintain the aloofness when you are talking to your former best friend. Believe me, I know.

Still try to have a great weekend and know that he will be wondering about the fun you are having.

[VeronicaV]

Hi HopefulinMT,

Just checking in to see how the GAL is going. I know it can be very difficult in the early days. All one wants is to save the marriage and it really feels like focusing all of one's energy into that goal is the right thing to do. It feels as though you are the only one carrying the marriage and if you look away, even for a second, all will be lost. That makes it so difficult to shift the focus to oneself because it feels like you will lose.

I have been where you are and I do understand your feelings. As contrary as it may seem, the only way to save your marriage is to find and save yourself, first. Reconnect with yourself, learn to celebrate all the wonderful things that make you so special. Learn to meet your needs, all of them. My C once told me humans have three needs: water, food and shelter and that everything else is a desire. I had to learn to stop confusing needs with desires. I still need reminding and that's okay. After you meet your needs, go about fulfilling your desires - those that are within your control.

My point is this: you are too close, understandably, to see that shifting your focus to yourself and working on making yourself as happy and whole as you can be, is the best way to hopefully reconnect with your H.

I will keep checking on you. Just keep doing things, GAL things, however small and set small, attainable goals to shift your focus away from H and back to you - try 10 minute increments and see if that helps.

You will find yourself, just tell yourself that.

V.

[sophia]

Aside from the rainy and slushy weather, I had a pretty good weekend out of town by myself. I went out to eat at a steak house Sat. night. I just ate at the bar since I'm "single" now. This guy started talking to me. He was very polite and friendly and I eventually told him I was separated, but that didn't seem to bother him. He invited me to go fly-fishing the next day. But I declined, I'm not going to date anyone else. What's the point if I'm DBING and trying to save my marriage? It was flattering none the less, he told me I look 10 years younger than I am.

When I got home, I noticed that H had been here and used my computer. (His login name was on FB) He won't have internet service at his rental for another week. I had deleted my browsing history just in case he came over. But I forgot to clear the history in my mini-browser. I sure hope he didn't check it because I had his name, his ex's name, and an article about getting your separated husband back on it. How annoyingly embarrassing and pathetic of me if he did see it! Should I ask him if he used my computer while I was gone?

Also, should I ask for his house key back? A part of me doesn't want to because I want him to feel that I'm "leaving a door open" for him to come back. But then if he's going to come over when I'm not here and unintentionally run across my private stuff, well, that leaves me pretty vulnerable.

No contact from him since yesterday when he came over to pick up some stuff. It bothers me that he's not making more of an effort to keep me in my stepson's life. When should I discuss this concern with him?

On Tuesday H is going to LA for a week to visit his Dad. Maybe I will talk to him about SS when he gets back. I'm not going to say "keep in touch" anymore either. Afterall, I'm supposed to be going dark.

Me 40
WAH 43
T 4 years
M 9 1/2 months
sep. 3 weeks
1 stepson
1 dog
1 cat

[dburt]

I would change the locks on him, no need to ask for the key back. You must not make his decision any more comfortable to him. Letting him use your stuff anytime he wants is not a good thing. Having to ask you to use it is much better don't you think?

Great job on the galing. Just know that you should not contact him, he will contact you. When he gets mad about the keys not working, just say, I'm sorry, but I did not feel safe being here alone, and thought changing the locks would be safer for me.

The open door policy that you have is not letting him feel that he is going to lose you, and that is when turnarounds happen.

Burt

[sophia]

So what should I do? Should I ask him about using my computer while I was gone?

Sometimes I get so frustrated with this game that I just ask myself it it's really worth it. I'm not happy, I'm trying to GAL and PMA, but deep down I'm miserable, I hurt so much. Everything about this summer is turning out completely opposite of what I was expecting. Why me? I'm a good woman, I know I had my issues, but I'm working on them.

Why can't he just see that he would never find someone like me again? Someone who loved him and his son and was completely devoted to them. Maybe that was part of the problem, I was too attached to him and had a different idea of what "family" and "marriage" means.

I still believe, in spite of everything that has happened, that there is hope for us. I just started reading DR and I've been going dark, but is it healthy for me to have the expectation and hope that we will be back together after his 6 month lease is up? Or should I proceed with no expectations of us reconciling at all?


I know that I will survive, but being in limbo with NC at all from H hurts me like I've never been hurt before.

Me 40
WAH 43
T 4 years
M 91/2 months
sep. for 3 weeks
stepson 9
1 dog
1 cat

[Ready2Change]

Ready2Change,Did you or your wife file for the divorce? I often times wonder if my WAH is just waiting for me to do it so he doesn't have to deal with the guilt.When you look back at your situation, what is the best advice you can give for the LBS? And the book that helped you the most?I think you are a strong man and a great father.

Wife filed for divorce. She was full speed ahead and never stopped.

I have the books listed at the top of my thread. I have them listed in order.

The best advise I can give LBS is "Do not put your happiness in the hands of another. Be happy no matter how anyone else feels." There is a lot in that statement. Fake it till you make it. Make choices that make you happy. I wake up happy. I fall asleep happy.

[dburt]

You are a great woman, you will get through this, and you reading a book that has tools for you to cope with however this goes down. What are your other options?

Do not talk about the computer, he used it without your permission, that will be taken care of with the locks.

Burt

[Ready2Change]

So what should I do?

Work on YOU.

Should I ask him about using my computer while I was gone?

State what you want. "Please respect my things. If you need to use my computer, please ask first".

Sometimes I get so frustrated with this game

This is not a game. This is your life.

that I just ask myself it it's really worth it.

Only you can answer that. Making the changes in YOU for YOU is worth it.

I'm not happy, I'm trying to GAL and PMA, but deep down I'm miserable, I hurt so much.

The hurt is normal. Feel it. Let it out when you are alone. Vent it to us. DO NOT STUFF IT. Let the pain out will help get you to happy. List out things that make you happy. Then start doing them.

Everything about this summer is turning out completely opposite of what I was expecting.

Take things day by day. What do YOU have control over? Make new plans that you CAN control.

Why me? I'm a good woman

This is a wonderful opportunity for self reflection and personal growth if you take it

I know I had my issues, but I'm working on them.

Keep working on YOU. You will get to a good place...

Why can't he just see that he would never find someone like me again?

He is in the fog right now.

Someone who loved him and his son and was completely devoted to them. Maybe that was part of the problem, I was too attached to him and had a different idea of what "family" and "marriage" means.

A possibility

I still believe, in spite of everything that has happened, that there is hope for us.

Keep the faith. Never give up. Just let him fix him. YOU fix you. Get to happy without anyone. You are both on different timelines. You need to get to happy before him. You need to "Set him free" to find his happiness. That is why DETATCHING is so important. You need to be the on that is more detached. People want what they cant have.

I just started reading DR and I've been going dark, but is it healthy for me to have the expectation and hope that we will be back together after his 6 month lease is up? Or should I proceed with no expectations of us reconciling at all?

I have no intentions or expectations. I just work on being the best me I can. I practice with everyone. Practice makes it a habit. When I interact with W, I don't feed the fight.

I know that I will survive, but being in limbo with NC at all from H hurts me like I've never been hurt before. frown

Sorry you are hurting right now. Everything happens for a reason. HUGS