Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[CityGirl]

Well, here's the response that I got back from her this evening...in it's entirety!:

"If you're going to respond to my emails don't talk to me like I'm someone who
you do not know who you're doing a business transaction with..."

Again, its the classic example of a WAS wanting to be treated like a W but not acting like a W. Since she has chosen NOT to act like a W then she will be treated as such - she will be treated with the same courtesy and respect you would treat anybody else. WAS tend to think they can have it both ways and once they see they cant, they tend to lash out. She expected a fight with you and when you chose not to particpate she was thrown off her game and tried to reel you back in to the old dynamic. The WAS does not like when the dynamic is changed to something new, it confuses them.

I would let things cool off for a day or two and see if she reaches out to you. If not I might try one additional contact and be totally upbeat, ignore the jabs adn dication she is giving you and simply ask her in a very direct fashion if she has thought about any additional solutions that could be favorable to all involved. I am not 110% sure about this but you may find a way to ask her how you can better communicate to her and put the ball in her court to provide an answer. As we say, you are looking for solutions now and a big part of those solutions is NOT falling back to the old destructive dynamic you both used to share.






ps - Incidentally, I don't know her anymore, as she is like a different person than the one I have known all these years! She was also used to me being a mean prick and dictating how things were gonna be all these years...probably flips her out for me to be otherwise!

[/quote]

[antlers]

Well, here's the response that I got back from her this evening...in it's entirety!:

"If you're going to respond to my emails don't talk to me like I'm someone who
you do not know who you're doing a business transaction with..."

Again, its the classic example of a WAS wanting to be treated like a W but not acting like a W. Since she has chosen NOT to act like a W then she will be treated as such - she will be treated with the same courtesy and respect you would treat anybody else. WAS tend to think they can have it both ways and once they see they cant, they tend to lash out. She expected a fight with you and when you chose not to particpate she was thrown off her game and tried to reel you back in to the old dynamic. The WAS does not like when the dynamic is changed to something new, it confuses them.

I would let things cool off for a day or two and see if she reaches out to you. If not I might try one additional contact and be totally upbeat, ignore the jabs adn dication she is giving you and simply ask her in a very direct fashion if she has thought about any additional solutions that could be favorable to all involved. I am not 110% sure about this but you may find a way to ask her how you can better communicate to her and put the ball in her court to provide an answer. As we say, you are looking for solutions now and a big part of those solutions is NOT falling back to the old destructive dynamic you both used to share.


PS - Incidentally, I don't know her anymore, as she is like a different person than the one I have known all these years! She was also used to me being a mean prick and dictating how things were gonna be all these years...probably flips her out for me to be otherwise!

[/quote]

Hi CityGirl.

I'm not gonna fight or argue! I'm a lot different now than I used to be...in a good way! Thank you for helping me with responses so far!

Good advice. Don't know if she will reach out or not. Don't know whether or not I'll send another E-mail regarding this without hearing from her first...but I will ignore the jabs at any rate. Maybe will find a way to ask her about how I can better communicate with her...but, I've already asked her that during these E-mail exchanges. I am looking for solutions, and will not fall back to the old destructive dynamic that we used to have.

Thanks for your help with these issues CityGirl!

[CityGirl]

IMO that is the crux of the issue between the WAS and LBS. The WAS expects a certain kind of reaction from the LBS as that is how things always used to be. But now all of a sudden they arent getting it and they dont know how to operate in this new dynamic so they will do all they can do to try and pull you back in so they can operate with the LBS in a way that is familiar to them. Its unhealthy but sort of the natural way people respond... do what you know. And right now your W still sees you as somebody she cant communicate with (although, IMO, the communication issues seem to be about equal on her part).

The rude, bossy and dictative tone is not acceptable and there are ways to let her know it wont be tolerated without creating conflict or more ill feelings. This is where setting boundaries is key and setting boundaries is for YOU and YOUR growth, not for the WAS. And sure, the WAS will resist the boundaries for a while but tough, this period of growth is about you and your self improvement, not hers.

WAS are usually stunned that the LBS is now in "solution mode" as it is new to them. I would not feed into her jabs and keep on the path of finding solutions. IMO its important to offer solutions but be open and let her know that her input is appreciated and valued. But, it will only be appreciated and valued if she expresses it in a polite and respectful way.

Clearly you both have some work to do in the co-parenting department and sometimes it only takes on to get that ball rolling to change the dynamic. In this case that burden will fall on your shoulders but dont get off the path of finding solutions, validation, listening and offering compromise.

Its a big slap in the face when the WAS finally realizes they are no longer calling the shots with the LBS and they will fight that. So, let her fight it and you keep on your path to a better Antlers. Eventually you might see that the M you were fighting for isnt really what you want because you have grown to the point where her behavior is not appealing at all. Or, at the very least it will help with some detachement.

As soon as my H got the message loud and clear he would not dictate it all things changed. He can do what he needs and wants to do but it will no longer have any bearing on what *I* need to do.

As we all know we are free to make our own choices but what we do not have freedom from are the consequences those choices bring. The LBS learns that early on - for whatever reason the WAS is slow on the learning curve with that ideal.

You want to walk away. Fine. You want an affair. Fine. But to those actions there are consequences and one major consequence is signing your rights away to all the perks of marrige and partnership with the LBS and be treated as nothing more than a polite stranger.

[Strongerthanthis]

I still read and learn from this site.

This from citygirl is pure gold, simple and obvious but sometimes still needs pointing out

"You want to walk away. Fine. You want an affair. Fine. But to those actions there are consequences and one major consequence is signing your rights away to all the perks of marrige and partnership with the LBS and be treated as nothing more than a polite stranger."

Cheers
Charlie

[antlers]

CityGirl...she texted me earlier today (reached out, I guess) and said..."What days exactly were you gonna take the kids on vacation this month?"


I was at work, so almost an hour later I texted her back..."June 20th thru July 2nd."


So she texted me back afterwards with this..."Are you planning on being gone that entire time? I can't go that long without seeing the kids."


I have made plans for us to be gone that entire time! We have always taken big trips during the Summer. I've already made reservations. The kids had told me a couple of month's ago that they were gonna go to my wife's parents house for a couple of weeks this Summer, although my wife hasn't mentioned it to me, and I didn't have a problem with it if they did that. And I didn't think my wife would have a problem with the kids and I taking a big trip this Summer like all of us used to.

Could you guys and gals help me with a response to her last text please?

[CityGirl]

Well, in reality she "could" go that long without seeing the kids but she doesnt want to. Big difference.

Its like beating a dead horse - the WAS fails to realize that walking away from a marriage means walking away from being a "full time parent" and seeing their kids each day.

Your W is the one that chose to leave the family unit therefore she chose to not include herself in things like family vacations. Because she made that choice it certainly does not mean the family vacations wont continue, they simply will no longer include her. Again, something the WAS doesnt seem to realize and once they do they pitch a fit and whine they cant go that long w/o their kids. Well, sweetie, that is what divorce is and those sorts of thoughts should have been carefully thought out when she made the decision to walk away. She cant get both and now she is pissed because her fantasty of having it all is being crushed right in front of her face. What she doesnt realize though is *she* is the one crushing it, not you. You and your kids are still a family, she is the one that chose to remove herself from that unit. Why would you and your kids proceed any different to accommodate her choices? If a summer vacation is what the family does then do it - it was her choice not to be a part of the family so what she "cant" do verses what she doesnt "want" to do really isnt your problem now is it?

I have to run to the dentist right now but will check back later. As I have learned, not every message requires an immediate response so sit on this for a while until you can formulate something that will further open the lines of communication and solutions rather than shut them down.

[antlers]

OK. I appreciate your help so far. I'll sit on it for a little while until I/we can formulate something that will further open the lines of communication and solutions rather than shut them down.

I hope you'll come back to help...and I would appreciate help from others too in formulating a good response!

[CityGirl]

CityGirl...she texted me earlier today (reached out, I guess) and said..."What days exactly were you gonna take the kids on vacation this month?"

I was at work, so almost an hour later I texted her back..."June 20th thru July 2nd."

So she texted me back afterwards with this..."Are you planning on being gone that entire time? I can't go that long without seeing the kids."

Okay - I was thinking about this while in the chair at the dentist and IMO the best way to handle this is to offer her some valdiation about her feelings about not being able to see the kids for that long while still making it clear you have no intentions of changing your plans at the 11th hour.

This may need some collaborative editing but I might say something like this:

Hi Wife...

Yes, the girls and I do plan to be gone for the entire time as our reservations have been made. I certainly can understand and relate to your feelings of how much of an adjustement it will be for you not to see them for xx amount of days. Family vacations have always been such a big part of our summer so I am glad I am able to keep that tradition alive for the kids and me. Would it be helpful to you if we made it so you could see the girls while we are away? Web cams (skype... something like that) are easy to use and would give you the opportunity to talk to them "in person" each day. Of course, there is always e-mail, cell phones and texting whenever you want to say hello! I am open to other suggestions but I do feel its best to proceed with the plans I made some time ago. Thanks! Antlers

IMO that validates her feelings of being upset she wont see her girls for a while but also lets her know that you plan to keep the family unit and family traditions in tact with or without her. And, you are giving her options (skype, webcams) to be involved without her having to actually be involved passed her comfort level with you.

I have made plans for us to be gone that entire time! We have always taken big trips during the Summer. I've already made reservations. The kids had told me a couple of month's ago that they were gonna go to my wife's parents house for a couple of weeks this Summer, although my wife hasn't mentioned it to me, and I didn't have a problem with it if they did that. And I didn't think my wife would have a problem with the kids and I taking a big trip this Summer like all of us used to.

See this is an issue you will have to work out with your W and the sooner you can do it the better off you both will be as co-parents. Your kids should not be the ones telling you about the summer plans your W has made for them. And you should not be relying solely on e-mail to share your plans w/the kids with your W. I realize this is a new thing for the both of you (co-parenting) but there are other solutions... online family calenders, monthly in person meetings to discuss the children and plans and many other ways to avoid this sort of thing.

You might find that once your communication improves with your W in the area of co-parenting it might improve in other areas. Of course, you will have to carry the burden of doing most of the work for a good long while but in the long run, even if you do divorce, it will be best for your kids.

[antlers]

CityGirl...she texted me earlier today (reached out, I guess) and said..."What days exactly were you gonna take the kids on vacation this month?"


I was at work, so almost an hour later I texted her back..."June 20th thru July 2nd."


So she texted me back afterwards with this..."Are you planning on being gone that entire time? I can't go that long without seeing the kids."


I have made plans for us to be gone that entire time! We have always taken big trips during the Summer. I've already made reservations. The kids had told me a couple of month's ago that they were gonna go to my wife's parents house for a couple of weeks this Summer, although my wife hasn't mentioned it to me, and I didn't have a problem with it if they did that. And I didn't think my wife would have a problem with the kids and I taking a big trip this Summer like all of us used to.

Could you guys and gals help me with a response to her last text please?

I need to let her know that, yeah, we were planning on being gone that entire time. But I want to do it in a way that will further open the lines of communication and solutions rather than shut them down. I want to do it in a way that will show her that I have value, respect, and compassion for her...as well as for myself!

Any help you folks could give me in formulating a response would be greatly appreciated!

[CityGirl]

I think we posted at the same time - see my response above.