WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

I've been spending a lot of time mulling the play along nice loving approach that I think I've been using. In the past 5 months since she dropped the bomb that she filed (just 1 week after she said she had seen a lawyer to file bomb), I've been trying to convince her that I am trying to understand better to be the loving husband I want to be (my 180).

Just 1 week ago, she said the same thing as she said 5 months ago.

Not sure how much clearer it can be that its not working. Perhaps it was too many backslides or that she hasn't been convinced it's real/lasting, or she just doesn't want to see/believe in anything that could cast doubt in her decision. It doesn't matter, she still hasn't changed her mind. She's moved out for 7+ weeks now.

I've tried Dark/Dim (often backsliding into nice guy) and shifted into friendly but its still not making a difference

My biggest fear of shifting away from my approach is that it will "validate" in her mind that she was right that it wouldn't last.

Any suggestions on how to mitigate that?

I'm involved in a session this week at work to talk about what makes people change. Typically the first step is pain (significant emotional event), followed by despair the discovery that constructive change is possible

Right now she is in the last step, that a divorce is the constructive change (where I'm in despair) I need to pull her back into a signifcant emotional event.

I had tried to do that to show her that I can be a loving husband. In hopes of making her remember our dream of happily ever after to want it again. She still doesn't want it right now

Maybe its a fear/trust thing or whatever. Since she's been doing so many non-typical WAW things, I thought there was hope that she was still looking for hope as well. I don't know why she's doing what she's doing, but I guess that's not the point

All I know, which is what many here have told me, I can't continue to do what I'm doing.

I have to dance around the child support hearing coming up but I need to change what I'm doing to create a severe emotional event for her.

So I think I've "reasoned" my way to changing my approach. Now I need to process all the input from here to get to what it will look like.