Being an verbal / non-verbal abuser

[iwantittowork]

Last year my W found this book and read it, and then gave it to me to read:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship

It was clear after I read it, that I had done a lot of the behaviors in the book, and her realization was the impetus behind our counseling and now our impending D.

I took, and still take, the responsibility for those actions and the hurt I caused, and for a long while I have been grieving for hurting the person I love the most, so much.

It's been the underlying reason I have almost given up everything so she can move on, at whatever cost to me. I almost left our home to make amends for it, I am DB'ing, but realize that I can't keep her in the relationship if she doesn't want to stay. I am in counseling on my own to make changes to myself, so I can hopefully move past these issues.

Does anyone else here have experience with this? Have you been able to change your behaviors? I have been looking back through our R, and it seems at times my behaviors were also responses to her behaviors, and while I am not condoning them, I am trying to come to understand them.

I feel I am fully at fault for our R breakdown after reading this book and then going to 8 months of M counseling and not being successful. I am trying hard to not fall into the same patterns, but when my W and I are not on the same page, she says I am just falling back into them no matter what I say.

Can acknowledgment of me having some of these behaviors be used against me in D proceedings?

I am really tied up in knots about this, and how it will affect my D, my soon to be ex, and my future. I hope that some people on this board can offer me some guidance and insights to this and these issues. I have never thought of myself as a bad person, until I read this book and realized the things that I had done.