Fire's burning out...just smoldering

[blindsided1]

I'm okay. I haven't been having the best few days. I feel a bit depressed. I have been having some really confusing dreams about H. One minute, we are together and happy. The next minute, he is with OW and treating me like crap. I am pretty unhappy right now. He dropped K off early on Saturday. An hour and a half early. Whatever. Again, he asks about having sex. I feel so disrespected by him. I can hardly stand it. What does he think? That I'm just going to jump all over that. "Oh, H, you are so irresistable, I gotta have me a piece of that." I don't think so.
So, later that night, he calls me. He asks me what my plans for K are on Friday. I tell him that it's my birthday and I want her with me. He says that he knows it's my birthday, but can he borrow her for an hour and then bring her to the restaurant where we are having dinner. I tell that's fine. Then about an hour later, he texts me asking if he can have her for a couple hours on Tuesday, too. I said that was fine, she likes to spend time with you...blah blah blah. He says if he takes her Tues he doesn't need her on Friday. I don't ask him why he wants her. I don't think I want to know. But, then my mind goes crazy, speculating. The sad thing is, at first, I thought it was a ploy to get to see me on my birthday. Funny, how full of myself am I? Like he would ever do anything nice for me or even wish me a Happy Birthday. These thoughts lead into a pity party. It made me think about how he didn't even wish me a Happy Mother's Day or anything. He didn't wish me a Merry Xmas. I just HATE him for being so uncaring and unfeeling.

Then if I didn't punish myself enough...I go and look at his FB page. And, OW is on there constantly talking about how he cooks dinner for her and brings it to her work all the time. How MY H is the best and she is blessed and spoiled.

He NEVER took care of me. He very rarely did ANYTHING for me. Maybe in the beginning, he bent over backwards. But, it didn't take him long to just stop caring about me. So, what makes her so F'ing special? It hurt to see him playing Mr. Mom and cookiing and taking care of the kids and cleaning house. He never lifted a finger when we were together. So, wonderful. They're perfect for each other and they are so very happy. They have their happy family, happy life and are so in love. Where is the fairness in all of that? I guess, the fact that he is constantly trying to cheat on her, is something.

I don't know. He is still taking care of her and her kids and not taking care of his wife and daughter.

I hate him. Some days (like today) I wish he would just disappear. I sometimes feel like he is the worst thing that ever happened to me...except I got the best thing that ever happened to me...K. So, I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that maybe that's what he was put into my life for. That was his purpose, he did it and now he is gone. But, why did the way he left have to be so bad? I'm a good person. I have a good heart. I forgive and try to be good to everyone. Why do I get sh!t on?

I hate today.