You keep saying you "have to figure yourself out". Thus far drinking, escaping to Florida, this site, books, church and medication has not given you even the slightest clue on figuring out who you are and what is stopping you from learning to flourish on your own. You do NOT have the skillset (yet) to figure yourself out which is why we have said 8 bazillion times that it is necessary to see a counselor.
Lets say I had to take a chemistry class (which by the way I failed miserably at in high school). But for whatever reason at this point in my life it was mandatory I take a chemistry class. I could attend the class, listen to the lectures, read the books and pay attention but chances are, because of the way my brain works (I have a terribly "non science" brain)) I would *need* help to figure it out. So, I would see a tutor (10 tutors if necessary). In your case, the "tutor" is a counselor. Because no matter how hard you try sometimes we just cant get something without the help of a trained pro.
My sister is a registered nurse and she is also a certified med tech and works in a stat lab at a major hospital. The test she performs on blood and tissue samples are usually life and death situations. She is a smart cookie. But I sure as hell would not want her to perform brain surgery on me because she does not have those skills. See what I am saying? Sometimes you can only take yourself so far before you need somebody else to step in. She is aware of her limits as a medical provider and would not be foolish enough to try and "figure it out" on her own in a life or death situation. And you my friend, IMO, are in a life or death situation.
What if I posted here that as of tomorrow I have decided to stop taking my lupus meds and I will just figure it out on my own. I will just "wait and see" about what would happen to my kidneys, lungs and heart. I would imagine that people would tell me I am crazy. Your "disease", while different than mine, is still equally as pressing for treatment.
I have asked you now FOUR times to provide a detailed list/action plan of ways for you to find affordable or free counseling along with a timeline of when this will be done by and so far you have opted not to particpate. That speaks volumes. I think you like being unhappy because sometimes, at least from the get go, being happy takes work.
Lastly, you keep saying "I cant win with my W". Lose that mentality. This is not about winning or who can "one up the other". This is about fiding workable solutions as co parents. If ya'll cant do that on your own then you both need to get yourself to a class to obtain those tools.
