I don't know if I am the only crazy person that this might work for, but I decided to make a list of everything that brings joy to my life currently. I'm not perfect, btw, I certainly have my days that I do not subscribe to this theory & throw pity parties!
Then I decide to do things from the list. I decide that the end result should not be the only thing to bring joy, but I will be joyful WHILE I do the task. For instance, having a clean & orderly house makes me happy. As I am folding clothes, I think about how happy I will be once I get this housework taken care of. I hum songs & watch uplifting shows.
The kids are hard too, but I have decided to use this time as an opportunity for all of us. I make dinner every night. I plan ahead & go to the store once a week to have everything readily available. I also make a cake or brownies once a week so we can have dessert together - to extend family time. I go to the library every other week & pick out LOTS of books to read with my kids every night. I have been teaching them The Lord's Prayer. I pick one night per week per kid to spend "laying" with my kids after the story. I have realized that life is fleeting. I want to ENJOY my kids. I want to ENJOY them NOW. We lay in bed & talk. I ask them things about themselves bc I want to KNOW my kids. I ask them about their fears, I ask them what was their favorite vacation, what's their favorite food, who are they friends w/at school & why. I never did this before, I was too busy trying to get them to go to sleep so I could have my own time.
And no, I am not a SAHM - I work my own hours so I can do this stuff.
How did phone call w/said friend go?
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Well, last night went fine I guess, W didn`t get home till almost midnight I kept wondering where she was and getting slightly annoyed until I realized that it just isn`t my place to get annoyed anymore. That seemed to bring me some relief.
When she did get home we discussed her visit with our friends for awhile which led us into a conversation-arguement that lasted for the next two hours. Nothing too heated we just do not know how to have a constructive conversation-arguement, we just end up trying to get each other to see the others side.
But through all of this one thing is very clear and she made it that way last night, the vast majority of her feelings, issues and problems are due to the fact that I caused them.She is taking little or no responsibility for any of this!
Sometimes I just think it would be so much easier and possible better to just start over with someone else, someone who would love me without all of these conditions, and truly accept me for who I am.
There are many things about my wife that are not the most flattering, or endearing things to her personality, things that I identified within the first 8 mos or so of dating,but I accepted them eventually and loved her just the same.
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Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09
I think those same thoughts about starting over. My kids & memories keep me from acting on them!
R talk is bad! If you do R talk, never fight about your side. Only say such things as I'm sorry you feel that way, I wish things could have been different, I didn't always make the best choices. Then they feel like they are being HEARD. I know it sucks, but H & I have been going to MC for 4+ months now. I would always talk about my side of the story. Finally in our last session, I started taking the advice I just gave you...and the tone of MC WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
She is taking little or no responsibility. Ah...they will do this...this is when you address all of their issues with you & do 180s! Strip away all of their complaints one by one. It will take awhile for them to acknowledge the changes, but eventually they will have no choice. Once all of their complaints are gone, they are forced to either walk or look in the mirror. Hopefully they will look in the mirror. I think this is where H is right now w/me. Notice my bomb date below, only 2 weeks ago, did he say he accepted 50% of the blame. I have been DBing my butt off!
If they walk, you did EVERYTHING possible.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Hopeful: I know what you're saying, I'm trying so hard to do the 180 thing, but at 42 it just seems so hard to make the lasting changes, I seem to revert back to the old behaviors easily.
Now I'm just making excuses, I know I can do this, I just hope that it won't be too late. I'm a fixer, at home, at work, I fix things and I've always been an excellent problem solver, very good at thinking outside of the box, and I know damn well I will fix this too...eventually.
Also, my bomb date was feb not too far off of your jan, and it seems like she was more willing to accept blame 6 weeks ago than she is today,WTF? It seems like whenever she retells the story she relives it and places more blame on me.
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Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09
you are funny that you cannot change at 42!!! She was not willing to accept blame today because she is not feeling HEARD.
You said yourself that you were each trying to make each other see your side. My H did the same thing - when he first dropped the bomb, he was remorseful. Then as time went on, he justified & rationalized his behavior. This made me angry so I would justify MY side of things which led to MORE ANGER on his part.
I'm telling you, validate your wife, let her know she has been HEARD. Do not argue with her. Just think about a time when you were mad at someone & felt you had every right to be mad. If they were to give you "excuses" (which is what your wife thinks you are making), you would only get more defensive. Now if that person said - I see your point, I'm sorry you feel this way. You can let your guard down & relax.
It's not natural to do this, but it will help your sitch.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Usually, once the "bomb" is delivered, there is a sense of relief.
They usually let loose for quite a time until they start to realize that the green grass is really just better fertilized with a massive amount of BS..
It will take some time, so use that time to your advantage for now.....
Hopeful:I feel like I am moving onto that place where I can forgive what she is doing and even trust this decision she has made. As I said on some one elses thread here I told my W last night that I am putting my trust in her on this issue.
Throughout our M she has almost always had excellent instinct when it comes to matters of health and heart, and I have many times questioned her judgment only to be proven wrong. So there you have it it's in her hands, and I've reassured her today again that I trust her with this. Her response: "That makes me feel very good."
And yes Mach, changes are for me ultimately because heaven forbid this be the end, I do not , and will not be the man I once was.
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Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09
Mach: 1.When I stated everything, I'm speaking about my family, that is everything to me.
2.Gonna lose myself too? No, do you think that because I have put faith and trust in my wife's decision I am giving up on myself?
I don't know ? YOU are the one that said everything, I would conclude that everything includes..... you.
3.Two hour guilt filled conversation is due to the fact that I'm human and I do fall back.
No, a fallback is a few lines that make you feel better to say and she feels pressure from you. A two hour conversation, which you admit was an..exhaustive argutalk . At some point in two hours, I would think that you would recognize what that was.
4.kiss her a$$, Yeah I don't think so,it sounds to me like you're doing quite a bit of assuming here, and actually she was right much of the time.
Am I assuming here?
5.Fighting, I'm not fighting anything right now,
Once again, YOU said "perhaps she was the one who was right in all of this and I should just quit fighting it" I'm not really making what you said up....One has to be fighting something in order to suggest they stop.
at this moment I feel good about this decision for the first time in a long time I actually feel focused, and as far as rereading the books go, you can read all you want but the real common denominator here is common sense, respect love and kindness, the books are great reminders for all these things, but the real power is in applying them.
And you applied them with a two hour ...exhaustive argutalk ?
BTW Mach, you sound a little chippy today, are you getting enough sleep?
Chippy....Hmm. No, I'm not chippy......yet.
Sleep ? I'll sleep when I'm dead, I sleep just enough to let the coffee rest.
Look LG.....This path is hard enough to walk without all of this....
I'm really NOT coming down on you. Everything you said is great. And I do not know your situation any better than you know mine. I don't live your life.
All I'm saying is that we can ALL do better than we have in the past.
And if we collectively cannot admit that we have made mistakes, and use that to grow, then we are what we have been accused of.
I CHOOSE to read everything I can about this path we are ALL on, so that I can be informed enough to know the difference, cause my old way sure didn't work......
Yours ?
For the record ? I think you are handling things well. This takes time to heal these wounds which run deep enough for them to want to be anywhere else but with their family.
I'm not really tryin to pi$$ you off , I'm just tryin to get you to a better place with you.
Look, One thing I have learned in all of this is....If someone tells you something and it stings a little, gives you that burn going up your spine...That is usually a clue that there is truth to what they are saying. Some people can take that and use it for growth and knowledge. Some people don't have the fortitude to look within themselves, so they turn away from the statement cause it couldn't possibly be true.
Hello, all I will post an update soon however, I was just in need of some advice. My wife went out for dinner with a female friend, left at 4 pm and it's now closing in on 9pm, just curious here and quite sure I already know the answer. When she comes home I'd really like to ask her why she couldn't phone at some point to say she'd be late, would this not be consideration seeings how we still live under the same roof?
Tell me something, do all the rules just fly out the friggin door when we are in DB mode?
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Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09
Where to start, haven't posted in a few days, been busy at work. On days off now seven days to be exact. I've had a few vodkas so I may ramble a bit, my apoligizies , sorry can't even spell.
Well I have had three good days in a row ...Woo Haa. Ever since I relinquished control of the whole scenario things have been good, really good.
My W came to bed a couple of nights ago and I looked at her and said "Hey, why don"t you take off all your clothes and we'll do that thing where we both feel really good?"
She started to laugh and said,"Oh, need to get a little relief do you?"
Then she said, "I don't know maybe we could, what do you think?"
So then I finally said "Just get in the bed and let's do this!"
So yeah' that was fun, the humor thing has always worked well with us and we haven't seemed to lose it yet.
Also being a little bit assertive seemed to help too!
K gotta go W is presently coming down the driveway.
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Me 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09
