Why not?

[AJM]

Still, my honest to goodness assessment of this R is that it works if and only if I am truly ok with H doing whatever he wants whenever he wants. I recognize this not to judge him but to honor myself more and know that even if I am "perfect" it may not bring this sitch to the point I would optimally hope for. It is that realization that gives me my breath back, really.

Ok. I can buy that. I think what you may want to consider is that this is the OLD relationship and how it USED to work.. What I'm saying is that you have been handed an opportunity. A golden opportunity to make your life the way you want it to be and to make your marriage one that you truly cherish. As I recall, neither of you were happy in the marriage for a while. Change is what was needed and you both put it off for a while. Now that it is here, embrace it. See it for what it really is - an opportunity.

The surrender was a moment, certainly not consistent.

Still, it is the right thing to do. Meditate on that a little if you are so inclined to meditate. I think you'll see some value in recognizing surrender to those things you cannot control or cannot change.

I don't hate him right now actually. I love him. I do not have the hostile feelings I've had before. I feel a bit sad and nervous but otherwise, I feel a degree of separateness that is startling and more peaceful at once.

Yep. I know what you mean. I also know that you may be missing some of the perspective of his viewpoint. I say that because I struggle with that as well and while I may be projecting my own difficulty in recognizing other perspectives, my instinct tells me you may not see how painful and chaotic this might be for him as well. Not that you should, but that it is there. You need to focus on you, because you cannot change him. Because you need to become whole. Because you need to grow. Because he is the only one that can change him. Because....you deserve to change you to become the woman you meant to be. You cannot love another or be loved, until you love yourself. You won't be able to do that until you can see yourself as whole and loving and complete.
Work on you.

I have a tough time focusing on me, so, I'm doing it in baby steps. Just knock things off my list.

Hey, we all have challenges, right? At least you can identify yours.

Don't get me wrong - I struggle with many of the same issues you describe. I really do. But I recognize where the issues are and what needs to be worked on. As an old friend once told me, "there's only one way to eat an elephant - one small bite at a time."

Keep up the good work. You are doing very well and really making a great deal of progress. Really. It shows. Not that it will be perfect or consistently easy, but you really are doing well and deserve to pat yourself on the back. Right before you get back to working on you


AJ