Nicole- Actually, I'm surprised. I've been sleeping. That knot in my stomach has diminished. I am not feeling half the anxiety I have in the past when he returned.
Yes, I am picking him up with the kids...I'm leaning 90/10 that this is a bad DB move and I'm going to have to refuse next time. There is still definitely a part of me that is thinking, "he will see his beautiful wife and kids and come back to the house and never want to leave again." I am owning that. I have been playing mental volleyball between going dark and being "friends." I end up in some kind of middle and I'm thinking that is not going to give me the kind of fortitude I need to stay strong.
Today I composed a letter to H-
Dear H,
You have shown me and our boys time and time again that the most important thing to you is your personal gratification, your ego and your experience.
Your boys will ALWAYS know that you love them and I will help to make sure of that. But, they will have to learn how to be noble men some other way.
I am filing for divorce. I love you. Wish you weren't so insecure that you need to do this much damage just to prove to yourself, me, the boys and everyone else that you are "somebody". But, at least you are master of your own destiny.
I wish you peace and love and let's just keep it amicable.
I am vacillating between filing for D or running off into the sunset together. LOL. At least I know how ridiculous it is. I'll tell you, feels good to write the damn letters and save them just in case...
I think you and I live in relatively close proximity but connecting is tough because of the "rules." I'm not sure how others have done it.
The journal really creeped me out. But, given a little more thought, it was written for him to share with his class so I'm sure it was censored and tailored to fit his image. I went through some old emails that were actually more revelatory, including ones from 2 years ago when we were at just about the same point as we were right before this separation. See, the issues from 6 years ago just permeated the whole relationship. He had come back but he didn't have those "tools" and neither did I.
I finally bought Marianne Williamson's "The Gift of Change," per 25's suggestion. Funny, I read it years ago, always love reading that kind of stuff. I have been on this path for a long time. My R was really holding me back, truth be told. And, that does NOT mean that I think I should give up or we shouldn't try to work it out. It just means that I need to be able to be me and take care of me in or out of R.
I will definitely keep you posted. Isn't it always nice to see that someone has posted on your thread??? It's like a little mini-Christmas every time.
I'm looking forward to seeing what's up with you on your thread...
You sound so grounded and mature. And you are also being very honest with yourself. Wow! I hope you do well today when you see H. I'm sending all kinds of good, strong energy your way.
The crazy train? Surrendered? I'd say you haven't fully surrendered just yet.
I agree you are making some progress and "starting" to focus more on you. Keep focusing on you. Be careful not to be jaded or to start hating him so that you don't feel down. Feel all your emotions, AK. Don't let this opportunity pass you by. You have an awesome opportunity that life handed you. Don't short-circuit it to avoid the pain or to avoid the feelings. Go through each of them and revel in them. I would say that last time you and H went through tough times, you didn't take the time to go through all of the emotions, understandably so. Don't miss the opportunity to grow and learn to really live this time around. You may not get this chance again Meantime, take each moment as it comes; surf girl. You need to stop looking to the future and trying to anticipate his actions or mood or your reactions. Hard as that is to do it's worth the struggle. Part of the way to do it is to focus on you. Focus on the boys. Be the person you meant to be all along. It sounds like you are awakening to that very concept and are just hesitant to step into the unknown. In part because of the pain H is contributing to.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ- I was just about to add to my thread that I am a bit nervous (which is obvious anyway).
And, I also recognized when my brain started to go into "when h does x, I'll do y" mode and I already had the realization last week that it is time for me to be less self-conscious and start living in the moment. I just have to catch myself.
Still, my honest to goodness assessment of this R is that it works if and only if I am truly ok with H doing whatever he wants whenever he wants. I recognize this not to judge him but to honor myself more and know that even if I am "perfect" it may not bring this sitch to the point I would optimally hope for. It is that realization that gives me my breath back, really.
The surrender was a moment, certainly not consistent.
I don't hate him right now actually. I love him. I do not have the hostile feelings I've had before. I feel a bit sad and nervous but otherwise, I feel a degree of separateness that is startling and more peaceful at once.
I have a tough time focusing on me, so, I'm doing it in baby steps. Just knock things off my list.
Still, my honest to goodness assessment of this R is that it works if and only if I am truly ok with H doing whatever he wants whenever he wants. I recognize this not to judge him but to honor myself more and know that even if I am "perfect" it may not bring this sitch to the point I would optimally hope for. It is that realization that gives me my breath back, really.
Wow! That's a real eye opener for you! If that's really the case, then you have some decisions to make.
That may really help you to drop the rope.
You are doing a great job really looking inward. Keep it up! (Keep Thinking... )
Last edited by Thinker; 06/08/0903:02 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Still, my honest to goodness assessment of this R is that it works if and only if I am truly ok with H doing whatever he wants whenever he wants. I recognize this not to judge him but to honor myself more and know that even if I am "perfect" it may not bring this sitch to the point I would optimally hope for. It is that realization that gives me my breath back, really.
Ok. I can buy that. I think what you may want to consider is that this is the OLD relationship and how it USED to work.. What I'm saying is that you have been handed an opportunity. A golden opportunity to make your life the way you want it to be and to make your marriage one that you truly cherish. As I recall, neither of you were happy in the marriage for a while. Change is what was needed and you both put it off for a while. Now that it is here, embrace it. See it for what it really is - an opportunity.
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The surrender was a moment, certainly not consistent.
Still, it is the right thing to do. Meditate on that a little if you are so inclined to meditate. I think you'll see some value in recognizing surrender to those things you cannot control or cannot change.
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I don't hate him right now actually. I love him. I do not have the hostile feelings I've had before. I feel a bit sad and nervous but otherwise, I feel a degree of separateness that is startling and more peaceful at once.
Yep. I know what you mean. I also know that you may be missing some of the perspective of his viewpoint. I say that because I struggle with that as well and while I may be projecting my own difficulty in recognizing other perspectives, my instinct tells me you may not see how painful and chaotic this might be for him as well. Not that you should, but that it is there. You need to focus on you, because you cannot change him. Because you need to become whole. Because you need to grow. Because he is the only one that can change him. Because....you deserve to change you to become the woman you meant to be. You cannot love another or be loved, until you love yourself. You won't be able to do that until you can see yourself as whole and loving and complete. Work on you.
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I have a tough time focusing on me, so, I'm doing it in baby steps. Just knock things off my list.
Hey, we all have challenges, right? At least you can identify yours.
Don't get me wrong - I struggle with many of the same issues you describe. I really do. But I recognize where the issues are and what needs to be worked on. As an old friend once told me, "there's only one way to eat an elephant - one small bite at a time."
Keep up the good work. You are doing very well and really making a great deal of progress. Really. It shows. Not that it will be perfect or consistently easy, but you really are doing well and deserve to pat yourself on the back. Right before you get back to working on you
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
A golden opportunity to make your life the way you want it to be and to make your marriage one that you truly cherish.
I really think I have to give up on the marriage part. Maybe that will be the outcome or maybe not but the only way I can love myself and H for that matter is to accept that we may evolve into something else...
I don't have the quotes offhand but they're here somewhere or on SP's thread...about accepting that you're already dead. Even if it is my own little mindf*ck, it is where I need to be. H and I are on our own paths; I hope the M works out. I am up for it but, I just can't harass myself mentally about it or him.
Looking back at our old emails. I wanted a marriage, he wanted to feel that his mere physical presence was enough. That is not marriage for me.
I'm open to the possibilities. I'm here. We are here. Nothing has been deconstructed (finances, living arrangements).
I am being me, a very thoughtful, mellow, pleasant, exercising, working, organizing, loving me...he can do what he wants.
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