AJ- I was just about to add to my thread that I am a bit nervous (which is obvious anyway).
And, I also recognized when my brain started to go into "when h does x, I'll do y" mode and I already had the realization last week that it is time for me to be less self-conscious and start living in the moment. I just have to catch myself.
Still, my honest to goodness assessment of this R is that it works if and only if I am truly ok with H doing whatever he wants whenever he wants. I recognize this not to judge him but to honor myself more and know that even if I am "perfect" it may not bring this sitch to the point I would optimally hope for. It is that realization that gives me my breath back, really.
The surrender was a moment, certainly not consistent.
I don't hate him right now actually. I love him. I do not have the hostile feelings I've had before. I feel a bit sad and nervous but otherwise, I feel a degree of separateness that is startling and more peaceful at once.
I have a tough time focusing on me, so, I'm doing it in baby steps. Just knock things off my list.
