Agh! He's detached completely!

[aliveandkicking]

Most of the time they don't want to get better anyway. That would take away their excuses to behave badly.

oh my, that is enlightening. thank you!

[Kimmie Lee]

oh my, you're welcome!

[sophia]

Hi,

I've been reading your post and we have a lot in common. My H and I have been married only 9 months, and he moved out 3 weeks ago after a big fight. He had been unhappy for awhile, and of course he says it's all my fault. We have no kids together, even though we had been trying up until the bomb. He hasn't filed, but being in limbo-land is so difficult. It's like being in purgartory, the LBS spouse has no control over the situation whatsoever. We only have control over ourselves. You are not alone in your suffering. Know that this board is full of people who will support you and help you through this.

I don't know how long you have been doing the DB, and I'm not one to be giving advice, but I think you need to do some extreme LRT, like going completely dark. Be cheerful, upbeat and busy when you do see him but don't spend a lot of time around him. I know you're still in the same house, but be going out a lot. Be mysterious to him. Project happiness. Let him see that you're life is going to move forward with or without him. Continue going to MC, but don't ask him to go anymore. This is about your wellbeing right now. You are responsible for your survival because right now he has chosen to D you for the time being. So you have to hold yourself up with dignity and class. Show him that you are a woman only a fool would leave.

You're plenty young to still have a baby. I'm 40 and still want one. I tell myself that even if I end up divorced, I am still a good catch for any decent and good man. And I can still adopt.

Our WAH are going though their own complicated journeys. This is our time to step back and let them take that journey alone. We love them, so we need to let them go. If they decide to come back after their journey, we will know it was because they wanted to be with us and not because they felt pressured from us to stay together. Wouldn't you rather know that your H came back because he decided on his OWN that he didn't want to give you up?

Take it one day at a time. That's what I have to do. I cry, I get lonely, I obsess, but I also force myself to GAL and I tell myself that I will get through this. It's the hardest think I've ever had to do. But I have no choice, I can't control his life.

Immediately stop the talk about the R and D! Neither of you are in the right frame of mind to be discussing that now. And don't tell him who he can or can't hang out with on the weekends. He feels like he's being controlled when you do that.

He tells you that he loves you, and that's a positive sign. Before I was DBing, I asked my H if he still loved me, and he said he wasn't sure.

Remember, right now he is choosing not to be with you. So this is your opportunity to show him that you going to be just fine without him. You are a strong woman and you will survive with or without him!

Me 40
WAH 43
T 4 years
M 91/2 months
sep. 3 weeks
stepson 9

[Done in VA]

I just wanted to jump on and say that NOT all are having affairs. It really makes me angry when people just assume that is the case.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Kimmie Lee- Thanks for your message.

I agree with you that I should "go dark". My face is an open book so I have to keep that face and the body along with it in constant motion coming or going to something, your're right on that count.

As far as the assets go, heck yes, I am getting my fair share of em...just because I love him doesn't mean I'm going to allow him to walk all over me. Thanks for bringing that part up though, because it's easy to ignore those cold hard facts when you are feeling so many strong emotions about this major life change.

He is not having an affair. I'm pretty sure of it. He's always been more the "female type" as far as not wanting intimacy if we aren't altogether in a good place. I'm more "the man" in that I have a stronger sex drive and I view it not only as something to do when we are in a good place that feels great, but something we can do to stay connected and together.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Montana- Thanks for your compassion and for sharing your story. It does sound like we have a lot in common, unfortunatley.

As I said to Kimmie Lee, I agree with you both that I need to use EXTREME LRT and "black out" for a bit. I've been doing this more and more lately and it's starting to feel normal. I've been forcing myself to go out to anything and everything, from guided tours of the main public library (goregous) to talks about health care, to events hosted by the local meetup.com group for women my age, just to get out and about. Both of your posts certainly reinforce that I need to keep doing this more and more.

While I would like a child, my anxiety about it has gone down ever since I discussed it with my brother, a scientist. They tried the "natural way" for a year with no results...but then started charting her waking oral temperature and within a month, they concieved. Now, my first nephew ever is going to be born September 10th! After hearing this, and wanting to see if my body was doing what is supposed to be doing (ovulating) I found the free website fertility friend . com (no spaces) and started learning more about the whole process in much more depth. Now I am relieved to know, with 3 months worth of data thus far, that my body is working A-OK and I should be able to concieve when I want. I just had planned that it would be with my husband because he would make an excellent father, and of course, I love him. FF has free mini classes that only take a few minutes for a few days to view so you learn the basics (far more than I'd ever thought about before), then you grab a digital thermometer or a basal one (just has 1 more decimal place than a digital one), put it by your bedside, and set an alarm for the same time every morning. First thing, take your temp and write it down on a calendar. I enter the #'s in once a week now, but used to do it every day cause it was cool to see the patterns emerging!

Ok, sorry for the rambling, but I'm obviously a big fan of that website, and it's really eased my own concerns about this big unknown of conception in the future, so I thought I'd share it.

I'm sorry, I don't know what the R & D is that I'm supposed to be stopping: Raging and Drama? Yes, if that's it then I agree wholeheartedly.

He refuses to go to any more therapy sessions, although I'd love to go with him. Our MC has kind of fired us, sending me off with a hug, and offering to help if I call, but that's it. I think she figures that he's so checked out nothing will get through to him now. Another reason I need to stop raging and the anger, so his threat level can go down. Plus, I scare myself when I get that mad. I'd much rather work it out on the exercise machines than fight with my H.

So, in summary, I'm going to do what I can do, which is continue to GAL and "black out" with him because of all the interesting things I'm doing, and appear happy and relaxed in his presence, even if we don't exchange words.

He doens't actively say he loves me to my face, but he's said it repeatedly in our MC sessions, so I know he still feels that way about me, and I him.

Montana, I'm sorry to hear that you too are suffering through this hard time. your kind message made me feel less alone, and for that I'm always going to feel grateful. Plus, it's always good to remind oneself of being a strong women, especailly when we LBS' can feel so otherwise powerless at times. Take care, and keep in touch!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Hopeful in VA: Thanks for giving me the support on this, becasue it's not an easy or popular one to hold. If I were seeing ANY warning signs of him going out with anyone (dating, specifically), I would hold other views, but I really don't feel that I have. Yes, he's been going out, and although the issue has been tabled long ago about the Fri/Sat going out with single women friends without me, I know he's not doing something like that right now.

When we first started dating, I was dating him and 2 other guys, he just assumed that we were exclusive after 3 or so dates and wasn't dating anyone. After 2 months, I decided that I wanted to take it to the next level with him because it was going so well, and let him know that I would stop seeing other people, much to his surprise, because he had stopped weeks before. He is a one woman man, and far too emotionally invested in the sex than anyone I've ever been with, which is both a good thing as far as negating my worry, but bad as far as the fact that he is still too upset after an argument for makeup sex, which I really love to use as a way to reconnect and solidify the relationship. Anyways, long winded thank you, but I appreciate your support. Take care.

[sophia]

Hi IWSOM,

Thanks for sharing info. about that fertility site. I will have to check it out.

R means Relationship/Reconciliation and D means divorce. When the LBS is going dark or GAL, it is in our best interests to NOT bring up talk about either R and D. It only puts pressure on the WAS and pushes them further away.

It's a great sign that he's not having an affair, makes it less complicated. Right now, it looks like you're doing all the things that you're supposed to be doing. Keep up the great work!

My biggest issue right now is that I want to continue being a part of my stepson's life. However, I do not know if I should try to spend time with my SS or if I should just detach from his as well. I sometimes think that if I completely withdrew from both of them, then my H really would miss me and have to be self-reflective of his actions.

Right now, I don't have any control over him, just myself. So all I can do is take one small step at a time by GAL, PMA, and Dbing and know that in the end I will get through a stronger person no matter what the outcome.

Take care and keep in touch!

Me 40
WAH 43
T 4 years
M 9 1/2 months
H moved out 3 weeks ago
stepson 9
No D filed

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I just wanted to jump on and say that NOT all are having affairs. It really makes me angry when people just assume that is the case.

Very true. About 10-20% of the time, there is not (I would estimate that men are at the higher end of this range; women usually at least have a strong EA lined up more than 90% of the time). Best to verify before doing any confronting or anything else you might regret later.

Puppy

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Update: I had an interview yesterday and it looks like I've got a strong chance to get a new job. It is a temporary position that could morph into a permanant job, but the good news is that the pay is decent and steady, and since it is different enough than my small business, yet requires the same background, I could sell my practice and do this job if I like it. This is incredibly liberating information for me and I was excited to share it with my H.

I told him about it and asked what he thought. He said "That's great that you have found something (job) that you can support yourself on the salary". I mentioned that I would have no problem splitting the sale of my business were he to drop the D and sign something saying he wouldn't D for a number of years, because obviously I have good reason to be wary (given that he filed for D). He said, no, that he does not "want to engage in our dynamic" again, and he still wants the D. Then he said, he's more than willing to sign something to let me have 100% of the business proceeds, he doesn't want any of it.

This rejection, of me specifically, not just the job and money situation, cut deep. I didn't let my H see me get upset about this, instead I left the house. I went to the park with my ipod and my cell phone and broke down crying. I called our MC, left a message and then my brother, who has become a strong shoulder for me to cry on unexpectedly during this hard time.

I have always loved my brother, but lately he's become so damn helpful and loving to me by letting me vent to him that I can't ever thank him enough. Really, I see this as the only good that's come of this hard time, the fact that we have gotten so close and that I truly realize how compassionate and loving he is. It also gives me hope that there are other fantastic men out there, I just have to find them. I was telling him though, that I'm so afraid that my "man radar" is broken because I did not see how badly broken my H is until we were already married. I'm terrified to think about dating again, but more so, after I fall for someone, that I will continue to get hurt.

Later, I asked for some things from my H, some insurance cards, as well as this written statement stating just exactly what he said hours before. The deadline is approaching for my written response to his initial divorce papers, and there is a segment there that says "there is a written agreement about property or asset divison", and you have to answer yes or no. I wanted to be able to say "yes" about the business as an asset, and since I am seeing my attorney tomorrow I wanted to be able to include it. Then, my darling H, backtracks and says that no, he meant that he would let me have 100% of my biz assets were I to leave his assets 100% to him, aka his home and 401k, etc. Yeah right. Nice try buster.

Honestly, I do not love this man, whom I've renamed H2. H2 is not the man I married, he is petty, annoying, selfish and self occupied. The only clue I had that H2 ever existed inside my H is the fact he really had no deep friendships whatsoever. He thought he did, however, and the activities that we did with them during our courtship fooled me to think he did have reciprocal relationships with others, but what I have found, living with him, is that he really buys their friendship with lavish gifts that are completely innapropriate for the circumstances.

Heck, since I've moved in, even before we've gotten married, so for a FULL YEAR, NOT ONE has stopped into the house, or even stopped AT the house to carpool or whatever to another location. The only one who has, was the spouse of his "friend" who did electrical work for us that we paid him for. I honestly think that he wants a close relationship with people and a wife, but is terrified of it at the same time, so builds "walls" around himself to protect him from this. That's why he's being so GD weird and urgent in pushing me away from his life, I press against those boundries because I want and expect a deep and fullfilling marriage and friendship with my spouse, and he is simply unable to provide this to ANYONE. It would be sad if he weren't treating me so poorly and being so mean to me. Now instead of pity, I just feel scorn.

Yep, you are reading me right, I am starting to give up on this marriage. I will continue doing the DR, but because I need to seriously start detaching and taking care of me, not because I want my husband back. I want the man I married back, not this imposter, H2. I think that this mental switch is totally healthy for me right now and ironically, probably this complete 180 will give him a major wakeup and might, just might, make him decide to change his mind, but really, I don't care. I can't care anymore, because it's killing me.