Trying to detach from the madness!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

hey, just want to say I'm thinking about you. don't have time to read.

remember not to let his attitude change yours.

have a great Sunday!

[Startingover2]

Hi ST...glad you said Hi.

[kassie]

SO2,

Sorry you are having a hard time. You saw that I am too. Had a brief convo this morning since posting. He wants me to not make a big deal out of yesterday, thinks that we can do what we want and AA advise doesn't have to dictate our R. Then he read the chapter in the big book to the wives. Basically saying, hang in there and let him get sober and learn how to live life - and don't rock the boat. Be strong and carry the burdens until he can help.

I didn't take it so well, I told him I am tired of having to manage everything at home - him after a day at work where I am taking care of everyone there. It's too much for me. He's almost 60 years old - he should be doing a lot more than he is with or without an illness. I have major disabilities myself and I still have to take care of things - its hard for me and I do suffer everyday with fatigue and pain but I do it.

So, I don't have any answers that seem to help - just comiserating. I assume our task is to take care of ourselves and our own lives, whatever form that takes. Be kind, loving and good to yourself just as you would want from a husband. I think once we are able to detach from the hard stuff, we will be find life to be better than we think.

[Startingover2]

My MIL gave my exh the big AA book...the big blue book! She wrote in it that if he doesn't get sober he will end up like his father. He will loose everything. When I kicked exh out he left the book here. I tried to give it to him and he didn't want it. I read the Wives part. Good reading.

As much as I love my baby more than anything I wish exh was not her father. I wish I could walk away from him and NEVER EVER speak to him. Reality is that will never happen.

[kassie]

Just focus on having the best R with her you can, and allow them to work out whatever R they can knowing it will be flawed until he gets sober.

The reading is good, but just like pointed out earlier, H wants it to be about me and how I treat him. When he got back from talking to another AA member, he shared that we argue a lot - sponsor said to him - stop arguing with her and she won't argue with you. Thought that was cute - because it really does start with him and he doesn't know it.

How"s the day going? What did you do today?

[Startingover2]

Today has been quiet. We have my 2 daughters birthday dinner tonight with my family and their dad's family. Should be fun. I wish I had more money to do things. Retail therapy always helps but not a pratical thing right now.

Exh's child support was due last wednesday. I am really hoping he isn't trying to stiff me on that because of his daughters grad present. I will ask him tomorrow. Another confrontation I am avoiding.

He sent some texts asking how baby was this morning and then asked me some random things I had no idea about. Haven't heard since. This is his first weekened with no CS so I imagine his is hitting the beer hard and if married woman is a source of pills he is in heaven.

Getting worried on trying to prove this stuff in court. I know my days are numbered. I am terrified of him having time with her. What if he passes out and she is alone? Happened a few times with his other children.

[kassie]

It is a tough thing to imagine. Just keep focused in the present, document what you can. With his hx more than likely it will be supervised visits for a long time. Judges don't seem to mind giving visitation to wayward parents, but most of the time they are smart about it. And a different way to think about it, one that a neighbor and I shared when our kids were young because we didn't trust our H - is that they are the other parent, for better or worse. We don't get to control everything. And if you are a praying person - that works too. Enjoy the dinner and company!

[Startingover2]

Dinner was fun. Its so nice to get along with my first ex. My kids have always been relaxed and not tense.We discipline the same and everything. I may catch them doing more, but he will always back me up.

Exh sent a few more texts in the afternoon yesterday. I was short and to the point and he asked why I was so impersonal. I told him I wasn't, just busy. He asked why I have to be this way. I said it was best and it saves hurt feelings. He didn't like that much and went on to ramble a bit.

It absolutely drives me crazy that he obviously does not want to change what he is doing yet is fighting hard for me not to move on. Why? Whats the point?

[volleydog]

addicts are utterly and absolutely selfish.

I think this more than anything answers all your questions about your exh...I wish there was a way he didn't need to be in your life but with a D that's not going to happen. I wish I had some wise advice but unfortunately I don't, but I will pray for you...

[blindsided1]

Great post you put on here SO2 about the addict. I loved it. I copied it and I am going to carry it with me. Glad you had a good dinner last night. You know why he is fighting so hard to keep you from moving on...see volleydog post above!!!! So, true. Thanks for the post, again. I really needed it today. Love you