H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Glam, and Ali, thank you for stopping in and posting to me! I so appreciate it!!

Glam, I guess the reason I don't want to ask about being on H's medical insurance is that it seems like bad DBing, putting pressure on him with little hope of a good result. He knows perfectly well that I need insurance, and also that I don't have money coming out my ears to pay for it, and yet he tells me he doesn't have the option to put me on his insurance (which is apparently a lie, to save himself money and hassle and connection to me), so I kinda feel like he's already turned me down. It _is_ a shame I'm going without...but I think he allows it because he wants me to take responsibility for myself rather than relying on him (or someone) to bail me out. It's true that I could have been better all along about being independent, but...I suppose it's a matter of perspective. <sigh>

Last time he was here, he asked me if I had enough to eat (because of my financial sitch). I have gained back some of the weight I lost on the MLC diet--although I'm still maybe a size 4, so I'm not too huge--so I was tempted to say, "Do I look like someone who can't get enough food??" I was also tempted to say, "And if I said 'No, I don't have enough to eat,' what would you do then?" But I didn't do any of that. Also, when I mentioned a medication that I have been giving the cats, he said, "You're buying medication for the cats but not for yourself?" I considered a lot of answers, but finally settled on just saying, "Yes." He wanted to know why, and I said something about how the cats rely on me for everything, including to do the right thing by them.

Right now it's not so much the money that stops me from the meds...my doctor said we could change to one of the $4 prescriptions, which I have taken in the past, although I would still have to pay the $100+ fee for the doctor visits every few months. I go through this every time I go off ADs: I don't want to go back on, because of annoying side effects, and also because I want to be able to get away from taking any drugs, period, much less something that is long-term.

One of the problems with depression is that there's no definitive blood test for it or anything; it's very much trial and error what is the best way to deal with it, especially since it is so nebulous and hard to get one's arms around the whole thing, and it varies so much from one day to the next. I keep asking myself, if I feel better, if I can keep that up...and if I feel worse, I wonder how much longer I will feel worse, and all the time I know that any med I start will take 6 weeks or so to begin helping me, and maybe I would feel better on my own before that? Is it worth trying? Can you see the problem? Besides which, it is hard to remember how much better you felt on meds when you are off of them, and vice versa, and you wonder if they really make that much of a positive difference. I suspect it's easier for someone who sees the depressive on a regular basis (like daily) to answer that than it is for the depressive herself, and I don't have anyone in that role for me any more. I know, from therapy, that my depressive brain LIES to me, so I have to take all of my moods and thoughts with a grain of salt, which doesn't help the self-confidence or self-esteem.

Ali, thanks for your insights about the sex/contamination thing. I hope I get a chance to have that experience! I haven't seen a lot on the boards about that (maybe there's more of it on infidelity or piecing?), but I can't help but wonder a little, although I don't spend a lot of time on it.

Also, thanks for the encouragement about friends. This is one of the areas I have not done well with, but I'm starting to come out of my shell and reconnect with people in RL. I got a call out of the blue today from an older lady at my church, whom I've chatted with a few times over the years that we've both been members there, who had seen my name on the prayer list (my sitch isn't listed, just my name, so it's my choice what to tell people), and called to tell me she was praying for me and see if there was anything she could do to help me. She didn't know anything about why I was on the prayer list, but I told her a little about my sitch and she was very kind. I haven't gotten to know her very well, but I've always liked her--she's pretty lively for her age. She told me she would love to have me call her up and have lunch together, and she seemed serious, so this lady 30 or 40 years older than me may be the beginnings of an answer to my prayers about needing more local friends! I've never had any close friends more than a few years older or younger than me, but hey, I'll take whatever I get! Thank you, God!

I'm trying to collect the nerve (and the funds) to start painting the inside of my house, now that I have removed a lot of what was on the walls. We've owned the house for 18 years (it's almost 30 years old), and it hasn't been painted at all since we bought it. And all the walls are this boring beige color, and getting pretty marked up by now, and I really _hate_ beige! I've never painted anything other than artwork before, so it's a little intimidating for me, but one of my good neighbors is a retired housepainter, so I have him as a resource.

It will be a little ironic, me painting the house, considering that for years H complained about the lack of change/decoration in our house, and I would beg him to help me get started with the painting, because he had spent an entire summer during college painting a school, and I had no experience with it at all...and somehow the painting just never happened. In fact, the last time he was here, he commented once again on the lack of change, slanted toward the lack of signs of him here (to which I really wanted to snap, "Well, you chose to move out six months ago, why should you expect to see signs of you here?" but of course I said nothing, as usual). Of course, this was over a month ago, before I moved a lot of wedding pictures and such to the basement, so it wasn't really that different from when he did live here, and there weren't a lot more signs of _me_ here than there were him. I'm really feeling the decluttering bug hitting me hard. I guess--actually, I KNOW--it has to do with wanting to clear out all this emotional clutter and start fresh...although there is a lot of stuff I don't feel right about just getting rid of, for a variety of reasons, but I'm starting to reshuffle it to places where it's not in my face, at least. If it weren't for the expense, I'd set up a storage locker and move it all there, so it would be off of my property (better feng shui).

Boy, am I tired. I'd better get off the computer before I wake up and find the imprint of the keys on my forehead.

Thanks for listening and posting.

Peace,
Dawn