Don't Let Them Eat Cake

[Dawn of Hope]

IL,
Just a quick note, trying to get off the computer soon--

I'm not good about boundaries; I mostly just left my H alone to do whatever he wanted. The problem I had with the idea of boundaries was that most of the things I wanted, I knew really weren't under my control, such as wanting him not to bring OW to the house to stay there while I was out of town. I realized by the time that happened that there was no point to even asking him for anything like that, because I couldn't trust him in the least to keep his word, even if he would agree to it (after all, if he could be counted on to keep his word, OW wouldn't be in the picture in the first place), and I couldn't count on him telling the truth about it later (apparently MLC makes him think I'm stupid and wouldn't find out about his shenanigans if I cared to). So there was basically no point to trying to set a boundary like that. You need to save your energy for battles you have a prayer at winning.

Oh, and my H went from maybe 10 texts/month on his phone to 300+/month when he met OW. We had tickets to a big theatre production the day he got back from meeting her in person for the first time (the bomb happened when we got home from that show, later that evening, and I found confirmation that he had just spent 4 days in a hotel room alone with her), and I later discovered he texted her during intermission while I was standing in line for the ladies' room. I remember another time shortly after that when we were in a restaurant, and I got up from the table to "freshen up" (as they say). I had caught on to his antics by then, and when I had gotten across the room, I turned around to look back at our table, and I was upset (but not at all surprised) to see that he had pulled out his phone and was holding it just under the table to text her. I also found out from snooping (not a good idea; avoid it if you can) that he was talking to her the entire time he was driving to and from work, or really anywhere for that matter, and most of every evening, at least 2 hours every single day, on top of the blizzard of texts. It got so that I wanted to take a hammer to his phone every time I saw it. It would have been better than what I wanted to do to him personally, which involved big knives and Lorena Bobbitt. So...yeah, hiding their phone/text habits, par for the course. It's like they think you won't notice. Again...I always had the temptation to say, "Have _you_ become stupid, or have you just decided that _I_ am?"

Oh, and lately he has complained about me "avoiding" him when he calls because I don't normally answer. I didn't bother trying to explain that I don't answer _most_ of the calls I get, regardless of who's calling, because I get so few that it's not worth keeping the phone nearby. It's pointless because he would just think I was making excuses to him. This kinda goes along with the time period during which I was just starting to get that sick suspicion that something was really wrong. I looked at his phone when he wasn't around (which had never been an issue for him before), and later when I mentioned something innocuous about that, he just about went ballistic that I had looked at his phone--it was so out of character for my normally laid-back H that it was one of those big red flags for me (in addition to what I'd found on the phone when I looked, which I didn't mention to him). So...more paranoia and overreaction about the phone (a.k.a. umbilical cord to OW), yep, par for the course.

I think it might be worth your while to set up a separate account that he doesn't have access to. I'm not a big fan of hiding things from one's spouse, but if you're only spending the money on things to help your M (like DB coaching), it's nothing to be ashamed of, although you have to be careful to be honest with yourself about it...deception/hiding has its few moral uses, but it can be a very slippery slope. However, it's not like hiding shopping sprees...or spending on OP! Definitely DO NOT do anything that could reasonably be expected to lead to him finding out about DB or this site!!

Good for you about having no intention of leaving your home or even your master bedroom. Don't be mean or rude about it, but don't let him try to guilt you (or whatever) into leaving either.

I think that keys for you will be 1) learning to detach, and 2) learning how to take a time-out when you aren't detached enough, so that you don't do/say anything you will regret later.

Well, so much for that quick note... It's 11:45 p.m. and I haven't had breakfast yet today (that being the term for the first meal of the day, whatever the hour or meal composition), nor have I made it into the shower yet, so I'm really going to get off of here now...

Take care of yourself!

Peace,
Dawn