MIL is devastated and guilts H all the time. You think that helps?? Nope, she's the one he's got the real issues with.
The idea of having scars really bothers me. I want less armor, not more. So, yes we have to walk through the fire but I'm finally open to the possibility that this M could mean everything I know it does and still come out of it better than before. I've had enough trauma in my life. There is nothing helpful about feeling damaged or scarred. On the contrary, it is really self-destructive. My bio-dad dying certainly scarred me in some ways but, I really see the events of my life as perfectly leading me up to this moment. Now, this moment happens to suck a** but it hasn't always and hopefully, if I am diligent enough, these events to will lead up to that aha place where I "get it." This is the first time in 14 years I am willing to be open to the possibility that I can have a wonderful life, complete life regardless of what happens with H. That is like a miracle because every part of me screams "NO! That's not right, being ok will mean it didn't mean anything and I didn't care enough." I am trying to embrace what everyone says here about detaching and how critical it is no matter what. Anyway...
H and his friends and our mutual friends...aargh...I've had to just chuck my ego. I can't even imagine what he tells them. I haven't heard from all but one or two friends that we share. It is brutal. But, hey, I've got my own friends and there are a lot of people on this planet so, onward.
Can you "mess around with photography" without a class? That is so weird because I was just thinking today how that is something I would love to do as a hobby. You don't need a class to mess around. Just sayin'. Pick up a camera and shoot.
Can I be so bold as to tell you to do the yoga now?? You are ready. You are right there. I mean the yoga will really move you on to the next phase of this, guarantee it. How are you going to grow that muscle (focusing your energy) if you don't work it and challenge yourself? I went to yoga a week after the bomb. I was a mess, I cried, but it sure helped to remind me that I am a whole sovereign individual and I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Just started the "Gift of Change" and it is just perfect for where I'm at and I think you too. It would be just lovely if you could skip the extra couple of months of hell I went through and really get this stuff now.
