I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

OK, this is kinda long...

I had a pretty good weekend...but potentially screwed up yesterday...
W calls me Sat morning (as expected) to see when I wanted to pick up the kids. She mentions that D9 didn't want to spend the night at my place that night. I expressed my dismay at this, and a conversation ensued. We spoke of how I was supposed to be getting 3 overnights a week by now, yet it's been about 3 a month. I told her I'm wasting money on renting a place with an extra room because it goes largely unused. Also told W that the day will come, if she continues down this path, where D9 and D4 will not have any say whether they stay at one place or not - if it is in the agreement, that's how it's going to be. Also told her I don't want it to be this way, and that she's the one who wants all of this (to which she told me to stop telling her that she's the only one who wants this) and that's just the way it is going to be. I sure don't like the arrangement. She said she'd call the counselor to discuss parenting times (she has said this many times over the months, but has never acted on this...). I suspect she won't call the counselor (but if she does, it is our DB counselor, FWIW). If she does arrange a meeting, maybe something good will come of it, I don't know. My thought is that if she doesn't take that step, it is one step that is not closer to the D.
So, I decided I'd be smart to cool my jets (I don't believe I was sounding angry, but the conv was a little tense and somewhat uncomfortable). So, somehow I (we) calmed the conversation, and ended on some agreeable and calm note. And, I agreed to pick up the kids at noon. OK so far.
So, about 2 hrs later, W calls me from the condo pool, and wondered if I was willing to take D9's friends home when I come to pick up D9 and D4 for the day at noon. (D9's twin friends P & M had a sleepover, and they were all now at the pool.) I told her "Sure - be glad to." - the conv was nice and friendly, as usual. I hung up with her and thought it odd that she'd call about that. P & M live only a few blocks away, and either W could walk or drive them herself, or their mom could retrieve them. But, I have taken them home before - it's no problem, as they live so close - she could have just asked me when I showed up as planned. I wonder if she was touching base with me for some reason - after our last conversation. I know, some of you are thinking "Stop worrying about what you believe SHE thinks..." I am getting SLOWLY better at detaching, and not thinking that way, but still it struck me as a bit odd.
OK, so I pick up the kids at noon - things going friendly as usual, and the kids go out to the car, and I stay behind to talk to the W for a minute. I brought up the conv again, and mentioned that I didn't want her to feel pressured by me, and that I like that we have been able to discuss some things on our own and I also liked the cooperation that we have enjoyed. I mentioned something about the finances, and how I was concerned about how we are each going to make it once we are financially split. Things have changed, I told her, and we will need to revamp the entire financial agreement. She said something like, "So, do you expect me to quit school and just get a full time job?" and I told her that I want to see her succeed in school (nursing degree) but why should I financially support a woman to go to school, who has no ties to me anymore, any more than I would send any other woman in town to school. She told me that she's working on it, she can get loans, etc. I mentioned that I didn't know how she expects to maintain a house without an income, and that I need to financially protect myself and the kids. She took that to mean that I was intending to try to get the kids 100% custody, and I assured her I do NOT want that, but I might expect 50-50, or something close to that. I also told her with my full time job I do not want to have to get a 2nd job just to make ends meet. In other words, I do NOT intend to support two households all by myself. She said she's working on things, income-wise...but couldn't tell me more than that. I could feel that this was an uneasy subject for her. By then I realized that I had not been acting "as if" and I was starting to let my emotions and needs get the best of me. If I was going to salvage this conv (or the entire day), I needed to end it on a good note somehow.
I told her that I could tell this was uncomfortable for her, and it was for me also, and that I didn't start out intending to discuss this, and I apologized for making her uncomfortable. She said it was ok. I told her that I felt things had been calmer between us, and I really want to keep it there, and she agreed. As I proceeded to leave (the kids by now were waiting in the car) I told her goodbye, and we'd call each other later in the afternoon. I reached out and gave her a one-armed hug, which she returned, with a pat on my back. She actually returned my hug - wow - and patted my back. That's probably the most affection I had gotten from her in over 7 months.
For what it's worth, we used to NEVER end tense conversations like this. This has been a 180 for me, and is probably one reason why she doesn't seem to avoid me anymore. We almost always end on a pretty good note.
I had the kids for a few hours and by then they wanted to go to a friend's pool - so we called W and told her we'd like to come by and get the swimsuits. We stopped by, and she had them out and ready to go, towels and all. The kids were chatty with Mom, and she was kind and talkative to me, and we hung out for maybe 15 minutes just "hanging out" together (kind of like a family again). W seemed happy we stopped by, and the interaction was pleasant. We then left for my friend's house to swim, and had a great afternoon. Later, picked up P & M again (!) as they decided to have yet another sleepover with D9 Sat night as well (since they are leaving town for 2 months to spend the summer with their dad in Iowa - yes, their parents are divorced...)
The evening dropoff was uneventful, and she told me she'd call me in the morning as I'd have the kids for the day on Sunday as well. So, I left, feeling like things didn't go too bad today, all things considered.
Went home and did more reading in DR - which is pretty much a nightly routine for me. I'll have it memorized before long.