I've been thinking a lot about DB and how much time I spend on here. Truth is, it helps to have the distraction, get some objectivity (reading other sitches and replies to my own). But, there is no escape hatch.
I had a family dinner tonight. H was conspicuously missing. I didn't necessarily miss him (that is fading), I just noticed how not there he was. Kids laughing and his mom by my side and H off in another world.
What does his mom say/think about him?
I sort of felt like the person diagnosed with some fatal disease with the patronizing "How are you[s]" and the pats on the shoulder. But, not too long into it everyone could see that I am ok. Still have my sense of humor, still have a life and things to talk about. One very close family friend commented on how well I appear to be doing and I was really honest about the struggle, that I'm coming to except that all of my intellectualizing and enlightenment can't spare me having to walk through the fire. I can do it with grace and consciousness but I have to walk through. And, it hurts so bad. Really. IT being the whole damn thing from the memories to my children's sadness to the mess our finances are to the alienation I feel from H and many friends. Life changing so monumentally on a dime.
I read this the other night and waited to respond...and this was what stuck out to me...the walking thru fire analogy...it is so accurate and hit me deep for some reason. It feels just like that. I know I will be scarred when i reach the other side...hopefully not too bad. Scars I can have pride in
I read your post after dinner but chose to wait and not respond on my iphone (I've got to GAL) but I was thinking about it and sort of pining to get on here and reach out to you. You are so sweet. And yes, it IS like mini-Christmas!!! DBing to me at this stage (separated), is about survival. How do we survive, do the best we can under the circumstances? Some of the self-analysis I'm afraid is a bit for naught as truly I have been in my own "fog," can't remember what I decided was my fault a month ago. What I decided I just had to change about me. Truth is, I'm not so bad. I've got to work on myself. Basically, the same things I've been working on for years. And some of the things that are DB, I realize I was trying to do for a long time already, I just didn't have a consciousness of saving my M. Even then, I think I was trying to save myself (which H saw as me neglecting him). Who knows? I agree...I honestly do not know what i would be putting my energy into and which flailing direction I would be headed in if it weren't for the book DR and these boards. Seriously. It is survival for me right now.
Back to the post that resonated with you and I saw you repeated on another thread, I can see now that H could come here, rest his head on me, have dinner with me, ML, share his thoughts and accomplishments with me because we were alone. But, in public, no. We're done. I was an abusive psycho-b*tch and he is now finally free to be his true self. What a sad trap.
The one about him only wanting to be the new version of himself? yes...this is so true. You really do have a way of putting things into words. I can honestly say that we have not even had to be in a situation yet where we are around our friends/family at the same time. I don't know if that will ever happen again, but it sure would be interesting to see him as a fly on the wall. I have been told by family and friends that he seems sad and quiet. (which is NOT like him at all, the guy hardly shuts up, ever!!!!) But I am sure this is not the case when he is partying or out with a group. It makes me sick to think of him out with our friends who know us together and have him be the "single guy" now. So messed up. I can only imagine what they are thinking and I wonder if they are encouraging him??? Probably waste WAY too much time wondering that stuff.
Your H is lost girlfriend. You think he is pulling your strings, he can't even pull his own. He has to figure out how to have a relationship with his daughters, how to take care of himself, how to grow up and guess what? He most likely does not have the tools to do it and that is why he is where he is. And, yes, maybe he'll grow but, how long will it take? Not a month (remember I did that with my H 6 years ago)...most likely a long time. In the meantime this DBing is about YOUR survival. How do your kids not lose out on having a functioning and stable mom? How do you not miss out on enjoying precious days of your own life?
This is the one thing that actually makes me happy re: my sitch. I mean as happy as I can be. I know that I could have been doing a better job as a mom for awhile now. I could have been spending much more time with my kids...I mean QUALITY time with them...and I am now doing that in spades! We played go fish today, and I took them to a professional baseball game! It was fun! They were asking me all kinds of baseball questions and I was answering, they thought I REALLY knew what I was talking about ! LOL! Fooled 'em! At one point the outfielder missed a catch and I looked at D6 and she actually said "Gravity....it'll do that to ya!" WHAT!!?? It was hilarious!
My MIL is pretty miserable. She never really got over her first marriage in which H's dad left her. You know, she gave me the best advice in the midst of one of her standard woe is her conversations. She mentioned that she had had lunch with H's dad and now that they are old, she just looked at him and she wondered how she could have wasted so much of her life on him. And then she went right back to complaining about something else. But, I heard her. I got that. How much does he get to take of you and your life, how much do you give (and I am speaking about negative energy not positive)? It IS worth it IMO to have good memories, to have "friendiness" (per SP), to enjoy your daughters together and maybe to reconcile one day. But, the gnawing obsessive attention on him, that is your time you are handing off.
STILL, despite all of that wonderful philosophizing and PMA and GAL and LRT and....it f'ing hurts sometimes. One morning, while the kids were away, I just wailed and I mean loud enough to scare the neighbors (think foghorn) and my dog came rushing in the bedroom and began to wail and we did this back and forth until I had to stop and laugh because it was so weird and ridiculous. But, the hurt has to move through. Been there done that!!! It just comes. Lol about the dog! Too funny!
It is Friday night!! No, you don't want to be sitting at home reading DB.com pondering your future. But, here we are.
The roller coaster is what it is. It is not your DBing that causes the roller coaster, it is the nature of the beast. My friend went through a swift divorce, that didn't save her from the roller coaster. She and H post-D have gone back and forth for 2 years. What are you going to do? Tell him you're through? Uh, he already did that. You are ambivalent, get used to it. And you may get pounced on here for not knowing what you want. So, you proclaim, "alright, I am standing for my marriage no matter what!" Next day H does some new unexpected weird thing and you're thinking, "this is insane, I'm done, he's an a**hole..." IMO, forget about a resolution for now. You go on the "one day at a time plan"...try it for a few days or a week and then reassess. How do I get through TODAY? What's my little list of things to accomplish and how can I make it a little more inspired and have a little more gratitude? Check out Kevin4Dallas' thread...he wants to be more "interesting" to his wife who wants nothing to do with him but he doesn't have anything he is genuinely "interested" in. I jumped on him about it. But, guess what? Nothing is more interesting to me than this M stuff. I hold onto it like some blanky I just can't leave home without...because I'm a good person and I have values and I KNOW how important this is. I can't just be glib and move on, that's H, not me! Well, it is enough. I'm done thinking about NOT thinking about H and M. I have got to focus on what I am interested in outside of this. It is scary and feels like a one way ticket to who knows where but, it is time.
So, if you're ready, let's do it. What are you interested in? Passionate about? What do you want to accomplish this week, relating nothing to H, M or D?
Thinking about starting a thread on this topic...but it is seriously hard to say. I mess around with photography, and would love to take a class...(need more $$)...I love yoga but have a mental block against doing it right now because I can't be that quiet in my own head yet!! I love to run but have a bad hip!! I am a hairdresser and love what I do...maybe take more classes there...I don't know. I want to be MORE passionate about all of those things than I am right now. Maybe that will come with time.
Write about it in your own journal or on here.
I love that people help each other through this on here. You are on the fast track, really. Get the hurt out and don't hold back. One thing I've done is write the most brazen letters to H (never to be sent of course). Let it all hang out...the worst of the worst, anger, fear, sadness, vitriol, just purge it once and for all. And then, back to you. I did this too per your suggestion. It helped!!
What do you think?
Thank you for all of that insight. I feel connected and I am thankful for you taking the time to post that for me. It really makes me shift my thought process back to me! So thank you!!!!!!!
But, I heard her. I got that. How much does he get to take of you and your life, how much do you give (and I am speaking about negative energy not positive)? It IS worth it IMO to have good memories, to have "friendiness" (per SP), to enjoy your daughters together and maybe to reconcile one day. But, the gnawing obsessive attention on him, that is your time you are handing off.
