WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Let me put it this way. Stop trying to show her that you love her....period! The more you "try"......the more the stitch gets into a mess. I want you to stop thinking about how you can prove her wrong about your love, etc. Frankly, I do not think you could prove to her anything at the point b/c she does not want to be proven wrong

It would be to your best interest to forget about showing love, at this time, and think about other things. If you will notice in that quote that I said "as you have time". I meant that after the R inproves (providing that it does) you will be able to show her your love......but this is way, way down the road from now.

OW! OW! OW! My head!

Just kidding Sandi, thanks for sticking with me to beat this one into me. I understand and will work on keeping focus. I see your point on how she's not looking to be proven wrong in her decision to file for divorce and moving out. She's looking for everything to reinforce that she made the right decision.

Hopefully we can get to the point where the relationship improves.

You see, as long as she knows that if she keeps the crying up long enough, she will break you down emotionally....that re-assures her that she can continue to play these same old games. THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO! She needs to be convinced that you are not available to her b/c she messed up when she walked out on you. She must learn that she makes mistakes and that she hurts other people. As I told you before, she is not the typical WAW. She is in your daily life way too much for a typical WAW. She is wanting to manipulate you, where a typical WAW would not want to be anywhere around you and want you to move on without her and leave her alone.

What you said about the typical WAW is exactly what my WAW friend at works says - she wished her husband would find someone else and leave her alone.

With my wife being a non-typical WAW, it had seemed like at times that she wants some pursuit, but only on her terms. My therapist said that it seems like she is setting it up so she can continue to reject me. Guess I'm still blinded by love and I've been refusing to see/believe she's no longer the woman I married. But I guess that's the heart of the problem, as a WAW, typical or not, she is no longer the woman I married.

Of course it does. I hear the LBS say that over and over again and it makes me wonder if they thought it should not hurt so badly. Did they expect something different or did they think the feelings would change after a week or two? I am not being critical of your pain, but I am saying that this is a fact of life that you must accept and it will not go away until you start GAL. Go read all the other people who learned this lesson. They said the same things about how crappy it felt, but when they started appling the DB techniques and especially GAL and detaching.....then they begin to feel better.

I guess the "crappiness" is how I had 3 days with boys where it was less crappy, but everytime she takes the boys, the crappiness returns. I think today in particular was hard as the four of us spent so much time together this morning and then when I went to church, the service was about Divorce. It was so hard, that I didn't/couldn't go to my small group session nor to the gym (which was the routine I had been using to get through Sunday). Compounding that, the friends I normally talk to or see on Sunday were all out of town.

I felt a little better once I got out of the house and spent some "me" time besides staring at the empty house. Guess that's the "power" of getting a life.

Do you think I should just have him call? She had said that the parent with the kids should call since that parent knows the best time to call

I actually wound up calling tonite to say goodnite to the boys as she hadn't called and it was past their "normal" bedtime. After I was done talking to the boys, she got on the phone and I just said, in a cheerful, upbeat voice as possible, "Goodnite" and hung up. She wound up emailing me a little later with some tactical stuff. I just replied with a Thanks for the FYI and told her that our youngest needed milk for Monday.

I think that's the "right" level of response from me, for now.

You are either dark or not. You are so hung up on what she said you were like before she left that it is keeping you from being able to apply DB techniques. She told you herself....it is too late to do those things now. So, why are you so worried that you are proving her right whenever you do not call, etc? The time to have shown her that you were the opposite man from who she described was before the M broke up. You could stand on your head trying to prove otherwise now and it would still be "too late" in her opinion. That is why we have been trying to tell you to drop the rope. You cannot drop the rope and still play the part of the lovie-dovie husband. It will not work until you "get that"!

I think that's the core of the issue that I didn't get. I was so hung up on my 180 that I couldn't let go of that to drop the rope.

You treat her as a friend when you can. This is not the time (IMHO) b/c you can't seem to be able to stop at being "friends". You two are newly separated and it is too early to expect to be able to treat everything as "friends". Not calling and not saying hello/goodbye is one of those things. If she catches you on the phone with one of her looooong R talks, remember what I told you? Tell her you don't have time to listen to all of that stuff again and/or you have to go and hang up. Would you tell a "friend" that? No. But....right now, you can't always be like a friend with her. It is good to use the "frienship" measuring stick as a guide, but there are times such as this that you would be walking into a trap. When you get to the place that you can actually say hello/goodbye to her in a chipper voice that shows no sadness, etc., and can controll any R routes, then it will be safe to do that. Until you reach that point, I would say not to take those chances. You are still too vulnerable.

Thanks, I think I got it now and hopefully I can prove it through actions, rather than just the words. I appreciate the clarity

"Apparently (movie title) still makes me cry"

Now watch this.....she is setting a trap! This is her sign that she wants a R talk. She is snaring you into her trap to call her back.

Anyway, I wound up replying

Sucker!!

Guess its her controlling to pull my strings again

You said it!!

You are sooo right on that one. After I sent the reply, I felt like such and idiot for sending it.

No use in going into all that I could say, but do you see where she throws in that jab about her not trusting you every chance she gets? Now, she is even frustrated at her lawyer for not returning her calls!! Tell me, does she try to control everyone in her life?

Now I do feel like coming through this computer! Why would you tell her something like "it's disappointing to hear her say that"? Let me tell you hear and now......she will have no respect for you as long as you continue to make responses like that when she cuts you down.

I actually thought this trust thing was a relatviely new thing that she brought up. In the past, the entire pity party was all about the hurt. She had said that she didn't trust me with her heart (as part of the hurt pity party), but today was the first time where she started on about not trusting me that I would take care/responsibility for the kids. I got very annoyed about it and perhaps I didn't get it in my journaling/post, she was very aware that I'm annoyed about that. I didn't say I was disappointed by that, that was just how I put it in the post.

I hadn't thought this morning's conversation was that bad, but I guess that's what's good about this forum, and why I try to journal what's going on. By having people look from the outside with all the life experience really helps. I reread my post after I read your's and I see how I really came accross weak and needy. I thought there were times where I held firm, but I guess those were too far and few.

I am trying to dance a fine line as we have a child support hearing coming up in 3 weeks so I'm trying not to get her fighting mad (she can, according to my lawyer, get up to $2500/month if she reall presses it - right now we're around the $1500 number), but I do see how that "playing nice" may not be helping my longer term cause.

Thanks again for hanging in with me. Hopefully I won't get so many "mad/mean" faces in the future.