confused.....want to do something.....

[traveldane]

Hey Orchid,

Hang in there. Being physically and emotionally exhausted wears us to the bone. You are doing a great job moving forward with what you need to do. Try not to let the unpakcing overwhelm you. Take that bath, and sleep when you can, all you can.

I had a bad day today and also could not seem to banish the negative thoughts from constantly looping, definitely hear you on that one. I hate to realize that so much of what I want from life right now includes H in the picture, and the recognition that I have no control over what he decides to do makes me feel vulnerable in a way I never have before. I thought I was a pretty independent person throughout our M, and to feel so persistently heartbroken is sometimes embarrassing. It's hard not to get down on one's self in this state. I know I am a good, smart, talented, worthy person on my own...I will be fine in life. But it sucks to know that I still wish he wanted to be there with me, and he doesn't. At the very least, right now he does not. And he might not ever.

I actually talked to H this evening to address some outstanding financial stuff. In some ways I felt it was backsliding to call him, even though there were legitimate things needing to be discussed. But, on the positive side...I have been upset by these things since thursday of last week. The old me would have called him immediately and been harsh, angry. I have learned in this process to take a few days, to wait until I am not freshly angry, to identify what I want out the conversation and to compose myself and not sound needy or distraught.

I waited until a time I knew he would not likely be busy or with a group of people (calls on friday during happy hour time frame are never well received by him these days, I learned that after 1 or 2 painful interactions). I used I statements to communicate what I felt regarding this matter in response to how he treated me (basically that he was just avioding it and making it my problem) and actually got a good response from him. He appologized for not communicating with me earlier. I then validated his feelings of embarrassment (reason why he avoided the matter) and said "I hope you know you never have to feel embarrassed about X situation, as long as you just let me know what's going on, then I don't feel ignored or assume XYZ. We can always work something out-I think we are both on the same side in this (X situation)". I agreed to take responsibitiy for a task necessary to resolve X situation and aksed him to take care of another task necessary to resolve it. I asked him to email me on a specific day this week, to let me know the outcome.

He agreed to all of this. We then were able to chat a little bit about how things were going...wish I could say I rattled off lots of stories about fun, interesting things I was doing and then ended the conversation. But, I did not tell him that I missed him or say otherwise clingy things. Told him I had been busy, let him know that I was going ahead with the move north( he did not know this was decided, hard to gauge his reaction, wished I could have seen his face), and said that I had some fun things coming up that I was looking forward to. Wished him good luck with busy work week that was coming up. So, all in all, I think it went well and I was relieved to see that I am now 2/2 on conversations with him on the phone where I do not drown in self loathing afterwards for acting in a way that I am not proud of.

We even agreed to get together next weekend when I come to retrieve the remainder of my things from storage-he hesitently suggested it, which honestly is huge for where we are right now. Won't get my hopes up too much as he may change his mind, back out, but even that he suggested it is a small step.

My point to this whole blah blah story is that I am finding the techiniques in DB and DR books to have helped, while no other approach I have used so far has improved our interactions. The techniques for improving communication, that I described above, seem to be helping. And, hard as it is, stoppig the pursuit and reducing contact to give them space, but even more improtantly, to give ME time and space to fully reflect and process so that our interactions are driven less and less by raw emotional reaction, have allowed a small window it seems . I'm learning to identify what is most important, to clearly ask for what I need,to approach in as non-threatening way as I can. I feel better about myself after interactions using these methods than I did before.

I think at this point, we have to pat ourselves on the back for the very small steps we take...because it really is a learning curve to change behavior. So Orchid, be proud of all you accomplished today by doing for you, and all you accomplished by not doing any thing destructive to your fragile R.

So I think that if we stick to these guidelines for conducting ourselves with grace, we will only reap benefits. Those benefits may be improved relations with our spouses, but are infinite in restoring our self esteem, which has suffered, clearly.

take care-traveldane