Many times the only way a spouse can consider divorce is by laying all the blame on the other partner, in this case, you. Yet what is forgotten is that each individual is responsible for their own happiness, the person they see in the mirror. That goes for you, too.
A marriage is made up of equal partners. Each of you is responsible for 50% of the issues. Growth starts when you take 100% responsibility for your share of the problems. That is where change comes in.
Hi! Hope you don't mind if I jump in on this thread! I could have started it myself. My H fits this bill.
Gypsy---Extremely well put words! My H is very angry at himself. But instead of changing himself, he blames me for everything bad that has ever happened to him. My H blames me for "making him a worse person" instead of a better person. Our marriage should have made him better.
I'd also add unrealistic expectations of marriage to your list. In MC, my husband more or less said that he was disappointed when he looks back on our marriage. It shouldn't have been SO MUCH WORK, SO MUCH CONFLICT. Truth is, marriage is work. All relationships are. All human interactions will experience some conflict. The rub is figuring out how to effectively manage it and work on conflict resolutions, learning to communicate effectively, learning how to meet each other's needs to reduce the conflict. None are simple or easy, don't require any effort. Oh, wait a minute---affairs are easy and don't require much effort! (My H had an EA with his therapist.) When I asked him why he was attracted to OW, he said b/c it was easy to talk to her, no conflict, no effort. DELUSIONS!
Sorry for my rant. I can't seem to take the focus off of him and put it back on me. I think I know why...he always complained that I put everything else before him. So I feel like I need to spend time with him, attend to him, b/c that is doing a 180. But it is so very draining b/c he's depressed, moody, self-centered, and emotionally unavailable to me.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
I think my W feels that way too - "When is my time?" Only problem is, I was attentive, I did help with household chores, I was there for the kids. I am better now than I was before. Wasn't perfect before, but who is - oh yeah, she will be the one to find the perfect person out there who no one else has ever managed to. Sorry, that was petty. But it felt good to get it out.
Actually, his big complaints about me, especially as of late-
-Always being on his back about everything - checking phone records, bank accounts, etc. Grilling him about things - he has not given any indication that he would ever cheat on me, but I am so suspicious about everything anyway.
-That I have no life of my own - he's been trying to get me (for the past couple of years) to go out with my friends more and do things I like to do. Always is more than willing to stay at home with DD while I go out.
Both of these things, I'm fixing, and having lots of fun doing it!
"Enjoy the 'you' who is emerging. Stop giving him prime real estate in your mind.. trying to figure him out only saps your energy and takes away from positive growth on your part. And learn to listen to your inner voice within."
This is so true, and great advice.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I also would not wish this on my worst enemy...but I am SOOOOOO glad you guys are here!
I agree with this! The message board I usually go to the women just say - call it your "practice" marriage and move on... So it's helpful to "chat" with people who are going through situations that are very similar.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I'll jump in here too, I seem to have a one good day, one crappy day. That extreme hate feels so bad, but it sure is good to know so many others are going through it too. I think it just stems from the total lack of control.
Someone else is deciding the fate of our lives and our childrens, and there is piss all we can do about it.
I know in my marriage I was always the one to make all the decisions, my W was always so indecisive about so many things, I guess it was the strategist in her, always wanting to reason everything out for two hours before making a call on something so unimportant.
We too were one of the couples that when telling others about our situation they are speechless, and blown away. Sure seems like alot of us in the same boat tonight.
_________________________ Me 42 W 34 D 5 S 3 S 2 M 3 yrs T 8 yrs ILYBINILWY 2/23/09 ILYBNILWY 4/20/09 Still in same house, separate rooms
LG - I think you are absolutely right about it stemming from the lack of control. My H gets to decide this without me? I mean, it came out of the blue!
Just like mine. No warning. W even admits she did not tell me she was unhappy and had been in counseling for 6 months before telling me.
Then, when she tells me she wants D, says she is "done," that she will not go to counseling, will not talk about reconciliation and that she is "resolute" in her decision.
I may be able to forgive her one day for the D, but I do not know that I can forgive the WAY she is doing it.
I've tried to tell him that... that if he wanted to get the feeling back, he just needed to decide to be loving.
When I've told him that, I wasn't telling him that in the most selfless way possible though.
On the same track, I haven't been "feeling" happy for a long time either. But for me, I needed to decide to actually be happy, and to do things for myself - I was turning into a typical martyr wife where everything I did was for my H and DD and I was miserable because nobody did the same for me. How can anyone be happy being married to someone like that and feel loving towards them?
Wow. Lightbulb!! I have been feeling this was my problem in R too, I just haven't really know how to verbalize/articulate it. I did everything re: household stuff and kids. He did the bills. I always thought he should help me more and he did as well. I have known for awhile that we were fighting the same battle against each other. I would also really resent his freedom with his job. And the fact that I have put aside everything for his career...but all of this seems so trivial and stupid and were all erased when he left. I want another chance to flip that switch and appreciate him for the things I resented before...and BE more loving. This is not to say that I am to blame here. But like it was said in another post. It's 50/50...and I am ready to accept 100% of that.
Someone else is deciding the fate of our lives and our childrens, and there is piss all we can do about it.
Absolutely the toughest pill to swallow especially when you subscribe to the belief that we are each responsible for our own happiness and our own lives. I mean how do I get control, darnit???
But, I suppose, we master the little things one at a time and eventual, we get into a new normal. Like if we have a parent that is ill or a neighbor that acts like an a**hole...we have an ex who we need to deal with. It is lonely and scary and bizarre to fathom these people who were so central to our lives becoming peripheral and needing to just be managed but it happens all the time. It is truly the most difficult part of this for me and others I'm sure. Detaching. But, it can be done. And, we will have a modicum of peace when we are ready for it.
Faith: I wish I could say the same, not entirely out of the blue for me.
My W is actually was the type of girl who would internalize things constantly, never saying her true feelings for months and months, until it would come to a head and she'd blow up, telling me she couldn't live this way any longer.
She should have been releasing it a little at a time instead of harboring, and resenting so much.
So I guess I had ample warning, every 4-5 months. I would always "own it", and try to correct the issues I had, But the true change did not happen until I was backed into a corner with something to lose...Pretty selfish I know, not willing to truly change until faced with losing everything, my largest act of selfishness thus far.
_________________________ Me 42 W 34 D 5 S 3 S 2 M 3 yrs T 8 yrs ILYBINILWY 2/23/09 same house, same bed no intimacy
