How am I about setting boundaries? Mmmmmm.......honestly it's one of the things I stink at the most. Not just now, but always, especially with H. I've always done too much for him, accommodated too much, let him make all the choices, took on responsibility for his stuff, etc, etc. I find it even harder now to set boundaries because I'm not sure what they should be, how to discuss them w/o discussing R, etc. Also, a lot of the boundaries I want to set are actually things I could never enforce (like don't communicate with OW when you're with me). Or they are boundaries that really are more about me not detaching (like tell me if you will be home later than normal so I don't worry). So I need to reflect some more on this. I've been struggling with this alot over the past few months. What types of boundaries have you been able to successfully enforce in your sitch?
I've suspected that when he is with me these days, he often uses the RR as a time to go text OW (his EA). Yep, that's what he did today at the movie. But if I pushed him away when he did that and cut off all physical contact, wouldn't that be bad too? I know, I need to get rid of my fear and detach. Every time I think I am, he sucks me back in. Or I guess actually I allow myself to be sucked back in. Oy! Sometimes I feel like I'm so strong except when it comes to letting go.
Thanks for posting - it's comforting to know you're out there too!
IL. The boundary I've been successful at is protecting my own recreational time. I go out dancing and take lessons on my own without inviting my W. As long as she sleeps elsewhere, I don't want to portray to the world that we're a couple, or invest that much energy into her. I need to cultivate my own connections apart from her.
The other boundary I maintain is sleeping in a separate room. I will not sleep in the same bed with her for the same reasons. I don't think I'm invited anyway.
I turned down an opportunity to travel with her and her undefined friend to Puerto Rico, due to the amount of distance in the M.
These are boundaries meant to protect my time and space, rather than influence her behavior.
I was probably taking things too far by being distant all the time, but am now thinking that once I've said all that I need to say or do, I can relax and enjoy my W with the remaining space left (in the home). There's no point in being sullen about what's beyond my control.
You speak of fear. What are your fears?
My IC says that the LBS must be willing to lose the M, so that he/she will act fearless enough, so that essential changes can occur in the R. Easier said than done, but true I'm afraid.
I think the journey of the LBS is a journey of cultivating courage, and letting go of codependent ways. I'm still on the path. I haven't reached the mountain top yet.
I think paying attention to your feelings will be key, particularly when you feel as if you're being treated with disrespect, and you do have some freedom of choice.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
