I hate my H

[eternaloptimist]

Hello dmk..

Many times the only way a spouse can consider divorce is by laying all the blame on the other partner, in this case, you. Yet what is forgotten is that each individual is responsible for their own happiness, the person they see in the mirror. That goes for you, too.

A marriage is made up of equal partners. Each of you is responsible for 50% of the issues. Growth starts when you take 100% responsibility for your share of the problems. That is where change comes in.

Hi! Hope you don't mind if I jump in on this thread! I could have started it myself. My H fits this bill.

Gypsy---Extremely well put words! My H is very angry at himself. But instead of changing himself, he blames me for everything bad that has ever happened to him. My H blames me for "making him a worse person" instead of a better person. Our marriage should have made him better.

I'd also add unrealistic expectations of marriage to your list. In MC, my husband more or less said that he was disappointed when he looks back on our marriage. It shouldn't have been SO MUCH WORK, SO MUCH CONFLICT. Truth is, marriage is work. All relationships are. All human interactions will experience some conflict. The rub is figuring out how to effectively manage it and work on conflict resolutions, learning to communicate effectively, learning how to meet each other's needs to reduce the conflict. None are simple or easy, don't require any effort. Oh, wait a minute---affairs are easy and don't require much effort! (My H had an EA with his therapist.) When I asked him why he was attracted to OW, he said b/c it was easy to talk to her, no conflict, no effort. DELUSIONS!

Sorry for my rant. I can't seem to take the focus off of him and put it back on me. I think I know why...he always complained that I put everything else before him. So I feel like I need to spend time with him, attend to him, b/c that is doing a 180. But it is so very draining b/c he's depressed, moody, self-centered, and emotionally unavailable to me.