Nicole- Actually, I'm surprised. I've been sleeping. That knot in my stomach has diminished. I am not feeling half the anxiety I have in the past when he returned.
Yes, I am picking him up with the kids...I'm leaning 90/10 that this is a bad DB move and I'm going to have to refuse next time. There is still definitely a part of me that is thinking, "he will see his beautiful wife and kids and come back to the house and never want to leave again." I am owning that. I have been playing mental volleyball between going dark and being "friends." I end up in some kind of middle and I'm thinking that is not going to give me the kind of fortitude I need to stay strong.
Today I composed a letter to H-
Dear H,
You have shown me and our boys time and time again that the most important thing to you is your personal gratification, your ego and your experience.
Your boys will ALWAYS know that you love them and I will help to make sure of that. But, they will have to learn how to be noble men some other way.
I am filing for divorce. I love you. Wish you weren't so insecure that you need to do this much damage just to prove to yourself, me, the boys and everyone else that you are "somebody". But, at least you are master of your own destiny.
I wish you peace and love and let's just keep it amicable.
I am vacillating between filing for D or running off into the sunset together. LOL. At least I know how ridiculous it is. I'll tell you, feels good to write the damn letters and save them just in case...
I think you and I live in relatively close proximity but connecting is tough because of the "rules." I'm not sure how others have done it.
The journal really creeped me out. But, given a little more thought, it was written for him to share with his class so I'm sure it was censored and tailored to fit his image. I went through some old emails that were actually more revelatory, including ones from 2 years ago when we were at just about the same point as we were right before this separation. See, the issues from 6 years ago just permeated the whole relationship. He had come back but he didn't have those "tools" and neither did I.
I finally bought Marianne Williamson's "The Gift of Change," per 25's suggestion. Funny, I read it years ago, always love reading that kind of stuff. I have been on this path for a long time. My R was really holding me back, truth be told. And, that does NOT mean that I think I should give up or we shouldn't try to work it out. It just means that I need to be able to be me and take care of me in or out of R.
I will definitely keep you posted. Isn't it always nice to see that someone has posted on your thread??? It's like a little mini-Christmas every time.
I'm looking forward to seeing what's up with you on your thread...
