I hate my H

[Done in VA]

Thanks for all the responses...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but am thankful for your support.

Giving it - that is the same conclusion that I have come to with my H. If this ends in tragedy, I believe he will never look back. He will always see me as the problem. I think even if we have a happy ending, H may always think it was because I made changes. Nothing to do with him!

I know DBing is solutions based, but does anyone know a WAH/W that has been able to tell us what is going on in their heads during this time. It almost seems like a quasi-MLC or some sort of identity crisis. I just can't fathom how a normal, healthy person does something like this! Is it depression? I feel like there should be some sort of diagnosis...Or is this just what resentment can do to a person???? In which case, I must then rationalize that IT WAS ME. I was that terrible of a wife.

It's just that the things they say are so BIZARRE. And my H functions just fine in every other area of his life. He has said he feels "lost". His answer to everything in the beginning (1/09) was "I don't know". He can, at times, seem SO ANGRY. Yet most of the time he just appears to not care at all. I heard something interesting lately. In scripture Jesus says "Love your neighbor as yourself". You can only love your neighbor as much as you love yourself. Another way of saying it would be to add the words "You will" before the word love. Meaning you can never love anyone more than you love yourself. So if you feel like crap, you will project your crap onto others. Who would that other be? The closest person to you - your spouse.

Nicole: I keep wondering - were we just the envy of all because we got along so well? Did we just get along so well bc H always kept feelings inside? It always just SEEMED like we agreed on everything & were great friends? While meanwhile his resentment was eating him alive! Meanwhile it doesn't help that he has erased all good memories from his mind. If this was the case, not only am I being put thru all this, but I WAS ROBBED OF MY REALITY! Will I ever trust again? Will I ever be able to know what is true & what is not? Did H take that capability from me?

When you say you look around you at pretty girls & think your H will be w/them next...I do something similar, but I will look at (sorry to sound rude) fat, nasty couples at the pool & think - even people like that can find someone to love them. WHAT WAS SO WRONG WITH ME????????? WHY WASN'T I GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE?

Tomorrow will be better...