AK: OUTSTANDING. I don't know how you were able to hold it together and come up with the porcupig story in that tough moment, but it was a stroke of brilliance! What a great mom.
SP- Funny enough, I think I just want a little appreciation for handling all of the tough stuff. I don't know that I want him back...he hasn't cut his quills.
SP- I don't know, at least verbally, he has actually shown his appreciation, maybe I am just not honest with myself that I want it to be more. I guess, I want him to have to face it and be real with his kids. I just want it to be fair. Waaaa...
It is pretty clear that he loves these little guys sufficiently so that if I were a cr*ppy mom or I dropped the ball or bailed, he wouldn't be able to live "the dream." He knows he can be an a** because I'll TCB (at least on the kid front). Probably a big problem in M.
Why would you say a big problem that you take care of the kids? I'd say that's not what this is about. Nor is it enabling.
You should question it. You should question everything because that's going to help you move on to focus on you in my opinion. But that's not something you should linger on, right? You're going to take care of the kids with your last breath if it comes to it. Next?
Sounds like things are in a holding pattern right now. I haven't fully caught up on your thread, but you sound like you are angry and just about to wash your hands of him. Good. Means you are focusing more on you. You should focus on you. You will be able to leave the door open without focusing on him. You don't have a time limit but you do have limits and pain. You'll be in pain for a while no matter what happens at this point - stay with it as long as you can and focus on you.
Make you happy and the rest will follow even if it is not what you expect at this point in time.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
The "problem" was referring to our dynamic of me being the pragmatic one and H f'ing around. And it was indeed a problem. We needed either a) more of a balance or b) me being able to hold that position without resentment and nagging and eye-rolling and exasperation.
The dynamic is still the same on that front and frankly, the more he screws up, the more I step up. You are right though, that is just how it is. I am here for my kids first and foremost. Still, I am making the space emotionally for him to step up with them, I will not get in the way if he shifts his attention and wants to do better by them. Of course, this gets tricky if he is inconsistent which I must anticipate so I have to have some boundaries.
Anyway, how are you????????? I have to find your thread!
Ok peeps. I've been really sort of taking stock of my sitch. Trying to get honest about where I'm at. H is coming back tomorrow and aside from my GAL and PMA and lack of PMS (haha), I want to really feel integrated, authentic and fearless. I am tired of feeling like I'm on eggshells. Nothing about human psychology or biology indicates to me that it is a healthy state to be in, that ultra-conscious fear mode. Na, I was feeling physically ill trying to pull that off.
I am a decent, honest, loving woman. I don't need to rake myself over the coals anymore. I have my "things" I'm working on.
I did a lot of organizing this weekend and will continue today...bills, bills, bills, for which I have no money to pay. But, I am "priming the well"...I am taking baby steps toward really looking at this sitch with H and making some decisions together. This may not be the prescribed way, but this is what I want right now because I believe I can handle it.
I think I'm done with the coquettish, girly, flirty persona, trying to lure back H. I was a girl when we met almost 14 years ago, I'm a woman now. Not sure how this will come off but guess what? I don't care half as much as I did a month ago. I just can't be the groupie he may need to feel like "somebody." Of course, I DO care, just not as much as I did before.
I just got a very sweet email about what a terrific mother I am. Yep. Every time I get a message like that, I interpret or experience it with a tinge of "...but a sh*tty wife." I will take the compliment and keep the other out of it. Just said thanks. I would love to try to interpret it but per AJ, no mind-reading!!! Hey, wasn't it me a few posts ago whining about how I wanted H to appreciate what a great mother I am??? Riiiiighhht...so, I want to be appreciated for being more than a mother, a friend, lover, wife, woman...note to self, if I want to be appreciated for being more than a mother, I've got to BE more than a mother. He may not appreciate it but I will, someone will. And in my heart, I believe he wanted that/wants that...Alas, I don't know that I can fully appreciate who he is. Lest he walk off the plane, and with humility and machismo proclaim "what a fool I've been," and profess his unwavering desire to be a hero to his family and step up. Think that'll happen?
I went back last night and read some of my posts from a month ago. Some of the insights, I just wasn't ready to digest. They made sense but I just wasn't there.
I am a decent, honest, loving woman. I don't need to rake myself over the coals anymore. I have my "things" I'm working on.
Of course you are. Interesting when you get to the point of not allowing yourself to walk on eggshells anymore. Real change begins to happen. It's scary. It's painful. It's how growth happens. He won't know what hit him, so be aware you'll see some changing behavior from him following your changes. That's not a bad thing either. Make your changes for you. You can control you. You cannot control him.
Oh, and open yourself up for the compliments a little. I know you want more, but that was a great compliment. For him to make it, was likely meaning more than you gave you credit for. He was looking for a way to compliment you and acknowledging his own lack of parenting while acknowledging his own lack of being there(i.e. how he can't raise the kids without you.) Kudos to you for not reading his mind. Very good. That's why I did it for you.
You are growing. You are making some really great changes to yourself. Keep it up. Be consistent. Be patient. Remember what a great person you are and remember that you still need time to figure out what it is YOU want. You are still forming those things. You're a woman now, act like it
I still haven't forgotten that sushi. If your husband can't make it, I assume you still can?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Weird. I was just cleaning up and found something H had written the day he informed me that he wanted to separate. It was kind of like a journal (for a writing class) but printed and sitting under a stack of things on my dresser. I never snoop but jeezus, this was just sitting there.
It was pretty unnerving to read about the experience he was going through. I was sort of a minimal part of it. And, there was a lot of "if" with regard to us separating but he just had to do it. And a reference to a beautiful woman coming onto him who he told he was happily married (out of respect for me because he was still living here). And he talked about our love at first sight and some other details, mostly positive.
The starkest and saddest thing was his assertion that the kids would come first and that he is not like his dad...and now, 5 months later, he has barely seen them.
I saw clearly what DB is about with regard to presenting a different picture of the possibilities in the R. I also saw, how completely self-absorbed and subjective and narrow his view was...like Dangerous Liasons "It is beyond my control." It was not articulated why he had to leave, just that it was for the best.
What did stand out, no surprise was how, despite his few utterances about how the kids come first, there was so much more about how interesting he is, how many people he knows, how fascinating his life is and how he is essentially destined for greatness.
So, after all that, it is basically what I have known it is. His movie, he's the star and we are just bit players. I can live with it. It is apparent that this IS who he is and has been.
He comes back tomorrow (I say for the millionth time). The letter made me sad and shaky mostly because it is so surreal to read his words from 5 months ago...but, I'm really ok.
Yes, this post is all about him. I found something provocative. I'm dealing with it. Could've been a lot worse.
Wow, Ak...you are doing great. I know you must be anxious he is coming home tomorrow, but you are mentally preparing yourself to be strong and you ARE strong. Just out of curiosity, when he comes into town, are you picking him up? Where will he go? Do you have plans for him to see the kids already? That is crazy you found that journal today. How strange. I will be thinking about you and praying for you and your strength tomorrow. Don't forget to let us know how it goes...I'll be waiting!!
