Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

Here's the E-mail that I sent her tonight...

"I'd like to work with you in good faith, like I said I would. We seem to
be stuck though. I'd hope we can work this out in a way that's acceptable to
both of us. I sent you a message on May 27 telling you about my plans for the
end of June. Since I didn't hear back from you with any objection I went ahead
and made reservations and finalized my schedule at work. I had no idea you
wanted to take the kids at the end of June. I can't change my plans now just two
weeks away. If I can keep my plans for the end of June, I'd be happy to let you
have the kids at the end of July. That way, we each get something we wanted. Can
we compromise on this?"


And here is her response that came later...

"I did reply to you as soon as you sent me the 1st email saying you decided on
your own to take off and wanted to take the kids somewhere."


I honestly never did get anything from her after that 1st E-mail! So now...what to do?

[antlers]

Here's the E-mail that I sent her tonight...

"I'd like to work with you in good faith, like I said I would. We seem to
be stuck though. I'd hope we can work this out in a way that's acceptable to
both of us. I sent you a message on May 27 telling you about my plans for the
end of June. Since I didn't hear back from you with any objection I went ahead
and made reservations and finalized my schedule at work. I had no idea you
wanted to take the kids at the end of June. I can't change my plans now just two
weeks away. If I can keep my plans for the end of June, I'd be happy to let you
have the kids at the end of July. That way, we each get something we wanted. Can
we compromise on this?"


And here is her response that came later...

"I did reply to you as soon as you sent me the 1st email saying you decided on
your own to take off and wanted to take the kids somewhere."


I honestly never did get anything from her after that 1st E-mail! So now...what to do?

Any help on how to respond to this would be appreciated!

[CityGirl]

Well, the two of you can argue back and forth about who got what e-mail and who didnt and continue to cause conflict and more ill feelings OR you can both accept that was some sort of e-mail snafu and find a solution.

Going back and forth about the e-mail is the past and it simply rehashes the communication issues you both have. So, do you want to keep rehashing and arguing over an e-mail or do you want to find a workable solution to the issue at hand?

What your WAS seems to not get is now that you ARE on your own it is perfectly within your right to decide things on your own w/o her consent or approval (ex: vacation time). But it doesnt seem she is in a place to accept her role in this miscommunication and pointing it out to her will only cause further demise.

So, what can you do to defuse this situation and find a workable solution so you both can have a vacation with the kids? And, what can you suggest for the future so things like this dont happen again?

This will need some editing but I would respond with something like this:

Dear W,
Thanks for your quick response. Clearly there was some issue with our e-mails as I dont recall receiving any message from you regarding the vacations and schedules. While that is unfortunate my desire is to find a workable solution to this issue with what we have in front of us at this time.

I understand both of our time is valuable and time off work is precious. I have offered the suggestion of me taking the girls as planned in June and you taking them in July. However I am open to any additional suggestions or solutions you may have. I know we are both fully committed to co-parenting our girls in the best possible fashion so I am confident a compromise can be reached that is favorable to all of us.

Also, I would like to suggest the creation of a family calendar so both of us are able to view things such as vacation times, school events, appts and other child related activities. It would be very simple for me to set up an online family calendar that we both have access to and I would be happy to do that. Of course, I would appreciate your input on this idea.

Thanks!
Antlers

[AlexEN]

That all being said, to me, her answer to the e-mail was a classic non-answer...

It sounds like yes I answered, but how much effort would it be for her to "remind" you what her response actually said in terms of whether or not the June trip worked or not.

Even if she merely responded as she said she did, that response in and of itself doesn't say NOT to go forward with your plans.

But, I also agree that finger-pointing serves no purpose, although I do think dropping a line into your response asking if she remembers if her initial response asked you not keep the June vacation plans should be added.

You may be miscommunicating at your end of it, too, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't work on her communications skills. You can't make her do that, but by asking her if she remembers (better yet, could she send you the e-mail to refresh your memory), she may realize her answer was incomplete, too.

[antlers]

Well, the two of you can argue back and forth about who got what e-mail and who didnt and continue to cause conflict and more ill feelings OR you can both accept that was some sort of e-mail snafu and find a solution.

Going back and forth about the e-mail is the past and it simply rehashes the communication issues you both have. So, do you want to keep rehashing and arguing over an e-mail or do you want to find a workable solution to the issue at hand?

What your WAS seems to not get is now that you ARE on your own it is perfectly within your right to decide things on your own w/o her consent or approval (ex: vacation time). But it doesnt seem she is in a place to accept her role in this miscommunication and pointing it out to her will only cause further demise.

So, what can you do to defuse this situation and find a workable solution so you both can have a vacation with the kids? And, what can you suggest for the future so things like this dont happen again?

This will need some editing but I would respond with something like this:

Dear W,
Thanks for your quick response. Clearly there was some issue with our e-mails as I dont recall receiving any message from you regarding the vacations and schedules. While that is unfortunate my desire is to find a workable solution to this issue with what we have in front of us at this time.

I understand both of our time is valuable and time off work is precious. I have offered the suggestion of me taking the girls as planned in June and you taking them in July. However I am open to any additional suggestions or solutions you may have. I know we are both fully committed to co-parenting our girls in the best possible fashion so I am confident a compromise can be reached that is favorable to all of us.

Also, I would like to suggest the creation of a family calendar so both of us are able to view things such as vacation times, school events, appts and other child related activities. It would be very simple for me to set up an online family calendar that we both have access to and I would be happy to do that. Of course, I would appreciate your input on this idea.

Thanks!
Antlers

Hi CityGirl.

Thank you for your help so far. It's so helpful to have somebody with no emotional investment in the thing to provide me with useful and helpful information like you have so far. It provides me with a different perspective. Her is the response that I sent earlier today...


"Thanks for your quick response. Clearly there was some issue with our
E-mails because I never received any message from you after my 1st E-mail on May
27th regarding the vacations and schedules. While that is unfortunate, my
desire is to find a workable solution to this issue with what we have in front
of us at this time.

I understand that time for both of us is valuable and time off work with our
kids means a lot. I have offered the suggestion of me taking our kids as
planned at the end of June, and you taking them at the end of July. That way,
we each get something we wanted. I can still change my vacation request for
July because that schedule and reservations have not been finalized. I'm open
to any additional suggestions or solutions you may have. I know we are both
fully committed to co-parenting our kids in the best possible way, so I am
confident a compromise can be reached that is favorable to all of us.

Maybe we can both come up with some solutions or suggestions for the future
regarding our communication so things like this don't happen again. Thanks."


Haven't heard back yet. Thanks again for your help.

[antlers]

That all being said, to me, her answer to the e-mail was a classic non-answer...

It sounds like yes I answered, but how much effort would it be for her to "remind" you what her response actually said in terms of whether or not the June trip worked or not.

Even if she merely responded as she said she did, that response in and of itself doesn't say NOT to go forward with your plans.

But, I also agree that finger-pointing serves no purpose, although I do think dropping a line into your response asking if she remembers if her initial response asked you not keep the June vacation plans should be added.

You may be miscommunicating at your end of it, too, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't work on her communications skills. You can't make her do that, but by asking her if she remembers (better yet, could she send you the e-mail to refresh your memory), she may realize her answer was incomplete, too.

Hi AlexEN.

I agree, she didn't provide much with that response!

She should still have it under 'sent mail', if she did send it. If I had received a response from her, I would have certainly communicated back with her.

I went forward with our plans because I heard nothing back from her...no objections.

I don't want to point any fingers. I want this thing to be worked amicably and cooperatively.

I could have E-mailed her back after I heard nothing from her I suppose...but she's griped at me before for resending messages to her...so I didn't. There is room for both of us to do better regarding communication.


Thank you for your input. I appreciate it. It always helps for others to 'pitch in'.

[antlers]

Well, the two of you can argue back and forth about who got what e-mail and who didnt and continue to cause conflict and more ill feelings OR you can both accept that was some sort of e-mail snafu and find a solution.

Going back and forth about the e-mail is the past and it simply rehashes the communication issues you both have. So, do you want to keep rehashing and arguing over an e-mail or do you want to find a workable solution to the issue at hand?

What your WAS seems to not get is now that you ARE on your own it is perfectly within your right to decide things on your own w/o her consent or approval (ex: vacation time). But it doesnt seem she is in a place to accept her role in this miscommunication and pointing it out to her will only cause further demise.

So, what can you do to defuse this situation and find a workable solution so you both can have a vacation with the kids? And, what can you suggest for the future so things like this dont happen again?

This will need some editing but I would respond with something like this:

Dear W,
Thanks for your quick response. Clearly there was some issue with our e-mails as I dont recall receiving any message from you regarding the vacations and schedules. While that is unfortunate my desire is to find a workable solution to this issue with what we have in front of us at this time.

I understand both of our time is valuable and time off work is precious. I have offered the suggestion of me taking the girls as planned in June and you taking them in July. However I am open to any additional suggestions or solutions you may have. I know we are both fully committed to co-parenting our girls in the best possible fashion so I am confident a compromise can be reached that is favorable to all of us.

Also, I would like to suggest the creation of a family calendar so both of us are able to view things such as vacation times, school events, appts and other child related activities. It would be very simple for me to set up an online family calendar that we both have access to and I would be happy to do that. Of course, I would appreciate your input on this idea.

Thanks!
Antlers

Hi CityGirl.

Thank you for your help so far. It's so helpful to have somebody with no emotional investment in the thing to provide me with useful and helpful information like you have so far. It provides me with a different perspective. Her is the response that I sent earlier today...


"Thanks for your quick response. Clearly there was some issue with our
E-mails because I never received any message from you after my 1st E-mail on May
27th regarding the vacations and schedules. While that is unfortunate, my
desire is to find a workable solution to this issue with what we have in front
of us at this time.

I understand that time for both of us is valuable and time off work with our
kids means a lot. I have offered the suggestion of me taking our kids as
planned at the end of June, and you taking them at the end of July. That way,
we each get something we wanted. I can still change my vacation request for
July because that schedule and reservations have not been finalized. I'm open
to any additional suggestions or solutions you may have. I know we are both
fully committed to co-parenting our kids in the best possible way, so I am
confident a compromise can be reached that is favorable to all of us.

Maybe we can both come up with some solutions or suggestions for the future
regarding our communication so things like this don't happen again. Thanks."


Haven't heard back yet. Thanks again for your help.

Well, here's the response that I got back from her this evening...in it's entirety!:

"If you're going to respond to my emails don't talk to me like I'm someone who
you do not know who you're doing a business transaction with..."


Any thoughts and/or advice from you guys and gals?



ps - Incidentally, I don't know her anymore, as she is like a different person than the one I have known all these years! She was also used to me being a mean prick and dictating how things were gonna be all these years...probably flips her out for me to be otherwise!

[mnt_dreams]

I'd ignore the dig about treating it like a biz transaction... maybe something like:

Let me know what ideas you come up with and we can talk in a few days about alternatives.

[antlers]

I'd ignore the dig about treating it like a biz transaction... maybe something like:

Let me know what ideas you come up with and we can talk in a few days about alternatives.

Hi mnt_dreams.

I'll ignore the dig...I've been ignoring digs. I don't know if I'll send anymore E-mails regarding this issue unless I hear from her first regarding it. I've made myself pretty clear in each one I've sent so far, and I've been kind and respectful in all of them, and I'll continue to be.

[antlers]

Is she still so fogged out that she's not herself and I can't talk to her rationally?

Is it that sometimes I expect her to talk, think, and act like the person I've known all these years...and at this point in time...she is not that person?