I hate my H

[traveldane]

Me too!

Hopefull VA I am also at this moment welling up with tears of anger and hurt at the man my H is today. Like you, my relationship and then M was the one that people around us looked to, not becacuse it was perfect but because we were best friends and had a great love that people admired. Our friends constantly tell me how shocked they are, that he had always adored me, respected me, valued me beyond meausure.

We had a really tough last year together with some really bad life events (terrible lost pregnancy, etc.) but I still can't believe that he has turned into to this stranger...self indulgent, entitled, self pitying, focued on himself, and only himself. Unwilling to repair our marriage, only interested in bailing out "to find what I need to make me happy".

I am trying so hard to go about my own life, to really become "as if", to understand where he is coming from and validate when appropriate. But on days like this, when I am tired, so tired of feeling abandoned, cast aside, shut out...when I miss my best friend, miss that we used to be on the same team, I just don't understand and I think its the meanest thing in the world, what he is doing.

And yet, when I am able to keep a PMA, move along with what's best for me, I think to myself, I can do this. I can take care of me and its really up to him to sort himself out. Then, and only then, could we ever really get to a place were rebuilding would even be possible.

Its just so hard sometimes. I struggle with the idea..is this who he really is now and will always be? Is the person I loved and felt so good with gone forever? Being heart broken is so demoralizing. I start to think that I am detaching, but on days like this I wonder if I am even capable of really doing this...I don't feel like I am making any progress.

Sorry, would like to be encouraging to you but all I can offer right now is my empathy...I am right there with you.