Weird. I was just cleaning up and found something H had written the day he informed me that he wanted to separate. It was kind of like a journal (for a writing class) but printed and sitting under a stack of things on my dresser. I never snoop but jeezus, this was just sitting there.
It was pretty unnerving to read about the experience he was going through. I was sort of a minimal part of it. And, there was a lot of "if" with regard to us separating but he just had to do it. And a reference to a beautiful woman coming onto him who he told he was happily married (out of respect for me because he was still living here). And he talked about our love at first sight and some other details, mostly positive.
The starkest and saddest thing was his assertion that the kids would come first and that he is not like his dad...and now, 5 months later, he has barely seen them.
I saw clearly what DB is about with regard to presenting a different picture of the possibilities in the R. I also saw, how completely self-absorbed and subjective and narrow his view was...like Dangerous Liasons "It is beyond my control." It was not articulated why he had to leave, just that it was for the best.
What did stand out, no surprise was how, despite his few utterances about how the kids come first, there was so much more about how interesting he is, how many people he knows, how fascinating his life is and how he is essentially destined for greatness.
So, after all that, it is basically what I have known it is. His movie, he's the star and we are just bit players. I can live with it. It is apparent that this IS who he is and has been.
He comes back tomorrow (I say for the millionth time). The letter made me sad and shaky mostly because it is so surreal to read his words from 5 months ago...but, I'm really ok.
Yes, this post is all about him. I found something provocative. I'm dealing with it. Could've been a lot worse.
