confused.....want to do something.....

[traveldane]

Hi orchid,

wanted to reply and say that I've followed your sitch. I am a newcomer here and just starting posting. You sitch has so many similarities to mine and its so helpful to hear about someone going through such similar thoughts, ups and downs, and who knows the hurt of it all.

Like you, my H and I have no kids. I am also in the process of moving myself to a new city to start a new job and GAL best I can, while he continues to "work on his issues, find himself, because he doesn't want to be responsible for/to me or a marriage at this time". Blah blah blah. In my case, there is an OW and an EA (her refers to her as a good friend, but of course I assume the worst that there is PA and he is lying a ton). He tells me he wants to work on his "screwed up emotions" and learn to live and be responsible for his self and just be alone right now. Whatever.

Like you, I felt I needed to show him my independence, packed up our house, except for his immediate personal belongings which he came and moved to his new apartment later, and drove my own moving truck. He called the day of to see if I needed help with the truck, like he couldn't believe I could drive it my self, and I calmly said that at this point I had already made other arrangements. He was pissed when he found out some mutual friends were helping me lift boxes and said, "great, so I look like the a**h*le". I just shrugged, as if to say, "if the shoe fits...".

Anyway, so I am staying with family for a week of R&R, will move into my new place next week. We are currently in a NC place, and I am doing my best to stay dark and not contact him. He is the king of shutting people out...like your H he has shut out all friends and family too and I am worried, but am learnig that that is his deal, he must sort it out for himself.

Of course I daily freak out...how can I DB from afar? Is he happier now that I will be gone from our home city? Does he miss or think about me at all? It hurts when I wake up and is so lonely in the evening.And of course all other times too.

But I am doing my best with GALing and just trying to get through each day. In our last conversation, H stated that he had obtained the D paperwork and was planning to file it. I am sick to know if he did or not, he has been saying he thought he should for months but if he actually has the paper work now...

still, like Stuck says, its paper. but none the less, its hurts to know they are taking those steps.

trying my very best to back off and work on me. Doing and trying to do many of the same things you are. I also am trying to join a book club :-)

I also am missing him, my H, his individual personality, and also my marriage and all the dreams and plans we had together.

Check out my sitch on newcomers board if you want. Warning, its a really long 1st post, sorry. But regardless, know that I am right here with you, hoping for the best (reconciliation and a better, stronger marriage) but planning for the worst, but also for my own personal best life, with our without him.

XXOO Traveldane

[orchid01]

Journalling.........

Its Sunday and I have all my stuff in my apartment. I thought I would be relieved.......but, am not....there is just so much to go thru and the apartment is a mess and I am exhausted.

Made a mistake today. Called H bc couldn't find the remote control. Of course he did not pick up, but called in a couple hours. He has it. Says he will bring it when he comes. Now he says he will be coming a week later than he originally had intended....can't seem to get the days off of work. It made me feel so insignificant! Our M is and has been on the back seat for so long and even now, he just continues with the same.

I slept about 3 hours last night and then have been unpacking boxes since. I really was tired when I was talking to him. But he was happy and surprised I got here in one piece...without an accident. I have to return the truck on Monday, but barring some unfortunate weird event, I think I did just fine. I was fishing for a compliment.......I did not get one.

We chatted a bit generally and then I asked why he is continueing to move every 6 weeks from job to job. He said he does not know what he wants to do. So, I said, "why not just take a permanent job for a year or two and figure out what you want instead of moving from place to place trying to do the same. I told him it would make life a little more stable for him. He said "Its true, I've been thinking about that actually". He said he has been in psychotherapy...and I said,"Well, I think you need some CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to challenge some of your core concepts! He was surprised by that suggestion and did not respond except to say I sound like I have been doing some reading. I said "I have been".

We spoke about other stuff and it was normal. And then, I said "Are you really leaving me?" There was big silence. He said, " We will talk about it when I come there." I knew it was a mistake when it came out of my mouth.....but, well, it was out. Nothing I could do. I did not say anything else, but just changed the subject. We spoke for 35 min and hung up on a good note.

I called him back a couple hours later to tell him that I would appreciate it if he came when he originally said he was coming, bc I have alot of things going on the week he is talking about now. He said he will try. I said ok, have a good day. And hund up.

When will this maddness end? It is really hard to go dark for me, obviously. Its like I am watching myself sabotage my M. Its so infuriating. How do people go dark? Any suggestions would be welcomed.

Traveldane, I will read your sitch today when I am in a better frame of mind...thank you following and responding to my sitch. Our sitch sound very similar. It sounds like you have a handle on yourself though. Its wonderful. I am not sure about the filing of D papers....if he says he has......then, he would have to bring you those papers and have you sign a document stating that you were served the D papers...............otherwise, police knock on your door and serve you with papers. Either way, you will know soon enough, if he files.

Will write later...

[hopeful_cb]

I'm so glad you made it there ok. I think it's such a brave thing to do and you handled it well!

Don't get overwhelmed with the unpacking, I know it would be nice to have it done, but focus on the essentials first. What do you need for everyday use? Get that part settled and then think about the next step. If it seems like too much unpacking, break it down into manageable pieces.

I'm sure you are physically and emotionally tired after the move. Give yourself a break for the backslide. You have a lot changing and anyone would feel exhausted. I find when I'm exhausted is when I make make the mistakes with H. The best medicine for me is to rest, get some sleep. I know you have a lot to sort out now, but make sure you take care of yourself too!

It sounds like you were able to have a real conversation with your H regardless of the backslide with the question. Look at the good side of this too. He called you back, he is coming to visit soon(it sounds like?), he listened to your suggestions about work, he opened up to you that he is having therapy. That is a lot I think.

I know being dark is hard, I really struggled and still do, eventho I am having bits of contact with H now. What I did was every time I wanted to talk to H, call him, text him, etc, I called someone else either to vent my frustrations, or to just talk about something/anything else! I made comments to my friend asking please cut my hands off so I couldn't text! (joking) or about throwing my phone into the river outside my house one night I was really struggling. I guess I find some kind of humor helps me. Besides that what helps me is keeping busy busy busy when I feel like that. I always have something recorded on my tv, even if I don't end up watching it, just in case I need to keep my mind busy and have nothing else to focus on. It will get easier.

Get some sleep you will feel better and be able to think more clearly. Big changes always make me feel emotional, but look for the positives. Maybe make a list of new things in the area you can't wait to check out once your sorted with the move. I am a big fan of lists, they help me think in a more linear way rather than feel like my thoughts are a mess!

Keep your chin up and think one step at a time.

[orchid01]

Hi Hopeful,
Yeah, I like your perspective....there is a lot. I think I am getting really worried. I don't really know what is going on with him or why he decided to file for D before even talking with me. I feel as if I must be unapproachable for him. It is a surprising and scary revelation.

I think I am doing well without him actually. But the more time that goes by, the more I cannot imagine him staying. It feels bad.

But, I really need to focus on those initial lessons....and the first lesson for me was that I cannot control his thoughts/behaviors/actions. It is still humbling to think about that. I cannot imagine doing this to him and so.....it is difficult to maintain pleasantries without getting to the heart of the matter.

I need to make small goals for just tonight. Its almost 5 pm. I am trying to stay up until 9pm and then get a full night's sleep today. I will have to get better at taking care of myself. My apartment has a huge garden tub....maybe I will take a bath tomorrow.

Thanks for the positivity hopeful! I am going to spend the rest f the night doing things I like and either calling a friend or journalling here when I get the urge to call. I feel panic today. It felt like he had decided already that this is final. He did not say that but I FELT that way after our conversation. I keep putting this feeling on Repeat in my head. AHHH!

I need to get rid of it! Ok. I am going to just surf the internet and call my sister! Time to move on with my day!

I am actually looking forward to sleep tonight! HA!HA!

[traveldane]

Hey Orchid,

Hang in there. Being physically and emotionally exhausted wears us to the bone. You are doing a great job moving forward with what you need to do. Try not to let the unpakcing overwhelm you. Take that bath, and sleep when you can, all you can.

I had a bad day today and also could not seem to banish the negative thoughts from constantly looping, definitely hear you on that one. I hate to realize that so much of what I want from life right now includes H in the picture, and the recognition that I have no control over what he decides to do makes me feel vulnerable in a way I never have before. I thought I was a pretty independent person throughout our M, and to feel so persistently heartbroken is sometimes embarrassing. It's hard not to get down on one's self in this state. I know I am a good, smart, talented, worthy person on my own...I will be fine in life. But it sucks to know that I still wish he wanted to be there with me, and he doesn't. At the very least, right now he does not. And he might not ever.

I actually talked to H this evening to address some outstanding financial stuff. In some ways I felt it was backsliding to call him, even though there were legitimate things needing to be discussed. But, on the positive side...I have been upset by these things since thursday of last week. The old me would have called him immediately and been harsh, angry. I have learned in this process to take a few days, to wait until I am not freshly angry, to identify what I want out the conversation and to compose myself and not sound needy or distraught.

I waited until a time I knew he would not likely be busy or with a group of people (calls on friday during happy hour time frame are never well received by him these days, I learned that after 1 or 2 painful interactions). I used I statements to communicate what I felt regarding this matter in response to how he treated me (basically that he was just avioding it and making it my problem) and actually got a good response from him. He appologized for not communicating with me earlier. I then validated his feelings of embarrassment (reason why he avoided the matter) and said "I hope you know you never have to feel embarrassed about X situation, as long as you just let me know what's going on, then I don't feel ignored or assume XYZ. We can always work something out-I think we are both on the same side in this (X situation)". I agreed to take responsibitiy for a task necessary to resolve X situation and aksed him to take care of another task necessary to resolve it. I asked him to email me on a specific day this week, to let me know the outcome.

He agreed to all of this. We then were able to chat a little bit about how things were going...wish I could say I rattled off lots of stories about fun, interesting things I was doing and then ended the conversation. But, I did not tell him that I missed him or say otherwise clingy things. Told him I had been busy, let him know that I was going ahead with the move north( he did not know this was decided, hard to gauge his reaction, wished I could have seen his face), and said that I had some fun things coming up that I was looking forward to. Wished him good luck with busy work week that was coming up. So, all in all, I think it went well and I was relieved to see that I am now 2/2 on conversations with him on the phone where I do not drown in self loathing afterwards for acting in a way that I am not proud of.

We even agreed to get together next weekend when I come to retrieve the remainder of my things from storage-he hesitently suggested it, which honestly is huge for where we are right now. Won't get my hopes up too much as he may change his mind, back out, but even that he suggested it is a small step.

My point to this whole blah blah story is that I am finding the techiniques in DB and DR books to have helped, while no other approach I have used so far has improved our interactions. The techniques for improving communication, that I described above, seem to be helping. And, hard as it is, stoppig the pursuit and reducing contact to give them space, but even more improtantly, to give ME time and space to fully reflect and process so that our interactions are driven less and less by raw emotional reaction, have allowed a small window it seems . I'm learning to identify what is most important, to clearly ask for what I need,to approach in as non-threatening way as I can. I feel better about myself after interactions using these methods than I did before.

I think at this point, we have to pat ourselves on the back for the very small steps we take...because it really is a learning curve to change behavior. So Orchid, be proud of all you accomplished today by doing for you, and all you accomplished by not doing any thing destructive to your fragile R.

So I think that if we stick to these guidelines for conducting ourselves with grace, we will only reap benefits. Those benefits may be improved relations with our spouses, but are infinite in restoring our self esteem, which has suffered, clearly.

take care-traveldane

[mnt_dreams]

So glad you made it safely!! Awesome job! A new adventure begins...

I understand about the backslide. It's so hard and yet, as you said, we can't control S's thoughts/behaviors or actions.

It felt like he had decided already that this is final. He did not say that but I FELT that way after our conversation. I keep putting this feeling on Repeat in my head. AHHH!

Try to stop those thoughts... you don't know for sure what he's thinking. And even if he said it's final, it doesn't mean it really is. Just words. And at this point, just your perceptions. I am wondering at the moment what my H wants to meet and talk about... I've got lots of similar thoughts rolling around in my head. But we don't know until they talk about it, and again, even then it's just what they are thinking. And those feelings can change.

[orchid01]

Hi Traveldane,

Thanks for the insight. I really think that being emotionally and physically exhausted is just too much for me to maintain anything with H. I just want support and since I can't get any, I need to not contact him until I am done with this whole moving process.

I think part of the panic is that he is coming down in a week or 2 (no definate date set yet) and I feel like the ax is going to fall on me again. The last time he came to see me, he served me D papers. I am nervous....very nervous.

When I think about the last 5 weeks, I think I have handled myself with dignity and intellingence. I got us out of buying a house....(it helps me bc I don't have to be attached to him financially and it helps him bc it got him out of a mortgage payment) I broke our finances down to who is managing what. H was planning on cashing in his 401K. I advised him against it and thank god he listened. Finances are ok. I have surprisingly been ok on my own more days than not for the past couple of weeks. I have not been weepy or needy, except for the slip yesterday. I have been proactive with my life.

I don't think there is much else I can do for R. It is feeling like he is in the driver's seat. I really hate that. Its not like he knows what to do or is in any state to be in the driver's seat. Its like he stone cold drunk and getting behind a wheel and I can't seem to figure out how to take the keys away from him!

But, I will continue to keep myself busy and keep a PMA. Today's goal is to not get bogged down by EVERYTHING. I will take your advice hopeful_cb and break the unpacking down to small manangeable things.

Goals:

1. I need to drop off the truck

2. I need to go to the auto insurance place

3. I need to get a remote control, cuz H has it & I don't feel like waiting around for him to get here

4. I need to contact my employer and stop by to say hello

5. I need to open 5 boxes today.

6. I need to go to target to pick up a few things

7. I need to relax and eat well today.

Ok...gotta start my day.

[orchid01]

Hi Mnt_dreams,

Hope you are doing well. I have not had a chance to go on your blog these past few days....

I am determined to not start my first monday in my new apartment with looping, non-productive thoughts. I am a competant, intellingent woman and I will start behaving and thinking like one!

When the loop replays, I will start thinking about the billion things I need to think about for work. I will read about my career or if I have to I will do 30 squats~ that ought to get me out of thinking about anything but the burn in my legs! HA!

You are so right, I cannot know what he is thinking. I do not even know what is wrong. I just have to wait. It a matter of another week or 2, at the most. I can definately do 2 more weeks of uncertainty about the R. After all, its good practice for the long term uncertainty of the M and life in general.

I have set up goals today and so will have a guideline to go to today. OK! Have a fabulous day!

[orchid01]

Well, I had a pretty good day! I went and got some things I needed and have only unpacked one box.

I can't get the tv working and it is really bugging me. The apartment complex provides basic cable....does that mean that they should be giving me a cable box? Cuz I don't have one and I think that is the problem! It's totally frustrating! I went and got a universal remote control and now the office is closed and well......so much for finishing this project.

I have dropped off the truck! Yeah! Its all over! and changed over my auto insurance and went to Target to pick up a few things. I emailed my employer and I have a dinner event to attend wednesday night! Yeah! I am feeling super sluggish and have not been able to unpack boxes yet. Perhaps I will get to that soon.

My H text msg me a really long msg....and I can't really figure out what to do. He texted "I didn't mean to make u feel that I doubt you've the ability to pass ur exam and be competent in your career. I just worry about u and don't want u to ever be in a compromising position like I have been in, most of my life....until I got credentials. Everyone I have cared for in the past didn't have control over their lives and I want u to not be like that. It makes me feel horrible. And I have invested so much emotion in hoping u succeed and be self sufficient that I still get so nervous. I will feel so good when you pass your exam and get thru one year of work...After this, nothing can stop you. I'm sorry for making it harder for you by not being there. Hope this brings some clarity on why I am so tense about your career. If your read 40-50 pages a day, u will pass the exam by mid-august."

At first, I just thought nothing and so have done nothing. Now, I feel as if I am his child/ his project. I feel like emailing him that this is my battle and perhaps he should get out from under my skirts/battles so that he can focus on his own!

Any suggestions?

[traveldane]

Hi Orchid,

First let me say that your last few posts have inspired me to get more active and specific with my goal setting-thanks to you I started the day doing that and it really helped me feel focused and some what in control. So thanks!

Regarding the text your husband sent you, I sympathize with your frustration. When my H found out I was considering moving, he was very concerned that I would leave my job. He was like "you worked so hard to get there, I don't want to see you loose something so important". I explained to him that first of all, leaving the job was a drop in the bucket compared to the collapse of our marriage and I was surprised that he cared more about how my job affects me than his abandoning me would affect me (this was back in the beginning when I gave away my position of feeling blindsided and was definitely angry/clinging in our interactions). Also, I explained that the reason I had done so well at my current company is exactally because I am talented and considered an assest...my move would include at least a lateral job change. Basically I told him, thanks for your concern but when it comes to my job, I have myself together and will be fine.

Its so freakin ridiculous that they are a mess and yet feel the need to second guess our ability to manage our careers...hello, guilty and projecting!

I think if you respond to that text at all, you should say, short and simple, something along the lines of "Thank you for thinking of me but I think at this point, we both have stuff we need to work out for ourselves. That's what I am doing, and the exam prep is going very well". Perhaps even better...very little response at all as in, "Thanks, I've got it under control".

No worries on how fast the boxes get unpacked. Awesome that you've got work events coming up.

Go on girl, you are doing great.