I hate my H

[Done in VA]

Just wanted to know if anyone else feels this way. I feel like I am swinging on a pendulum on a day to day basis. Today I hate him. I hate the man he is today.

Does H love me? He doesn’t seem to. Is he affectionate? No. Does he desire intimacy? No. Is he accepting of my faults? No. Is he aware of his own shortcomings? No. Does he communicate his wants, needs, feelings (both good and bad)? No. What am I fighting for?

Sometimes I feel like I am just holding onto a memory. A memory that's slowly fading away. Why?

Why should I, a good person, yes I have faults, but nonetheless, a good hearted person, have to put up with this heartache? WHY ME?!!! Why am I being put thru this? What lesson am I possibly learning in all of this? To have my family ripped apart & have to start over at square one financially??? Why did I marry someone who turned out to be a frickin pyschopath?

I just look at my H & think - why can't you just let go of whatever issues you have with me, wipe the slate clean & I'll do the same for you and let's move forward???? I also look at him and think I'd like to punch him right in the face...just once to make him feel a SHRED OF THE PAIN IN ME - that I live with day in & day out. And to top it all off - I get to walk around and PRETEND THAT I DON'T HATE HIM - I HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

Then there are other days, I am completely positive & upbeat. Nobody's going to steal my joy. Then I get in this mode. Or sad & depressed. I've always been such a grounded person.

And let me just tell you this, I am 34 years old. Young enough that starting over in life wouldn't be too terrible. People have always told me I should be a model. In fact, people were always shocked that my H got me! I own a successful business, have lots of close friends, make new friends easily, I'm a good mom, good cook, decent housekeeper. I could go out & find someone else, but I want my family together. I, unlike H, have values, I made a vow, a promise that I intended to keep.

H & I were the couple that this wasn't supposed to happen to. We had always been BEST FRIENDS. We were the couple in our group of friends from college that people were envious of! Even now, when I tell our mutual friends what is going on they are in SHOCK. These are people who know both of us very well. They will tell me - I always saw him look at you with such love in his eyes.

Thanks for letting me rant - I really needed that. Sorry to be a downer today!