I have decided to "do me" and regain a lot more of the joy I used to have. This experience can be exhausting in many respects...the feeling of being moving so cautiously around H in case I upset the delicate balance of things. The instinct to so carefully analyse so many of the steps I take. The constant worrying about whether I am invading physical space.
I cannot let myself live like this. Love is not meant to be a battlefield with a demarcation of different territories. That is war. I choose to walk away from this present set of circumstances by regaining my LIFE.
So, I am going to do me. What is me? It is the funny, fun loving, loves to laugh out loud girl. It is the cool, laid back,jazz loving woman. It is the girl who loves a good party and a great movie. It is the girl who is trusting God to bring her through it all. It is the essence of me that I have mislaid these past few months and I am going to take it back starting now.
I have grown a lot spiritually in the last few months and have realized that I am a lot more resilient than I thought I was. I know I WILL make it. Without a doubt, I know that.
But I have also become so serious, which is only to be expected. I look in the mirror and I see a serious person staring back. A person who feels mentally tired.
Today I am tired of the mental tip toeing and the physical caution in each other's presence. I am tired of analysing what my role is to be in this new dynamic.
So, I am doing me. I am giving myself permission to fully relax in H's presence. To stop analysing every word that comes out of his mouth. To let things truly evolve as they may. To TRULY, TRULY let go because all of the analysis feels like part of me is still holding on to the situation.
I am not sure that I am making sense because I don't think that I have explained this very well. But I am truly going to give this to God in every sense of the word. That means I relax in H's presence, I share physical space without invasion but also without self-imposed tension. I detach more, I guess.
It means that I take back the great parts of me. I will truly be able to laugh and enjoy myself because I am letting go and trusting that things will work out for the best. I will stop wondering if H has notice my new makeup etc because I am really wearing it for me. I will live MY LIFE and try my best to let go of this M being the uppermost thought in my mind. It is too exhausting otherwise.
Don't think that this means I am giving up on my M. I am fighting with prayers and love from a distance. I am just giving myself permission to "do me" and find joy right now. Maybe SP has some leftover mojo he can lend me.
Doing me doesn't mean I will throw caution to the wind and start talking about R and M. It means I let time and space do the necessary work in my M and I stop obsessing about it. Everything now is centering around my M and I feel it is time to change that thought process.
Kenn, I am writing on this thread now. You asked what's new. Not much. Status quo is much the same. H and I are on friendlier terms and having some pleasant conversations. I am still giving all the space in the world and detaching. He has called on non-household related issues and I have kept it light. He is generally spending more time at home these days (staying in his space so no real interaction) but I don't comment on any of this. I just go about my business in a cheerful manner.
Interestingly enough, in the past few days I have been approached by several guys who either flirted or said how attractive I was looking. Maybe I seem more confident and that is what is attracting them. I dunno but it is nice to get these compliments at this time.
I have decided to "do me" and regain a lot more of the joy I used to have. This experience can be exhausting in many respects...the feeling of being moving so cautiously around H in case I upset the delicate balance of things. The instinct to so carefully analyse so many of the steps I take. The constant worrying about whether I am invading physical space.
I cannot let myself live like this. Love is not meant to be a battlefield with a demarcation of different territories. That is war. I choose to walk away from this present set of circumstances by regaining my LIFE.
So, I am going to do me. What is me? It is the funny, fun loving, loves to laugh out loud girl. It is the cool, laid back,jazz loving woman. It is the girl who loves a good party and a great movie. It is the girl who is trusting God to bring her through it all. It is the essence of me that I have mislaid these past few months and I am going to take it back starting now.
I have grown a lot spiritually in the last few months and have realized that I am a lot more resilient than I thought I was. I know I WILL make it. Without a doubt, I know that.
But I have also become so serious, which is only to be expected. I look in the mirror and I see a serious person staring back. A person who feels mentally tired.
Today I am tired of the mental tip toeing and the physical caution in each other's presence. I am tired of analysing what my role is to be in this new dynamic.
So, I am doing me. I am giving myself permission to fully relax in H's presence. To stop analysing every word that comes out of his mouth. To let things truly evolve as they may. To TRULY, TRULY let go because all of the analysis feels like part of me is still holding on to the situation.
I am not sure that I am making sense because I don't think that I have explained this very well. But I am truly going to give this to God in every sense of the word. That means I relax in H's presence, I share physical space without invasion but also without self-imposed tension. I detach more, I guess.
It means that I take back the great parts of me. I will truly be able to laugh and enjoy myself because I am letting go and trusting that things will work out for the best. I will stop wondering if H has notice my new makeup etc because I am really wearing it for me. I will live MY LIFE and try my best to let go of this M being the uppermost thought in my mind. It is too exhausting otherwise.
Don't think that this means I am giving up on my M. I am fighting with prayers and love from a distance. I am just giving myself permission to "do me" and find joy right now. Maybe SP has some leftover mojo he can lend me.
Doing me doesn't mean I will throw caution to the wind and start talking about R and M. It means I let time and space do the necessary work in my M and I stop obsessing about it. Everything now is centering around my M and I feel it is time to change that thought process.
That is my ramble for tonight.
Hi Kara! you don't know me but you post really spoke to me tonight. I've been trying to practice this but keep falling off the wagon so to speak.
My sich is my husband of nearly 25 yrs is having an MLC - "re-examining everything and every relationship in his life" because he wants to be happy together. We are still living in the same house as well.
Just wanted you to know that I wish you the best and will be praying for you. I need to hear your words tonight! M25
Kara I loved your "ramble" and BTW it all makes perfect sense, do these things and only good will come of it.I too will try my best to inject some of your ideas into my own life.
And the reconnection with God is all good, probably my only Real saving grace in all this crap.
Had a great day today. Went shopping and out to lunch with some friends. Listened to some of my favourite CDs in the car. Had a huge piece of chocolate cake...YESSS!! Ah, the simple pleasures in life!!!
I just realised that H is not wearing his ring. When did this happen? What does it signify? Is this an outward sign that he is done with this?
I too have taken mine off for short periods but always put it back on. I won't let this get me in a negative frame of mind but it does hurt like hell.
He was quiet for the last few days and spending time in the dark. He seemed depressed. Now today he is smiling at me and laughing alot. Does this mean he is happy because the ring is off?
He has been at home a lot more and on the phone a lot lot less. Why? What does this all mean? Why is he not out enjoying the freedom that he wanted? Even when he goes out he comes back much earlier than when I was pursuing. It is confusing. He has made it clear that he is not moving or filing.
I realise I am trying to do the impossible i.e get in someone's head. That won't get me anywhere so I guess I will keep on doing me and following through on the plans I have for GALing etc.
Any thoughts anyone? Can you help put a perspective on this?
Why do men approach you? Because confidence is irresistible.
Walking on eggshells keeps the body tensed up, the mind overworked and your movement (if at all) twisted.
Congratulations on getting off the 'who, when, what' train and relearn you!
Husband's ring on or off? Out of your control, only his to say (if ever).. his choice. If you try and analyze it you're waiting for the train you just got off. Enjoy what is good between the two of you, ignore passive/aggressive moves on his part and relish the stride you're finding.
I think GAL is when you stop worrying about what the other person is thinking and 'do', live your life in a positive way, open to what is good, what brings growth. Toss the weeds, water the seeds and see what blooms.
Sure do appreciate it (best Scarlett O'Hara voice).
Yes, I know trying to analyse his actions gets me back on that same train I just disembarked from. It is just that his collective actions are so inconsistent and make no sense to me. Thought that ride was over but the conductor keeps trying to pull me back on the train.I remember when I put that ring on his finger, so it really threw me for a loop there and I had a good little cry. I was thinking, what will people think when they see this?
... But, I remind myself...life is bigger than this. God has a bigger dream for me than where I am now. I am moving toward that dream everyday and I love that! To reach that dream I have to get through this. My head will be held high everyday and I will look absolutely fabulous. There is no man on earth that will ever think that he can make me look down and out. BELIEVE THAT!! I am also becoming fabulous on the inside.
There are lots of seeds to be watered in my sitch and life. So, I will do just that.
Two people told me that I look really different. They were puzzled because they said it is not the highlights or anything else , that I just LOOK different. So, maybe the doing Kara is showing on the outside.
