Thx Pup I wish there was a potion or a spell that makes one forget a person. I would so take it. This pain doesn't seem to go away. The last couple days I realized that I got into the habit of waking up and first thing saying I hate my life. But that is sooooo not good. I am so blessed compared to the sufferinng other people go through. I want to be a happy person of gratitude not of hate or pain.
I'm sorry too Vicky! The only way I found to get over H and stop thinking about him and my sitch and everything, was by GALing like crazy. The busier you are I think the easier it is. I'm at the point now where it's not as crucial for me to GAL, but I'm going to keep it up long-term anyway. It's not good to be so independent on one person or anybody else for your happiness, which I totally did for years and years. Just focusing on my kids and H.
I think it would be so unfair for you to get involved right now when really your heart belongs to someone else. I doubt a new R at this point would work out long-term either and be a happy, healthy R unless you work on healing more. I think of this time as a time to get healthier and happier and stronger, so when I am able to have an R, I'll be really ready for it. Karen
vicky, we all have our moments, its ok to let it out.
it sucks. its hard. but why cant we let go?
what ever happened to the separation agreement?
maybe it would make u feel like u are taking a small step to move on and maybe it will shock his system?
the way u are feeling is the same feeling i have and i wish it would go away. im tired of it too, but i guess not tired enough to give up.
wish i could offer more advice.
just letting u know im listening, i hear u, and i sympathize.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Hi, feeling better today. Last night was great. I went to a Broadway play and dinner with my sis and co-worker. It was the same play the Obama's went to two weeks ago. Had a really good time but I'm exhausted today. The GALing is really great for PMA. I think this week I will put in place a no contact plan for dealing with H. I'm much better when there is distance. You know something that I realized, partly I need to be less hard on myself. I realized that in probably every communication I have with H, I beat myself up afterwards: 1. If we are friendly and nice- afterward I feel how could I be so friendly with someone who has done this to me; 2. if we fight- afterward I feel oh no I don't want to come off as argumentative and contentious and so I then apologize to him for losing it. Then I'm mad that I'm apologizing to him after he has done me really dirty. 3. when we ML- I'm mad at myself feeling that I'm allowing him to cake eat. 4. Then we I do no contact and then miss him and reach out - I'm made at myself for being so weak. Is this normal? It seems like the best communication is distance and no contact but then I get to missing him and somehow we get sucked back in. Ahhhhhhhhh this is a nightmare in living flesh.
So yesterday H called about business, I promised myself before answering I would be cool and calm. He went into the R talk (Karen I so tried to avoid it.) He asked what I was doing and who's that in the background, I was in the nail salon. I told him that and I'm so sorry guys buy it just blurred out- oh, I have a date tonight. I know I have done this dumb "OM" thing before. But I just said a date. It really just came out. I'm tired of him questioning my whereabouts so I told him what he didn't want to hear shoots!!! Of course he didn't like that. Started to say how don't bring any man to "his house". I said you don't pay for your house. Then he started to insist and to avoid an argument I just agreed very nonchalantly. Why bother.
He went into his usual I'm coing back home but where he is is not safe for his son and he needs me to understand. I tried to just listened for the most part since I was in the nail salon. But I said what am I to understand I don't know what your plan is. Are you looking to take custody of your son? Him: no I can't take him from his mother her only son. Why not take your son with you to your mother's place until there is a safer place for him. Him: Then I would have to get up early to get him ready and that's what she does. Me: Well you have your niece there and that would be a sacrifice you make to keep your son safe and to save your marriage. Him: look it might sound stupid but she does it better. Bottom line, is he for real!!!! And get this, H said about him and OW and taking his son: why fix something that's not broken. Blew me away. I said but your marriage is broken.
He is so full of [censored]. This man truly has no sense of what marriage means. Waste of my time. I'm feeling right now that H is such a waste of my time that I don't even feel like writing about him right now. Too much energy put to waste on his bullcrap. Unbelievable.
mdoodles, I'm dropping off the retainer fee to my attorney tomorrow for her to get started on the legal separation. I'm hoping she could draft it this week, I review and tehn we would serve H sometime this week or early next. Funny thing is that I feel so comfortable about doing the legal separation that I can actually see that if or when time to do the divorce I will be alright doing it. Funny how we get to different stages and it feels right. The separation agreement feels right. It will be a beast though getting this cake eater to sign it. He's not gonna want to give up a slice of his cake.
from my understanding, its not so 1-2-3, maybe im mistaken?
u need to have grounds and serve him, its pretty much like filing for divorce, it puts everything into place for if/when u convert the separation into a divorce in 1 year.
atleast that is how i was told it works in ny.
but maybe if u both agree its different.
maybe it will be best for u, and help u to detach and move on, or maybe it will be enough for him to finally make a decision.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Hey, dunno. The separation agreement is seeming to be simpler than I thought too. I gave my attorney the lists of terms H and I had verbally discussed over time. And I think everything is done out of court and only the filing of the agreement is done with the court. I will fill you in as I go along the process. But I sure feel good about it. It will be good for me to have some legal protection. I have a really good job and there is actually a lot at stake that H and ow could destroy even more for me. So will keep you posted.
Funny thing is that I have not mentioned to H about the agreement. I want him to get a surprise. Hey why not?
i didnt feel the need in the past because all my bills were paid with no problems.
even now, im not pushing it because we currently have absolutely no income coming in because of the store, so there is nothing i need to protect at the moment.
but i am curious how quickly u get yours done.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
So, yesterday, after talking to my mother and co-worker, they advised me that I should tell H about the upcoming separation agreement. I wasn't going to tell him anything, surprise attack. But I agreed and I told him. He was pissed. Said he will come and get the rest of his stuff, he doesn't want anything from the agreement, I can have it all etc. Then hanged up the phone. I wasn't frizzled much because I'm actually really comfortable with putting something in place.
But I tell you I'm a total sucker because today I called him and said, no fighting no long discussion just calling to see how you're doing. He said fine then I said, about the agreement, I just want to get something in place. He said why would I do that if we talked and he said he's coming home by the end of the summer when he's "finished his business." WTF!!! I almost responded to that but didn't, would have caused a fight. I guess I'm just suppose to wait til H finish his "business" with ow. Whatever. Will keep you guys posted.
Or, as has been suggested on someone else's thread, "I'm afraid it's not that simple now."
Good and courageous move, Vicky. Now that you've done it, leave it be, and don't keep "temperature checking" with H. He's a big boy, and he made his own bed. Now let him lie in it.
