Confession time...when this all came down late last night, I was tired and PMSing and I didn't handle it very well. So now I've got to get back to DBing to try to rebuild my self-respect. At this point I'm not even so worried about H and what he thinks. It's more about me being able to respect myself and detach from H and this messed up sitch we're living.
He wants me to answer every call immediately. He gets furious when I don't and then if I call him back, he won't answer. Childish! He even told me to get a phone that we'll pay for, just so he can be sure that I'll answer. Yet he doesn't have to always answer his phone. Controlling, no? So, the question is...do I continue to try to answer the phone every time he calls?
Anyone have any thoughts on this and on the "I'm not leaving, you leave" stand?
IL, I track your situation as I also have a live-in spouse who has yet to work on her issues, and is probably MLC to some extent.
How are you at setting boundaries? Most LBS's it seems need to improve upon in this area (I know I do).
I'm currently going with the idea that my priority is to speak up and enforce all the boundaries that I need to first before I can relax and enjoy the R with my W. This doesn't mean that I have control over everything, just that I speak up when I need to versus avoid or tolerate some behavior.
I'm borrowing this line of thinking from Cesar Millan's dog training book, of all places. He believes that a healthy R between a dog owner and dog begins with the owner first enforcing boundaries before granting affection.
I notice if I don't speak up about something, I build resentment, and then it taints all of our time together, which is counterproductive.
I've worked hard at GAL, but in honesty have avoided boundary-setting a great deal. Since I'm not pursuing D, and my W lives at home, boundary-setting practice is essential.
As far as answering the phone every time he calls, you decide what you can live with. It's your time. Your feelings will guide you.
As far as moving out because he demands it, it's your call. What do you want? I assume you want to stay. It would be interesting to hear what a lawyer would say.
You're allowed to have emotional reactions to him. It's what you do with them that matters. As long as you don't exchange tit for tat, or be passive-aggressive, you're fine. You don't have to be graceful under pressure all the time. You're allowed to be human. If you said something you regret, you can apologize to him.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
