You know Kevin, I think it is good that you are being honest.
Your problem is not that you didn't appreciate her, it is that you don't/didn't appreciate yourself. I mean you are telling us that you were an incomplete person when you met.
I've worked on myself for a long time and have a pretty healthy outlook and STLL, I relate to your comment about your wife dying versus D. For a long time, I thought the only solution was for one of us to die. I get it. I really really do. However, that is not what is happening. Your kids need you as much or more to cope because they have to deal with the ongoing trauma. And, it is ongoing for them too. You have to step up even if you feel like you are dying over and over, eventually, you will feel better. Every time you handle it, you recognize that you CAN and you will learn to appreciate YOURSELF (clue).
This is your time to discover what you enjoy without her. Of course it is the ultimate challenge and, guess what, it is exactly the challenge you need to grown into a man. If it were any easier, you wouldn't grow. Can you get that? It is the severity and depth of this challenge that is going to grow you. Stop running away from it.
I'll tell you a LAST time, no one will be interested in you if you are not interested in yourself and your life. Kevin you have so much as told us that you have little to offer, you are not interested in anything, you don't enjoy anything on your own. I am not religious, but I pray you will comprehend this. I struggle as everyone here does. I fantasize about easy ways out and not having to GAL and focus on me, easier to focus on H and the kids etc. I hear songs and want to cry or drive by memorable places (heck I still live in our house)...everyone here knows the drill, it is just at a certain point we CHOOSE to start focusing on ourselves and other things. It just has to happen.
There are plenty of calls for 2x4s in your post but I don't think they're helping.
You are being honest and straightforward. I get where you're at.
I hope our messages penetrate.
This is not a Disney movie where you are some low-life guy who hooks up with a great gal and live happily ever after. We were all duped by that cr*p. It is not reality. You've got to be the prince to keep the princess (and something tells me W is not the princess you make her out to be either).
Do you hear me Kevin? We ALL thought this would be easier. Get it?
If my W died I'd be devastated. But I would have to move forward. I have 2 kids that would need me more than ever. I would have to rebuild. Eventually I would start dating again.
See, right there is where the major problem is as I see it. Yes, if your W died it would be awful and sad as two young girls would be losing their mom. But you are right, you would *have* to move forward and you would have to rebuild. What I find interesting is that your idea of rebuilding includes dating again. IMO rebuilding would need to solely involve the rebuilding of Kevin before you could even entertain the idea of dating. But somehow you think of rebuilding as adding somebody new to your life and as it stands now, you dont even know who you are as a man or person. Until you know who you are as a man or person you cant add anybody else in or else you will repeat the same pattern again and again and every romantic R you have will fail.
The difference between a S dying and walking away or having an A in my case and walking away is that when they die, you can at least be at peace with things. When they have an A and walk away, you are still having to live with the ultimate betrayal that never seems to go away.
A physical death doesnt always equal peace so dont fool yourself with that ideal. And yes, walking away and having an A is the ultimate betrayal. Its cruel and mean and the sign of a true coward. And it might never "go away" fully but there are ways to obtain tools to manage all the horrible feelings being left and cheated on brings to the surface. Like I said before, for some reason though you are very resistant to obtaining those tools. It seems to me you would prefer to wallow and be unhappy. And sometimes happiness has to be a choice.
To be quite honest, IMO, you seem like you have been a very unhappy person for the majority of your life. Being unhappy is what you know so you have learned now to live your life being unhappy. Its sort of like a person that cant see that well. They adapt and do things so they can see so they dont have to get glasses. They squint or hold a book very close to their face so they can see even if they cant see that well. But once they do decide to get glasses their lives sort of change because they can see it all and most of the time they wondered why they suffered so long. Why have you chosen to suffer so long? Why have you chosen to be unhappy for what seems to be the majority of your life?
And yes, the ending of a M does require mourning just as a physical death does. And we all have our own way of mourning but eventually you MUST move forward and only you can decide why you refuse to do that.
I don't feel like I can move forward. And no, I wasn't happy before I met her. I simply got by. I did things to occupy my time but I always felt like something was missing until I met her. It was like she completed me. But then I became unhappy again because I didn't appreciate what I had in her. Now I realize how much I should have appreciated her. And now I would give anything to have that opportunity back to show her and prove to her how special she is to me and how much I do truly appreciate her.
You cant move forward because quite frankly, you have filled your own head with so much garbage that its just too cluttered to do anything. You werent happy before her and you werent happy with her and now you arent happy without her. Do you see the common factor? The common factor is you. And while you may be willing to give anything for a second chance with your W at this time you will have to accept that is not an option for you and it may never be an option for you. Your marriage is over. And that is why you need C'ing. Being unhappy pre marriage, during the marriage and post marriage is all about you and you need to find out the root cause of this. But you wont empower yourself to do that. Because once you face those demons you open up a whole new place in your mind that you have ignored for most of your life. So, keep your demons or let them out and get help. That is why we keep saying this is NOT about your W - its about you and what I see as a very serious case of clinical depression and possibly some sort of attachement disorder. Pills cant help that, books cant help that, message boards cant help that but a trained C can. And it will be work and it will be exhausting but it will also be beautiful because all those demons will be gone and the real Kevin can finally be "out there" for the world to see. Because I dont think you like the kind of man you are now and I happen to think there is a much better man deeply hidden inside of you. Dont you want to meet that man? Dont you want to let him out and nurtrue him and watch him grow and find happiness?
I wanted a W so bad and I screwed it up when I got one. Now she is gone and shopping for someone else while getting a life. I'm still committed to her. But I just haven't figured out how to get a life without her that I can enjoy. I'm not sure what I enjoy. I have never really enjoyed anything without her. Now I don't want to do the stuff that we used to do together because it reminds me of her. So I am trying to figure out what do I enjoy. And I don't know. I enjoyed her and I didn't treat her like I should have.
Well, unless you have some sort of time machine there is nothing you can do about the past other than learn and grow from it. Again, having no joy in your life that is not somehow linked to your W or kids is a very serious problem and only one a C can help you rectify.
There has to be some way to act fast and get her interested in me again. But it has to be about making me happy without her to have any chance of her coming back. And I do wonder why she didn't finish the D. But you are probably right in that there probably is no reason. Thats hard to imagine. But it is probably the truth.
And that is the other issue I see as a HUGE problem - you are always looking for the quick fix and in this case there will NEVER be a quick fix. Why would your W be interested in an unhappy person? Since you cant seem to get happy on your own then you need help understanding why and only a C can unlock that.
There really is nothing more to say. You can suffer and wallow and look for quick fixes that will never work or you can find out the real reasons you are so unhappy and have been since long before you met your W. Its up to you.
You know - we all have a story of horrible things our WAS did to us. My H left me while having an affair and took our only vehicle with no legal agreement in place. That left me taking a 3 hour bus ride to and from my dr's office to get treatment for my lupus that flared because of the stress he caused me. So, while my H and his GF were riding around in OUR car I was on a bus 6 hours a day getting treatment while very ill. Do you think that made me happy? It didnt. The rage I felt was like nothing I could describe. Over the course of last summer he spent close to 20K on partying, trips, gambling, golf and his GF while I struggled to pay for my medicine, food and medical treatments. Do you think that made me happy? Again - rage is not even a strong enough word. But you know what did make me happy? Was the notion that even though I was sick as a dog, struggling to make ends meet and in an utter state of emotional devestation I took control of me and did what I had to do to make my life better. Does it still hurt? HELL YES! But nobody is going to dictate my happiness or well being. So, I got myself some C'ing that I am still very dedicated to. I joined a divorce support group. When I was too sick to leave my house I taught myself French and some new software I wanetd to learn. When my health improved I went out there and found cool stuff to do. I volunteered and kept my business going. I could go on and on about all the stuff my H did but why? This is MY time and I am going to make the best life for me I can. Its hard sometimes but *I* am worth it. I know that now.
CityGirl- I agree with everything you've said. The kids do however add an enormous challenge into the mix. For a person who would clearly benefit from NC, it is monumental. That is where the death scenario feels more manageable. The prospect of a future that absolutely must involve the ex, is just so hard to stomach. But, you take it one day at a time and you look at every interaction as a growing experience. There is no way but through. I know plenty of people who have detached and moved on emotionally and they still have to manage their relationships with exes. It is like any other challenge, one you have to face and process and live with. This has been the HARDEST part for me. If H never contacted me again, I could mourn and move on. In these sitches with kids, you have to heal AND manage contact at the same time. It MUST be done.
I dont disagree that children add a new element to the mix and one I cant say I have any experience with. But, IMO of course, Kevin is unable to manage that and heal so he needs to obtain the tools on how to do that. You are right, it must be done but thus far what he has done has not worked and nothing has changed for him therefore he is stuck. Kevin and his W are not the only couple in the world going through a D with kids and certainly in the entire Dallas metro area there must be SOME resource for Kevin to use.
I cant relate to the children thing but I can relate to being very ill and having to deal with that on your own while having to mourn, move on and fight an illness. So, we all have our crosses to carry but the good thing is we dont have to carry them alone and there is help out there if we want it.
All I am saying is at this point, based on what Kevin has shared about his chronic unhappiness it seems he needs a trained pro to help him unlock some of this. By unlocking some of those demons he might just find co parenting becomes much easier as right now he seems to be his own worst enemy.
JMO of course. As I said, I cant pretend to understand the child issue because I dont have any. But at the end of the day Kevin needs to deal with his own issues before any other area of his life will flourish.
I dont disagree that children add a new element to the mix and one I cant say I have any experience with. But, IMO of course, Kevin is unable to manage that and heal so he needs to obtain the tools on how to do that. You are right, it must be done but thus far what he has done has not worked and nothing has changed for him therefore he is stuck. Kevin and his W are not the only couple in the world going through a D with kids and certainly in the entire Dallas metro area there must be SOME resource for Kevin to use.
I cant relate to the children thing but I can relate to being very ill and having to deal with that on your own while having to mourn, move on and fight an illness. So, we all have our crosses to carry but the good thing is we dont have to carry them alone and there is help out there if we want it.
All I am saying is at this point, based on what Kevin has shared about his chronic unhappiness it seems he needs a trained pro to help him unlock some of this. By unlocking some of those demons he might just find co parenting becomes much easier as right now he seems to be his own worst enemy.
JMO of course. As I said, I cant pretend to understand the child issue because I dont have any. But at the end of the day Kevin needs to deal with his own issues before any other area of his life will flourish.
Well, I may have my kids over night again tonite. W is really sick from something. I do love having my kids so that is cool. We all slept out in the living room last night. They slept on the couches and I slept on the floor. They enjoyed that.
I think I will spend a little bit of time looking online for hobbies that may be interesting to me.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Take the "w" key off of your computer keypad for starters. And I'm NOT kidding
I think hobbies are great. And you should be writing a lot. In your own journal. About you and what you are interested in and read things in that vein too.
You do really need counseling. In the mean time, you can start writing and exploring who you are and what makes you tick. Part of this is new, growing, building...like a discovery, an adventure.
IF, and I repeat, IF, (b/c I think you revise history a lot) if you were truly unhappy before you met your w, during the M and are again now unhappy, you are a chronically depressed person.
Period. By definition. Nothing we post here will change that. You make the same mistakes over and over so it's clear that MY advice does not help b/c you ignore it. You "wondered" about inviting your wife last week to dinner/dominoes (Super fun for a woman who is taking shooting lessons, I'm sure). We hammered the point that you cannot invite/pursue/pressure her and you backed off...for a DAY! Then she told you that she does not like you now, thinks you won't give people space AND that you need to work on that. So...you invited her to dinner! Amazing.
It's a waste of my time to post to you while you are not fixing the underlying problem which is your inability to be happy as a person. Period. That's a depressive person who needs to think differently (called "cognitive therapy" and you need behavioral help too but I'm not qualified to assess all of this) and probably needs the meds if they are the right ones, will help too. That will be trial and error and you'll have to trust that you can figure it out and help your doctor and therapist with it. IN other words, just b/c your w does not return to you, does not mean the meds are not working.
You only grasp the superficial. You think if you work on you, that means "until w comes back" & you'll lose weight and do "filler activities" until her return. That's not GAL. Kev, you need more help than we can provide. If we could do it, by NOW with ALL this advice and time spent on you, you would not ask us "how to get my w back quickly". It's almost a slap in the face. You cannot do 24 hours without talking about her (did you do it one time?) and you won't do the 100 days without telling her AGAIN that you need/miss/want her....and by the way, no, I don't sense a mature type of love from you for her. I really don't. I sense desparate need. That's why I say you don't bring much to the table other than your needs.
I have loved my h since I was 19 y/o and we'll have our 28th anniversary next month. If he were to die, OR LEAVE ME, and we were to have another "episode", I would mourn his death or his choice, but I would eventually recover and be happy.
How can I say that?B/C I am a smart, fun, attractive and happy woman with a lot to give to this world and MAYBE to another man down the road. I have interests that have nothing to do with my h. A lot of them. ALL of those interests will exist with or without my h. I have friends and hobbies and causes I care a great deal about so I'm making a contribution to the world completely apart from my h.I believe that if God does not see my M as continuing for 4+ more decades, then he must have something else cool for me to find around the corner. I have my faith. I have 3 healthy children whom I love dearly AND siblings who make me laugh and I am lucky enough to have only lost one parent. I have lost 3 family members in the past 15 months and my mil is dying of cancer that has spread to her brain. But I'm inwardly content. So yes, I'd be happy again. My pain would not be eternal and it would not be fatal. For some reason, you have chosen to stay miserable or as CG so wisely implied, "you wish to remain blind" and won't get the glasses to see.
The woman I know who is most the inwardly content woman I have ever known, lost her older brother when he drove all night to make it to her 16th b-day party. Her beautiful 5 y/o has juvenile diabetes and her baby daughter died at 4 months of age of a respiratory infection. I told her, "OMG, if I lost a child, (let alone the other stuff) I'd see life as a painting with a big stain on it and it'd never look beautiful again". (we were at a workshop that changed my life, for the record.) She said she sees life as a tapestry so that when you step back you can see it's beauty and texture, and only when you stand too close staring at the one bad part, do you focus only on the negative. Step way back. Get a grip.
Get help Kevin. No more excuses. If you won't get help than even if your w did come back to you, she'd only leave you again b/c the fundamental problem and common theme here is that you are too needy b/c you don't know how to be happy. That is life's most basic skill. Get it now.
Good luck, J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Let me ask this then. Should I ask her why she didn't go through with it and what her plan is or should I just remain silent and give her the space she wants while I try and form my own life?
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Let me ask this then. Should I ask her why she didn't go through with it and what her plan is or should I just remain silent and give her the space she wants while I try and form my own life?
