If my W died I'd be devastated. But I would have to move forward. I have 2 kids that would need me more than ever. I would have to rebuild. Eventually I would start dating again.

See, right there is where the major problem is as I see it. Yes, if your W died it would be awful and sad as two young girls would be losing their mom. But you are right, you would *have* to move forward and you would have to rebuild. What I find interesting is that your idea of rebuilding includes dating again. IMO rebuilding would need to solely involve the rebuilding of Kevin before you could even entertain the idea of dating. But somehow you think of rebuilding as adding somebody new to your life and as it stands now, you dont even know who you are as a man or person. Until you know who you are as a man or person you cant add anybody else in or else you will repeat the same pattern again and again and every romantic R you have will fail.

The difference between a S dying and walking away or having an A in my case and walking away is that when they die, you can at least be at peace with things. When they have an A and walk away, you are still having to live with the ultimate betrayal that never seems to go away.

A physical death doesnt always equal peace so dont fool yourself with that ideal. And yes, walking away and having an A is the ultimate betrayal. Its cruel and mean and the sign of a true coward. And it might never "go away" fully but there are ways to obtain tools to manage all the horrible feelings being left and cheated on brings to the surface. Like I said before, for some reason though you are very resistant to obtaining those tools. It seems to me you would prefer to wallow and be unhappy. And sometimes happiness has to be a choice.

To be quite honest, IMO, you seem like you have been a very unhappy person for the majority of your life. Being unhappy is what you know so you have learned now to live your life being unhappy. Its sort of like a person that cant see that well. They adapt and do things so they can see so they dont have to get glasses. They squint or hold a book very close to their face so they can see even if they cant see that well. But once they do decide to get glasses their lives sort of change because they can see it all and most of the time they wondered why they suffered so long. Why have you chosen to suffer so long? Why have you chosen to be unhappy for what seems to be the majority of your life?

And yes, the ending of a M does require mourning just as a physical death does. And we all have our own way of mourning but eventually you MUST move forward and only you can decide why you refuse to do that.

I don't feel like I can move forward. And no, I wasn't happy before I met her. I simply got by. I did things to occupy my time but I always felt like something was missing until I met her. It was like she completed me. But then I became unhappy again because I didn't appreciate what I had in her. Now I realize how much I should have appreciated her. And now I would give anything to have that opportunity back to show her and prove to her how special she is to me and how much I do truly appreciate her.

You cant move forward because quite frankly, you have filled your own head with so much garbage that its just too cluttered to do anything. You werent happy before her and you werent happy with her and now you arent happy without her. Do you see the common factor? The common factor is you. And while you may be willing to give anything for a second chance with your W at this time you will have to accept that is not an option for you and it may never be an option for you. Your marriage is over. And that is why you need C'ing. Being unhappy pre marriage, during the marriage and post marriage is all about you and you need to find out the root cause of this. But you wont empower yourself to do that. Because once you face those demons you open up a whole new place in your mind that you have ignored for most of your life. So, keep your demons or let them out and get help. That is why we keep saying this is NOT about your W - its about you and what I see as a very serious case of clinical depression and possibly some sort of attachement disorder. Pills cant help that, books cant help that, message boards cant help that but a trained C can. And it will be work and it will be exhausting but it will also be beautiful because all those demons will be gone and the real Kevin can finally be "out there" for the world to see. Because I dont think you like the kind of man you are now and I happen to think there is a much better man deeply hidden inside of you. Dont you want to meet that man? Dont you want to let him out and nurtrue him and watch him grow and find happiness?

I wanted a W so bad and I screwed it up when I got one. Now she is gone and shopping for someone else while getting a life. I'm still committed to her. But I just haven't figured out how to get a life without her that I can enjoy. I'm not sure what I enjoy. I have never really enjoyed anything without her. Now I don't want to do the stuff that we used to do together because it reminds me of her. So I am trying to figure out what do I enjoy. And I don't know. I enjoyed her and I didn't treat her like I should have.

Well, unless you have some sort of time machine there is nothing you can do about the past other than learn and grow from it. Again, having no joy in your life that is not somehow linked to your W or kids is a very serious problem and only one a C can help you rectify.

There has to be some way to act fast and get her interested in me again. But it has to be about making me happy without her to have any chance of her coming back. And I do wonder why she didn't finish the D. But you are probably right in that there probably is no reason. Thats hard to imagine. But it is probably the truth.

And that is the other issue I see as a HUGE problem - you are always looking for the quick fix and in this case there will NEVER be a quick fix. Why would your W be interested in an unhappy person? Since you cant seem to get happy on your own then you need help understanding why and only a C can unlock that.

There really is nothing more to say. You can suffer and wallow and look for quick fixes that will never work or you can find out the real reasons you are so unhappy and have been since long before you met your W. Its up to you.

You know - we all have a story of horrible things our WAS did to us. My H left me while having an affair and took our only vehicle with no legal agreement in place. That left me taking a 3 hour bus ride to and from my dr's office to get treatment for my lupus that flared because of the stress he caused me. So, while my H and his GF were riding around in OUR car I was on a bus 6 hours a day getting treatment while very ill. Do you think that made me happy? It didnt. The rage I felt was like nothing I could describe. Over the course of last summer he spent close to 20K on partying, trips, gambling, golf and his GF while I struggled to pay for my medicine, food and medical treatments. Do you think that made me happy? Again - rage is not even a strong enough word. But you know what did make me happy? Was the notion that even though I was sick as a dog, struggling to make ends meet and in an utter state of emotional devestation I took control of me and did what I had to do to make my life better. Does it still hurt? HELL YES! But nobody is going to dictate my happiness or well being. So, I got myself some C'ing that I am still very dedicated to. I joined a divorce support group. When I was too sick to leave my house I taught myself French and some new software I wanetd to learn. When my health improved I went out there and found cool stuff to do. I volunteered and kept my business going. I could go on and on about all the stuff my H did but why? This is MY time and I am going to make the best life for me I can. Its hard sometimes but *I* am worth it. I know that now.