Ok peeps. I've been really sort of taking stock of my sitch. Trying to get honest about where I'm at. H is coming back tomorrow and aside from my GAL and PMA and lack of PMS (haha), I want to really feel integrated, authentic and fearless. I am tired of feeling like I'm on eggshells. Nothing about human psychology or biology indicates to me that it is a healthy state to be in, that ultra-conscious fear mode. Na, I was feeling physically ill trying to pull that off.
I am a decent, honest, loving woman. I don't need to rake myself over the coals anymore. I have my "things" I'm working on.
I did a lot of organizing this weekend and will continue today...bills, bills, bills, for which I have no money to pay. But, I am "priming the well"...I am taking baby steps toward really looking at this sitch with H and making some decisions together. This may not be the prescribed way, but this is what I want right now because I believe I can handle it.
I think I'm done with the coquettish, girly, flirty persona, trying to lure back H. I was a girl when we met almost 14 years ago, I'm a woman now. Not sure how this will come off but guess what? I don't care half as much as I did a month ago. I just can't be the groupie he may need to feel like "somebody." Of course, I DO care, just not as much as I did before.
I just got a very sweet email about what a terrific mother I am. Yep. Every time I get a message like that, I interpret or experience it with a tinge of "...but a sh*tty wife." I will take the compliment and keep the other out of it. Just said thanks. I would love to try to interpret it but per AJ, no mind-reading!!! Hey, wasn't it me a few posts ago whining about how I wanted H to appreciate what a great mother I am??? Riiiiighhht...so, I want to be appreciated for being more than a mother, a friend, lover, wife, woman...note to self, if I want to be appreciated for being more than a mother, I've got to BE more than a mother. He may not appreciate it but I will, someone will. And in my heart, I believe he wanted that/wants that...Alas, I don't know that I can fully appreciate who he is. Lest he walk off the plane, and with humility and machismo proclaim "what a fool I've been," and profess his unwavering desire to be a hero to his family and step up. Think that'll happen?
I went back last night and read some of my posts from a month ago. Some of the insights, I just wasn't ready to digest. They made sense but I just wasn't there.
